AdScam/The Horror!

Feeling Hungry?

Did you see that Whole Foods (Whole Pay Packet) is looking for a new creative agency... Mmmm, smells a bit as Amazon is about to buy them, so why not wait until you have trousered the billions Bezos is about to dump in your lap. Mind you, as is common these days, the incumbent has only had the account for a couple of years. If I was an agency I would only pitch an account that swore on their children's heads that they would stick around for at least five years. Yeah, I know... Fat chance. Wait for the Poisoned Dwarf to punt "Team Whole Fuck." Will work for past sell by date shit.

What about "Team Whole Fag?"

Cannes Cobblers!

Over at AdWeek, PRNozzle, Tracy Brady, delivers a soporific defense of the Cannes Fuck Fest. Among a list of reasons why you should blow chunks of money to attend is this wanky one... Where else can you have a meal with a German planner, a Korean designer, a Somali-British newscaster, an African director, an American rap star and an Argentinean strategist? This is perspective you don’t get commuting on the F train. Yes, you only get this kind shit whilst drinking $25 mimosas on the Croisette. Her final suggestion... Take a year off, if only to remember how lucky you are and to make sure you are looking for the right things when you go back. Inspiration can come from anywhere, but most of the time, it strikes not when you’re winning, but when you’re listening. Oh yes, and what do you pay the fucking mortgage with during that year off? Pathetic.

I'd rather stay in London and party!

Fourth of July recommended watching!

Once again Droga5 has hit it out of the park with their first campaign for "Ancestry." Reproducing John Trumbull's "Declaration of Independence" painting using actual descendants of the original signers, Dave and Ted, and all the other troops have demonstrated why they are one of the best ad agencies in the fucking universe. They should also be pleased that they have demonstrated to Der Trumpf, you don't have to be an orange haired, fat ex-German ancestral wanker, to make a difference.

Before...

After...

Do no evil!

It would appear the "Wizened of Oz's" attempt to take over the entire news and broadcast channels in the UK, has hit another stumbling block. Britain’s government stalled his takeover bid of the Sky pay television and broadband network after media regulators expressed concern about the influence of "Rupe" and his evil family. “The transaction may increase members of the Murdoch Family Trust’s ability to influence the overall news agenda and their ability to influence the political process and it may also result in the perception of increased influence,” said a government spokesnozzle. It may also allow them to hide sexual transgression and the hacking of murder victim's phones. Horrible fuckers!

Can you imagine what his "John Henry" looks like?

Faker fakes faker!

Did you see the news that Der Trumpf has a Time magazine cover photo featuring his orange self hanging in at least five of his uber expensive golf clubs. The only problem, according to the Washington Post's David Fahrenthold, is that no such cover exists. As in, Trump (or someone close to him) created the cover out of whole cloth. Unless you have been on another planet for the last 18 months, you know that one of Trump's favorite attacks is on the mainstream media as "fake." And yet, as the fake Time cover shows, Trump is a lying sack of shit!

CK Nails it!

The end of the end!!!

At the time I started to write this review, the world's third largest holding company, Publicis, announced that they would not be entering anything in next year's Cannes "Festival of Creativity," nor indeed in any other awards show. The world's biggest holding company, WPP, quickly came on board as Sir Martin Sorrell said at a Financial Times event in Cannes that the festival had became a money-making exercise and “has got to be rethought big time.” According to Andrew Essex, (founding partner of Droga5,")  it would seem that the whole ad biz has to be rethought big time. Kudos to that. Even as far back in his 1963 book, "Confessions of an Advertising Man," on the very last page David Ogilvy said... "Advertising should not be abolished, but it must be reformed." Andrew lays out some very well structured arguments why this is still the case. Sticking with the Cannes "Festival of Whatever," meme, a couple of years ago, Jeff Goodby wrote a piece in the Wall Street Journal explaining that this Cannes Festival would be his last. For a guy who has won more awards, sat on more juries, and even chaired them, than anybody still standing upright, this is a jaw dropping declaration. But one that I wholeheartedly agree with. To find out why, read the whole piece… Here’s a taster… Nowadays, it is more like a plumbers’ or industrial roofing convention, after which I go home and begin to explain to a friend that there is an amazing new fiberglass insulation technology that will enable us to cost-effectively sheathe surfaces exposed to the sun and make them blah blah blah can I get you another drink? As Andrew points out, the ad biz is rapidly being taken over by "Consultants" rather than agency people. (So, no more booze for you!) These will offer advertisers the benefits of big data, digital, social, VR, AI and whatever else is the current flavor of the month. A few years ago, J. Walter Thompson declared that it was no longer an ad agency, but would from now on be a cultural anthropologist. That didn't last long. However, enough of me, or as the French would put it... Je souffle ma propre trumpette. Back to Andrew's book... Please stop beating the crap out of ad-blocking apps... It's worse than that. As you posit so well... You can't have a conversation with someone when you interrupt them in the middle of what they are watching or listening to... It's rude, it's annoying, and it's going to get them very annoyed. Just do better stuff... Or as dear old David said before they buried him below the turf of  Chateau Toufou... "Stick to your knitting!" By the way, David was never a "Sir," apparently, the Duke of Edinburgh hated him... Figure that one out? Nice one Andrew... Highly recommended.

Buy the fucker... After mine!

Hack gets hacked!

Oh dear, oh fucking dear, news today that a massive cyberattack purportedly designed to take down the Ukrainian government has also affected “several” agencies across the WPP network. At the moment, WPP offices around the world have no access to internal Wi-Fi, and email systems and are facing significant outages. The company’s website is also currently down. Obviously this means we cannot read the Poisoned Dwarf's pontifical statements on the current state of the ad biz. Particularly when it comes to American quarterbacks. Is it just me, or does he sound pissed?

What exactly is a quarterback/ Is it half a fullback?

Larry's head explodes!

Who said money can't buy you everything? Multi-Billionaire, Larry "Ninja" Ellison used to think so. Now he's lost the Americas Cup after investing millions on the Oracle yacht so he might want to rethink that. This is one of the nastiest fuckers on the face of the planet. I once freelanced for the agency handling Oracle's account, we had to make a presentation on the day the stock market tanked and he lost a few billion. He went fucking ballistic. I left the meeting, I stopped working on the account. The money was good, and I am an AdHo... But life is too short for that shit.

One of his other yachts!

Gwyneth gets De-Gooped!

Ace Canadian AdScamer "Ray" points us in the direction of the startling news that an Ex-NASA scientist calls Goops "Healing Stickers" a load of shite! Well, whodathunkit? These are wearable stickers by a company called "Body Vibes" and it is claimed that it uses NASA technology. Goop wrote that the body stickers are capable of rebalancing "the energy frequency in our bodies," since they're made of the "same conductive carbon material NASA uses to line spacesuits" to "monitor an astronaut's vitals during wear." Except, as a NASA rep told Gizmodo, that's not true -- at all. Here's how Gwyneth explains it... "Human bodies operate at an ideal energetic frequency, but everyday stresses and anxiety can throw off our internal balance, depleting our energy reserves and weakening our immune systems. Body Vibes stickers (made with the same conductive carbon material NASA uses to line space suits so they can monitor an astronaut's vitals during wear) come pre-programmed to an ideal frequency, allowing them to target imbalances." How the fuck can she talk shit like that without giggling?

Yeah... She's definitely cracked!

And the winner is... !

So, the final results for the Cannes Fuck Fest are in, and the big winner is... Surprise, surprise... "Fearless Girl" with a Glass Grand Pix, an Outdoor Grand Prix, a PR Grand Prix, and a Titanium Grand Prix. All for a fucking rusty old tin statue facing off a rusty old tin bull! Created by McCann, New York, for client, State Street Global Advisors, you have to wonder just what the fuck this is going to do for the clients business. Ooops, sorry, stupid fucking question.

 

McCann said shoot the cat or become a fucking statue!