AdScam/The Horror!

Boredom Inside!

So, Monday was the day Intel was launching its new campaign from McGarryBowen, featuring “Big Bang Theory’s” Jim Parsons. So far they’ve only released a couple. A “30” with Parsons sneaking peaks inside an Intel “secret” lab then getting thrown out, and a “15” on a plane with him talking shit to the passengers about Intel’s amazing technology. Both are somewhat yawn inducing (a common McGarryBowen trait) but more importantly, they fall into the trap most technology companies seem unable to avoid… Cramming all those “speeds & feeds” into 28 seconds, let alone 13 seconds, is not a viable proposition. You just know that when Intel said to McGarry, “we want to tell people that with Intel RealSense technology you can scan objects in 3D, control devices with gestures, refocus after you take photos, show our giant new logo and have the music sting we love… And we want it all in a 30 second TV commercial.” McGarryBowen saluted, clicked heels and said certainly Sir, we can have that for you as soon as Mr. Bowen checks out of his motel. My mate, Noreen O’Leary at AdWeek tells us that they considered more than 60 mega bucks celebs before picking Jim Parsons. Fuck... If it had been up to me, I would have picked Kaley Cuoco.

Do you really have to ask why? 

More Sting-A-Boola Bullshit!

As I posted earlier, Sting will be coming on board in January to save the rapidly sinking “The Last Ship” from Broadway ignominy. Today’s New York Times has jumped aboard the AdScam band wagon to report that he’s actually taking over the lead from Jimmy Nail on December 9^th. As the Ace-Poseur so modestly put it… “It’s not like I’ve flown in from Planet Rock Star to save the day.” Oh yes you have, you wanker. And I didn’t know you owned a planet, as well as all those fucking castles. The NYT also points out that he is not an investor in his own show… Boy, nothing like not putting your money where your fucking mouth is.” The NYT further informs us that Sting is replacing the actor Jimmy Nail, a British singer-songwriter and a friend of Sting’s, who said he was making way for Sting “happily” for the good of the show. (Sting emphasized that he was only joining with Mr. Nail’s blessing.) Ha fucking right, as if Jimmy had a choice. Still, “Gordon” will have to cut down on his eight hour shags for the next month. Wanker!

Jimmy's on the right. Does that look "happily" to you?

Be a Pilot at Air Ellison. Get Fucked!

You know that Larry “Ninja” Ellison bought himself an island in Hawaii a couple of years ago… Well apparently he also bought himself an airline… “Island Air.” Now there’s news this weekend that by mistake, the airline sent out $4,000 bonuses to its pilots which weren’t due to be paid out until next year. Now the airline wants the pilots to give the money back. The bonuses went to about 45 pilots and amounted to less than $180,000. This is less than Larry makes in a fucking day. C’mon you mean fucker, let the pilots keep it. According to Forbes, you are currently worth $51.8 fucking billion and have giant yachts and shit coming out of your arse. Jesus, how much do you need?

Suck my cock, you pilot fucker!

Sting’s Ship Sinketh!

The word on Broadway is that Sting’s musical, “The Last Ship,” is sinking faster than the Titanic. Apparently Sting will step in and replace the current star of the show, Jimmy Nail, for January in an attempt to boost flagging ticket sales for what is traditionally a week month. Then, they’ll close the show down and Sting will depart for the Amazon rain forest, where he will cover himself with mud and eat termites whilst having lots of PR photos taken. I have to admit, I am not a Sting fan. I think he is a fucking poseur with his fake threadbare clothes and delusions of grandeur. This is a guy who once claimed he could have sex for eight hours non-stop. And, who refused to go to both his parent’s funerals, because they would turn into media circuses! Anyway, anyone who still refers to himself as “Sting” at the age of 63 is a juvenile wanker. 

I go to the Amazon for a week, and some fucker burns one of my eight castles to the ground!

Black Friday Bollocks!

Last week’s box office hit was “Dumb and Dumber To” which is actually a documentary on the current fucked up state of the minds of American shoppers. There’s a guy in Florida who on November 11^th, two weeks before Thanksgiving, pitched a three room tent (with air-conditioning and TV) outside Best Buy in order to be first through the door on Black Friday to buy all kinds of electronic shit at knock-down prices. He and his family of fucktards will actually have their Thanksgiving dinner in the fucking tent! I was about to award this family the “AdScam Douchenozzles of the Year” award until I discovered that there have been two ladies in California (where else?) camped out at a Best Buy since November 5^th. That’s nearly a week earlier than the retard in Florida. Apparently they’ve been doing this for years! You can’t make this shit up.

Meanwhile, at Best Buy, Fargo...

Shut up Hitler and eat your pigs trotters!

My good mate, Professor Kolstad, from Lewis Clark College, here in the Fourth Reich, has sent me the 567433 iteration of Hitler freaking out in the bunker. This one is a beauty, ‘cos the trip to Yorkshire to get pissed that he and his gang were booked on has been cancelled. Instead they will have to go to Lancashire. Hitler loses it ‘cos he will have to drink Boddingtons instead of John Smiths. The girls in the corridor shouldn’t get upset as they will have cyanide. Still, he reasons, it could have been worse, they might have gone to London, which is full of Pearly Kings, and all you can eat are jellied eels. I’m sorry, I can’t begin to explain any of this to you. But I would strongly advise you to eat lots of lovely tripe and wash it down with Boddingtons. It’s from my fucking home town… Manchester.  

There’s nowt wrong with Lancashire’s gourmet foods!

Wanna a Chinese market car account? Wanna shove red hot chopsticks in your eyes?

You have to laugh at the news that after Crispin won the world’s longest running agency pitch to collar the Infinity account, Anomaly will handle Infiniti out of its Shanghai office for the next year or so. This is obviously because the Frat/Fart boys need lots of time to find a Chinese office big enough for the creative’s to house their numerous kerchief wearing dogs. For fucks sake, Crispin, Anomaly and Goodby spent a year pitching this piece of shit… So why the fuck didn’t Infinity simply give the account to Anomaly in the first place? It smells like "Commonwealth" déjà vue, all over again to me. And didn't Crispin say that the account would be handled out of its Boulder office, anyway? MDC must have agreed to a razor thin financial deal that would make your fucking eyes bleed!

We wish the fee paid in dogs. You can keep the kerchiefs.

Big Friday Oooops!

Several AdScamers have emailed me, concerned that I may have moved on to the Fifth Reich in the sky. Why so? ‘Cos it’s Friday, and so far, no Kate. Sorry about that. I was somewhat busy on other shit… So, here you go…

One of my favorites...

Welcome to the Shits Carlton, Blackpool!

In yet another illustration that you should be very, very careful about posting shit on sites residing on the “Tubes.” News from Britain that a couple has been fined one hundred quid (about $140) by a Blackpool hotel for posting a negative review of the hotel on the Website “TripAdvisor.” The couple stayed one night at the hotel they described on the site as “a rotten, stinking hovel.” When they got home they found £100 charged to their credit card. The hotel said its policy was to charge for "bad" reviews. Ha, serves them right for staying in Blackpool. It's not only dangerous... It’s a fucking shithole! 

Blackpool. On the one day of the year the sun comes out!

Mike Nichols R.I.P.

The sad news yesterday about the death of Mike Nichols reminded me of the ball bustingly funny video clip of the 1959 Emmy’s, in which Elaine May presents him with the “Total Mediocrity Award.” Forget for a moment that he is talking about the film industry… He could just as easily be talking about the Ad Biz. The video is as funny as shit… And conclusive proof that nothing ever changes when it comes to consumer communication and the people responsible for producing it. 

Yes indeed!