AdScam/The Horror!

Mike needs your moolah.

The MyPillow fucktard, Mike Lindell, is planning on holding a telethon to raise millions to pay off his humungous debts and legal bills. He fully expects that the MAGA “Morans” will gladly send him their welfare checks and cut down on their amphetamine spending in order to keep him out of the poor house. Here’s an idea... Perhaps he can get fellow douchenozzle, Gym “MyShirt” Jordan to take part. After all he’s got plenty of time on his hands since dropping out of the speakership race after another dismal showing. He also doesn’t spend much time doing what he was elected for. In nineteen years, he hasn’t had a single bill passed. In fact, “The Center for Effective Lawmaking,” has ranked him in the bottom five among House Republicans in each of the past four Congresses. Better start concentrating on his shirt business.  

It couldn't happen to a more fucked up fucktard!!!

Kate Kalms Down!!!

As a special T.G.I.K.M.F. treat, my good friend and ex-Ogilvy workmate, Edward O'Meara, points us in the direction of a Vanity Fair piece... “Kate Moss at almost 50: In denial about aging, all in on crystals.” We are informed that she is trying to lead a somewhat “healthier” lifestyle, which includes daily transcendental meditation and cutting down on fags. No mention of a booze regime, though. She has just launched her wellness brand, “Cosmoss” which includes crystals for sticking where the sun don’t shine. Shades of Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Goop” bullshit. No mention of Vagina flavored candles though.  

And no mention of you know what! 

“My Shirt” is coming!!!

This just in... Jim Jordan has backed out of trying for a third vote for the speakership today. Even though he wore a suit jacket yesterday, his second attempt was another dismal failure. My very confidential sources tell me that he has now decided to give more time to his upcoming joint venture with “My Pillow” fucktard Mike Lindell to launch a range of “My Shirt” shitty products made by slave labor in Bangladesh. (Why not Benghazi?) The MAGA “Morans” will blow their welfare checks on this crap. And Jordan will donate all his profits to Der Trumpf’s latest grift. Isn’t America great?  

"My Douchnozzle!"

 

 

More Tesla Titillation...

King “X” Twat Musk had a bad day yesterday. After the close of the stock market Tesla earnings tumbled even more than expected. The EV giant said Cybertruck deliveries will start in November, but CEO Elon “I am a fucking genius” Musk tempered expectations, modestly suggesting... "We dug our grave" with the complex vehicle. Yeah, fucking right rou rich douchnozzle. Unsurprisingly, TSLA stock turned lower after he began speaking. Meaning he lost a few measly billion. Still the richest fucktard in the universe though. 

The Tesla Cybertruck hits a snag!!!

 

More “X” Excrement.

Despite proclamations from X CEO Linda Yaccarino (who is trousering $20 million a year to tell incredible lies) a new report is saying that X usage has actually declined on all fronts, across both web and mobile. In fact, X’s global website traffic was down 14% year-over-year in September, and U.S. traffic was down by 19%. On mobile devices in the U.S, performance had also declined 17.8% year-over-year, based on monthly active users. Rubbing salt in the wound, if you live in New Zealand and the Philippines, and want to join X, you now have to fork over $1 a year for the privilege. Yeah, one single dollar a year. that’ll fix this increasingly fucked up site's financials. 

Linda says, “I'm polishing like crazy!” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Big Dumb Bollocks!!! ...

As a follow up to my post yesterday about BDHC (Big Dumb Holding Company) WPP merging Wunderman Thompson and VMLY&R to create VML, a new BDA (Big Dumb Agency} that is even bigger and dumber than ever. I warned that the thirty thousand employees scattered around the globe should be looking over their shoulders for their inevitable future replacement by AI... Well guess what? Fuck the future, AdAge tells us that layoffs are about to start happening now... And they could be significant. Hey, gotta keep those BDHC profits up. And the fucktard douchnozzles running them need those significant gold plated “Performance” bonuses. 

They follow the "Neutron Jack"rules. 

Growth equals Groan...

With the news today that BDHC (Big Dumb Holding Company) WPP has merged Wunderman Thompson and VMLY&R to create VML, a new BDA (Big Dumb Agency} that is even bigger and dumber than ever. We are assured that the new behemoth combines brand experience, customer experience and commerce (no mention of “creativity” obviously) and will have more than 30,000 serfs slaving away in more than sixty odd markets scattered around the globe. Well, that is until AI finally takes over and most of the serfs hit the street.  

Can I still do Friday casual? 

 

 

Tractor Tautology...

Over at MarketingDaily the big news of the day is that...”Here comes the lull: A different kind of retail slowdown.” Apparently, this is dramatically affecting Tractor Supply Company, a retailer that has enjoyed a long and rosy pandemic orbit but is now drifting back to earth with analysts lowering their forecasts for the retailer which they had previously expected to outperform the market. Sorry guys... Aint happening. So, being the fucking prince that I am, I thought I’d get my arse over there and help out by buying a nice big hairy tractor. But guess what? They don’t sell tractors... Just wimpy ride on mowers.  

Fuck mowers!!! 

 

In all the news that’s fit to gag over...

This just in... Jeff Bezos has bought the $79 million mansion next door to his $68 million “Billionaire Bunker” abode. In total, Bezos is now the owner of $147 million of property across roughly five acres on the secluded enclave, Indian Creek Island. Neighbors include Ivanka Trump and Tom Brady. There are just 40 plots, all waterfront, with Brazilian teak docks, where Bezos may decide to anchor his $500 million superyacht, Koru. Actually with his support yachts, won't he need three docks?

Wanna be the figurehead on my next yacht?