AdScam/The Horror!

Star Stuffed Shit...

It would seem that today’s ad agencies cannot come up with a campaign unless it is crammed full of “Stars” and “Celebrities.” But short on creativity. Today’s example from Publicis for Planet Fitness is headed by fresh from space, William Shatner, and includes several million dollars-worth of  celebrities—actress Jane Krakowski is extremely excited to be running on a treadmill, former basketballer Dennis Rodman rides an endorphin high and TikTok star @AngryReactionsGuy shouts his head off to tell us that a Planet Fitness membership “lets you work out all your stress for $0 enrollment and $10 a month? That makes me so happy.” A planet Fitness spokes-hack tells us... “The commercial, spotlights Planet Fitness’ affordable, judgement-free environment and focuses on the lighter, brighter, feel-good feeling you get after a great workout, and that post-workout high, in a fun, memorable and light-hearted way.” No, it doesn’t. It’s a load of old Bollocks.

There’s only one “Star” I’m interested in on Friday's.

A Chortage of Champers!!!

Shock... Horror... Catastrophe. As if we aren’t buried under enough bad news, this just in... New Year’s Eve celebrations are apparently under major threat—and not just from COVID or canceled plans. The Editor at Wine Spectator told Fox Business’ Maria Bartiromo. She of the zaftig lips, hips & tits. That champagne may be the latest casualty of the global supply chain problems. “It’s not even just that basic transportation issue. We’re also looking at things like shortages of the cage that goes on top of your bottle, labels, boxes to put wine in,” she said on Mornings with Maria. “It could be tough to find some of your favorite labels this year.” And what about the caviar? 

I’ve got plenty!!!

Goodonya mate!!!

It’s a given that Ted Cruz is a total wanker and that everything he touches turns to shit. He demonstrated it again when he went off his tiny fucking head calling out “power-drunk” Democrats in Washington State for COVID-19 restrictions he labeled “authoritarian”—but he quickly deleted his tweet when it was pointed out the “WA Government” he was picking a fight with was actually Western Australia. The Texas Republican apparently overlooked the kangaroos in the Facebook avatar when he pounced on the announcement. Why doesn’t he just fuck off to Cancun permanently?

Good idea!!!

Bat Shit Crazy...

In the “You can’t make this shit up” category, we are informed that Ozzy Osborne is about to launch an NFT collection... “CryptoBatz,” which will celebrate the time, forty years ago,  when the former lead singer of the heavy metal band Black Sabbath bit the head off a bat during a concert. I have no fucking idea what an NFT is, but we are informed by Rolling Stone... Each Cryptobat will give collectors an opportunity to birth an additional NFT. It activates a feature that allows their purchase to "bite and mutate with another NFT from, their digital wallet." I still have no fucking what they are talking about.

Do you think Ozzy does?

Seltzer Sucks...

Continuing my never-ending rant about bad booze, news today that “Hard seltzer ad buys are up 39% in 2021.” At the same time, we are told that hard seltzer sales are declining. No surprise there. This low alcohol, fruit flavored shit has even less alcohol in it than Nuns’ Piss brew Bud Light. Probably drunk by the same brain dead douchenozzles.

We do piss, not seltzer.

CES in free-fall...

Joining the big brands that have announced they won’t be showing up in Vegas for CES (the Consumer Electronics Show) early next year, Proctor & Gamble has given it a pass. Maybe they can do a virtual Mr. Whipple to promote what is still their biggest selling brand. Talking about biggest... The biggest losers in Vegas will be the hookers. You can’t do sex virtually. Well you can... But it’s not the same. Even though it’s cheaper.

Virtual bathroom tissues (Bog Rolls.)

More bullshit on booze...

Following on from my last post, I forgot to include Tequila in my list of foul-tasting booze. I was therefore somewhat surprised to read in MediaPost that the top-trending on-premise spirit, according to 76% of U.S. bartenders, is tequila, up from just 16% a year ago. Demand is being driven by a shift in how the spirit is perceived -- “from a party spirit to a sophisticated sipping serve.” Sorry guys, in my estimation it’s still a shitty drink. But then again... What the fuck do I know? Actually, when it comes to booze, quite a lot.

Years of research on the subject...

Bailey’s Bollocks.

I’ve drunk lots of foul-tasting booze over the course of my long and somewhat checkered lifetime, including various kinds of Grappa, Pisco and Jägermeister. But the one that takes the prize has to be Bailey’s Irish Cream. A sweet concoction you will find very few Irish drinking, but which many Americans lap up. So, if you are a glutton for shit that makes your teeth rot, check out this spot for Dominique Ansel Bakery offering his recipe for a hot chocolate ganache made with Bailey’s. It looks positively sickening. So, I’m sure it will be a huge success.

At least use a straw...

Medieval MAGA Hatters.

Proving that there’s nothing new and we have always had a large proportion of humankind ready to believe all kinds of shit rather than the truth, Salon points out that you should look no further than the long history of conspiracy theorists stretching back to what is often considered humanity's worst pandemic: the bubonic plague. Just as today’s MAGA “Morans” think the country is being run by pedophiles and Bill Gates has put a chip in everyone’s brains, the Medieval "truthers" scapegoated European Jews, and turned to astrology rather than medicine, flagellating themselves with the belief that the entire phenomenon was a punishment from God, rather than an illness that could be contracted and spread through human contact. See... There’s always been a substantial number of idiots... There always will be.

Thank God for the medical profession...

Awesome is as awesome does...

Over at cnbc.com there’s a piece titled... “Want to sound more intelligent? Avoid these words and phrases that are embarrassingly outdated, say grammar experts.” Included in the list are “Granular – Pivot – Thought leader.” Missing, however, is the beauty of them all. “AWESOME.” Definitely the most abused word in the English language. Its dictionary definition is... “Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.” Like watching the top blow off Krakatoa or seeing Kate Moss naked. I was once standing in line in a Starbucks when the lady in front of me asked the barista if she could just have a glass of water. The server gave it to her, and the lady thanked her, saying... “That’s totally awesome.” I tapped the lady on the shoulder and said... No, it’s not. It’s just a glass of water.” She gave me a look of abject terror and ran out of the store. It was totally awesome!!!

That’s awesome.

That’s totally awesome.