AdScam/The Horror!

Final, final, final Cannes pisser...

Over at MediaPost there’s an article titled “Blurring the lines between brands and their agencies at this year’s Cannes Lions.” by Jason Xenopoulos, NY CEO/NA Chief Creative Officer at BDA, VMLY&R. The sorry, pale reflection of what used to be a great agency. (I worked there during those great years.) Anyway Jason goes on and on about blurring, including the fact that he has been attending Cannes for the last twenty years, and co-incidentally, VMLY&R won a Grand Prix under his direction... As I commented on the article... Nothing like tooting your own horn. I wonder how much 20 years of Cannes conniptions and Mimosas on the Croisette have cost VMLY&R. Cos, as you know, I am an evil fucker.

These Mimosas are getting bigger... Thank God!!!

The ultimate arse kisser...

Over at the New York Times there is a wonderful column by Michelle Cottle... “Dear leader: A near perfect letter from a Trump sycophant, annotated.” It uses an actual letter written by State Senate President, Chris Kapenga, of Wisconsin. The whole thing oozes with olefinic unctuousness. Here’s a prime example of his terpsichorean word smithery...  "The power of your pen to mine is like Thor's hammer to a Bobby pin.” The douchenozzle actually wrote that! Read the rest for a laugh.

Now... Kiss it you fucktard... 

Ethical Gobbledygook Reigns...

Regular AdScamer’s will know my penchant for calling out the fucked-up language currently swirling around the BDA toilet bowl. Here’s a prime example from today’s MediaPost... Havas Media Group today announced a new role overseeing "ethical media" partnerships and has tapped agency programmatic media veteran Ben Downing to run it. Downing, who been with the group for nearly eight years, most recently led the rollout of its "Social Equity Marketplace" and previously was its head of biddable media. Havas said his background in product management and technology make him well suited for his new role as global managing director-ethical media and strategic partnerships. I have no idea what all that shit is about...

And, I don’t care.

 

My, how things can change...

OK... The final, final Cannes rant... Hats off to my good friend Carter Murray, FCB Worldwide Chief Executive Officer, as they win the Agency Network of the Year title, which is a first for the network. FCB accumulated 80 Lions, including two Titanium, five Grand Prix, 15 Gold, 26 Silver and 32 Bronze. This topped a big week for FCB which included being named Healthcare Network of the Year for FCB Health Network and Healthcare Agency of the Year for AREA 23. See, with the right person in charge you can move on from the disaster that was the total fuck up... FCB-Draft. Remember them, the agency that won Walmart for ten minutes?

I’m still winning at Walmart!!!

Cannes Final Call...

For my final Cannes rant... I had to laugh when I read that WPP was named Holding Company of the Year at the Cannes Lions Festival of Fuckability, which is the first time since 2017 that the BDHC has won the award. Believe it or not, the Poisoned Dwarf created evil empire, collected a grand total of 190 Lions including a Titanium Lion, 12 Grand Prix, 28 Gold, 57 Silver and 92 Bronze, with winners representing 38 different countries. When I won my first Lion, back in the middle ages, there were about twenty Lions in total, and the entry fees were about a quid. Even the Mimosas on the Croisette were cheap. The hookers weren’t.

And the Red Titanium Lion Sign goes to...

Sub-O-Rama...

In case you were wondering why there’s all the fuss about where the money to pay for the proposed Infrastructure bill is going to come from, forget about Jeff Bezos coughing up some tax dollars... Why don’t we just cancel the $109.8 BILLION that the Biden administration has just allocated to build a new fleet of nuclear submarines. After all do we need even more submarines to fight terrorists in the desert?

These things don’t come cheap!!!

More Cannes Crapola...

Yes, it’s that time of year again when the ad trades are full of news from the Annual Fuck Fest of Advertising. Thousands of insane categories are liposuctioning massive entry fees from BDA’s and BDHC’s with more money than brains. My favorite is the Dylithium Lion for Inter-cultural, gender agnostic, age neutral nose picking. This was won by the “We create miracles” agency of Tashkent, Nebraska. Agency CEO, Bart Fart, explained that the honor was made possible by the mega-data harvesting of granular insights via AI delivered by the agencies staff of robots. Fuck that... It’s time for a three-martini lunch.

I tried for four but passed out. Time for a fag.

Highbrow Raising Headlines...

I must say the New York Times is getting very creative with its recent headlines, well, at least in the science section...  Here are some recent samples...

When an eel climbs a ramp to eat squid from a clamp, that's a moray.

The hills are alive with the flows of physics.

On the pointlessness of pointy shoes.

Well done Sirs...

Samuel is not impressed...

Show me da money...

If you ever needed further proof that today’s ad biz has virtually fuck all to do with what the ad biz was originally created for... Namely, to produce advertising that persuaded the unwashed masses to buy stuff... As David Ogilvy once said to me, long before most of you were born. “The business of advertising is selling.” Right now, the old bugger must be spinning under the Toufou turf. But, back to my rant... Look at the current cluster fuck taking place during the proposed merger of Stagwell and MDC, the wannabe BDHC. It’s all about money, nothing else. Here’s a taste... The company laid out a plan to reach $3 billion in annual revenue (up from $1.2 billion last year) by 2025. That plan includes achieving organic growth of $2.6 billion, new digital revenue streams totaling $75 million and M&A growth over the next five years of $325 million. Fuck all about the product, I doubt if the fucktards even know what the product is.

Howard got it right...

God bless pigs...

Along with my orgy of pill taking during my current condition, I also have to inject myself with something called Enoxaparin, which is an anticoagulant, or blood thinner that’s made from pig bits. (I also take Warfarin, which is made from rat poison!) Reminds me of a news story a couple of years ago. Some bloke had five heart attacks in less than a year, so they did experimental surgery on him using pig bits. Later it was reported that he was doing remarkably well for a man of 96! Fuck me, I wouldn’t want to see the portrait in his bloody attic.

Don’t be an arsehole... Thank Porkie...