AdScam/The Horror!

Arthur… What a “Beezer!”

I’m sure by now you’ve read the wonderful story about “Arthur” the stray dog in Ecuador that met a team of Swedish adventure athletes and grew so attached to the squad that he ran for miles and swam along to keep up with them. Now Arthur has been adopted by one of the team members and is sitting out his 120 days quarantine before joining his new family for hopefully a long and happy life… However, if someone could get a message to Arthur, I would be more than grateful…

Hi Arthur, best of luck in your new home, a place called Örnsköldsvik, in the far North of Sweden, which I have actually been to. It was January, it was minus fifty degrees and it was the coldest I have ever been in my entire fucking life. Oh, and you should get yourself a head torch as its dark half the year. And while you’re at it get a peg for your nose. The place is full of paper mills so it stinks of Hydrogen Sulfide (rotten eggs.) My good friend, Ask, over at AdLand, recommends a dog bowl full of Bäska Droppar twice a day… It worked for me! Anyway, the people are wonderful, and that's the main thing. Stay “Lagom.” Cheers/George

Now he’s Arthur Lindnord.

The Internet of Total Bollocks!

Apart from will.i.am and his wanky-watch, we are constantly being told how very soon our fridge will sense that we are running out of milk, utilize the “tubes” to signal the supermarket of this dire situation, which will immediately dispatch a drone and drop the milk down your chimney. It’s that “Internet of Things” bullshit. Actually, I can remember all that fridge ordering the milk crap from Comdex – 1910... It still hasn’t happened. Anyway, news just out that the “Internet of Things” will be used to kill someone. No shit! Wouldn’t surprise me. If you don’t pre-order your iPhone 100 a year before it comes out, Apple sends 10,000 volts through your fucking iTodger muff. I just hope it remembers to order my milk first!

What's wrong with plain and simple "tubes?"

More will.i.am wankiness!

OK shoppers, your “Black Friday” orgasmic dreams have just come true… If you wanted to outdo the retards living in tents outside Best Buy, you will have started queuing outside Bloomingdales last night in order not to miss the 7.00 AM unveiling of the will.iam Disco-a-Boola, as the Leonardo DaVinci of the 21^st century plays beats from his “smartband,” i.amPULS. Yes indeed, truly awful music on a truly ugly plastic gizmo that fucks up your wrist. Logo genius, will.i.am describes this as an iconic intersection between fashion and technology, or as he sums it up… “Fashionology.” Or, as I would sum it up… “Fucktardology!” Stick to logos, Billie. 

There's only one thing I want on my body!

Carly for Prez… What a joke!

You have to laugh at the news that Queen Carly Fiorina is contemplating a run for the Presidency in 2016. This is a woman who started the wrecking (which continues today) of what used to be a great company, Hewlett-Packard. Who walked with the usual humungous golden parachute, then ran for the Senate in 2010, got her arse severely kicked, and to this day, still owes consultants and staffers $500,000. Even though she has a reputed net worth of up to $130 fucking million. Here’s what the granddaughter of one of Hewlett-Packard’s founders, Arianna Packard, said about her… “I know a little bit about Carly Fiorina, having watched her almost destroy the company my grandfather founded. So, allow me to disillusion you of a few of your stated reasons for supporting her. Most business commentators consider Fiorina's tenure at HP to be a disaster, the stock price dropped by 50% only to rally 10% on the announcement of her firing. She fired 28,000 people before she herself was fired, departing with the 21 million dollar golden parachute.” Part of that severance package included a two year service contract for her laptop, worth all of forty fucking dollars! As Salon reports… The rationale for a Fiorina candidacy is twofold. First, she thinks her internal plumbing would help counter charges that the GOP is insensitive to women’s concerns. (Fiorina herself is anti-choice, but never mind that bit.) More important, Fiorina would tout her business background as evidence of her financial acumen and her ability to get the nation’s fiscal house in order. Oh yes indeed. Before voting for her, women should consider that one of her first actions at H-P was to cancel sponsorship of “The Woman’s Challenge.” At the time, the biggest cycle race for women in the world. She said it wasn’t worth the $180,000 they spent on it. She then went out and sponsored the Williams Formula One team for $13 million a year. Mind you, she did get to go to the Monte Carlo GP on one of her company planes. You have to get your priorities right! Wanker-Esse!

Carly was a precocious child! 

The most meaningless award imaginable!

My favorite British ad site, MoreAboutAdvertising, has a post today… “Oystercatchers awards show how new business pitches have become an industry inside an industry.” Apparently, Oystercatchers is the dumbfuck name of yet another agency search consultant. The categories for this meaningless competition include, “Best RFI.” (Response to client request for information.) “Best Agency Web Site,” and “Best Agency Credentials.” The most obvious one… “Agency that wins the most new business,” does not seem to be included. I’ll make a bet that all the winners pay Oystercatchers a retainer fee. Which makes the whole thing somewhat pointless… As I said in a comment… “Bloody hell. What’s next? I would suggest the “Titanium Dildo” for the most money blown on a losing pitch. I remember when Ad Awards were for the best advertising. But that was before most of you were born.” Yes, we are fucked.

Indeed!

Thanksgiving in the Fourth Reich!

Today is Thanksgiving. A strange American holiday that celebrates the arrival of the pilgrims to liberate the locals from their un-Christian like bad habits and introduce them to the pleasures of ride-through “Big Turkey’s” and “Super-Sized” corn fries. Here in the Fourth Reich, we celebrate in our own particular way. The Fuhrer hosts a giant Schnitzel Roast with Super Sized Sauerkraut, all washed down with giant foaming steins of real fucking beer. The Bud Light is used for washing the Panzers parked at the entrance to the AdScam Bunker. Cyanide pills accompanied with genuine Idaho Potato vodka will be served for “Afters.” Sieg Heil!

The Turkey Whopper, Mein Fuhrer, was a CP+B invention!

If it feels good… Eat it!

Over at AdWeek, there’s a piece titled… “Yes, shoppers actually do like those adventurous new food flavors.” It tells us that such mind bending concoctions as Caramel Apple Granola bars, Pepperoni Pizza Toppers and Hot Jalapeno Potato chips have consumer appeal. Well, what the fuck is adventurous about those? In Britain, crisps (potato chips, here in the colonies) come in a zillion flavors, including, “Tripe & Onions” and “Rat Vindeloo.” Back in my Mad Man days, I worked on the Hunt’s account at B&B. They came out with something called “Crazy Peaches.” Canned peach chunks in all kinds of non-peach flavors and non-peach colors. They were aimed at kids… After spending millions, the kids said… “Fuck this, why are these peaches green, blue and purple. And why don’t they taste like peaches?” Thereby reinforcing the old adage… If it aint broke, don’t fucking fix it!

I also had to wear the proper attire for client meetings!

H-P… In the shitter... Again!

It would seem that Hewlett-Packard CEO, Meg “I Know Baseball Memorabilia” Whitman’s efforts to steer the Exxon Valdez of technology companies from the rapidly approaching rocks, continue to be of little avail. The stock got hammered in after hours trading yesterday when they announced, yet again, numbers that didn’t meet the expectations of the analysts, who in all fairness have no fucking idea what they are doing anyway. As Meg intends to split what used to be a great company into a gazillion parts, it was somewhat amusing that the only division showing growth was personal computing, whilst the much touted division of the future, “enterprise services” lost 7%. In the last ten years or so, HP has had a series of CEO’s who have performed fucking abysmally. They have all talked up a storm about turning the company around. They have all failed… And they have all walked with humungous severance packages. Fuck… When can I get a job like that?

Don't worry. Meg will turn Hewlett Packard around. Or retire rich. Wait a minute she's already fucking rich!

Twitter’s CFO is a Twat!

If you ever wanted proof that when it comes to communications, with the various social, messaging, digital, douchenozzling capabilities at our disposal, we are getting dumber by the day… Look at the news that Twitter’s CFO publicly tweeted a message about how he intended to buy a company, and how he was going to manipulate the deal. Yes, the mega million dollar a year retard “publicly” tweeted this shit to the entire universe. Back in the old days, the Mafia Capos had their “made men” hand deliver messages, along with the Cannoli, before they blew the recipients brains out. Now, retards broadcast to the entire world… They are fucking idiots. Always remember… Sooner or later… The “Tubes” will get you!

Good advice. Twitter Fuck!

Let’s talk shit!

There’s a Web site with the unpretentious title… “bigthink.com” which hosts 1,500 “experts.” I just read one by a douchenozzle CEO from JWT… “The Brand Idea: From Unity, Strength”… Which manages to cobble all those words I fucking hate, into a screed of mind bending mush. Here are some samples…

The “brand idea” — a commercial life force, a product’s soul, invisible but omnipresent — forges order from chaos across a shape-shifting digital brandscape. 

 It’s time to achieve a harmony of opposites: between the clarity of positioning and the dynamism of consumer engagement; between long-term brand equity and short-term tactical messaging; and between emotional relevance and results driven by data-driven technology.

The brand idea — mutual and bilateral, inherently reciprocal — is the prerequisite for both consistent messaging and two-way engagement.

Advertising leaders should remove barriers to conceptual and technological holism. 

Agencies should be populated with pairs of “conceptual distillers” and “systemic designers.” The former ensures thematic focus. The latter enables a full range of three-dimensional experience to blossom.

Are we fucked with people who talk like this in charge? Yes, of course we are fucked!

AdScam's "Shit Talker of the Week" award!