AdScam/The Horror!

I’m off, and I’m taking my $10K tits with me!

So, in the really important news this weekend, AdScam notes that Mae Myat Noe, a model from Myanmar (It used to be called Burma, and at one time was the world epicenter of shaving cream) has been stripped of the Miss Asia Pacific beauty queen title for… “Being rude and dishonest,” which is probably code for, “Not sleeping with the judges.” Anyway, she wasn’t taking that shit lying down – Ha, fucking Ha – Subtle word play there – So she fucked off with the $100,000 crown and her brand new breast implants. Sounds like a spunky young lady to me!

Yes indeed. Beauty pageants were my life, until I discovered roofing... And Smirnoff! 

I want Chelsea Clinton’s job!

Apparently, Chelsea Clinton is giving up her $600K a year gig with NBC to concentrate on her work with the Clinton Foundation. I mean, the poor fucker was slaving in the salt mines of NBC, where she had to produce less than six fucking items, which worked out to roughly $26,724 for each minute she appeared on air. She can now concentrate on doing $100K a pop speeches for the American Federation of Trash Haulers at their Las Vegas convention. OK, Mom and Dad can triple that, but after she gets elected as POTUS in twenty years, then she can really start pulling in the big bucks. The point of this weekend rant? Most people in advertising are snot gobbling greedy bastards, but compared to politicians and their families… We are fucking saints.

Fuck politics… Just be a dictator! 

Poisoned Dwarf… Out for a duck!

Over on MoreAboutAdvertising, mate Stephen Foster has a piece… Is Sir Martin’s “Black Swans” theory one for the birds? Apparently, His Gnomeship has uncorked a swan metaphor in defense of WPP’s less than sterling recent financials. As Stephen explains…Black swans, in Sorrell-ese, are nasty unpredictable events, the grey version are predictable problems that may still turn out to be nastier than expected. The sad thing about this kind of bullshit is that it demonstrates the lack of awareness Sir Martin has of his own organizations history. Many years ago, Dear Old David wrote an ad to fill a senior creative position within the Ogilvy organization. He too used a swan metaphor, only his was truly Ogilvy-esque in its splendor and aptness. Enjoy it, particularly the last line, below.

“Write in inviolable secrecy to me.” Wonderful!

Even on a foggy day, you can see Hoboken!

Sticking with AdFreak for the remainder of this week, Tim Nudd has a piece about some wanky design shop paying major bucks to buy a billboard opposite Ogilvy, New York, in order to drum up some business from the BDA. Actually, they could have saved some major bucks by putting a sign on a garbage scow and floating it down the Hudson. Never forget, back in 2009, when Ogilvy announced their move to an ex chocolate factory on Eleventh Avenue, I rechristened the BDA as Ogilvy, East Hoboken. Another ten feet and they would have been in the fucking river. Still, the rent is cheap and it helps pay the humungous flower bill for the Gramercy Park love nest!

Even on a foggy day, George can see my bum!

Blood beats nun’s piss!

Alfred Maskeroni, “curator” of weird fucking ads over at AdFreak, has dug up one from Brazil pimping Skol lager as the beer of choice for vampires. Yeah, that’s why everyone in the spot hangs upside down from various objects and has a pale green skin tone. The voice over scolds the sun for attempting to come up and deny them their night time hours to drink this nun’s piss excuse for beer. And yes, you knew this was coming… Why is the VO in English…? Do Brazilian vampires not speak Portuguese? And, I sincerely want to know this. If you enter a UK/USA spot for a Brazilian awards show, what fucking language should it be in… Swahili? 

What's wrong with Nun's Piss?

How about Fuhrer Piss?

Spam, Spam, Spam… etc…!

AdWeek has a great piece about the longevity of Spam as a gourmet treat for nearly a billion fucking years. It starts off with this… London in late December 1942 wasn’t a very merry place. The blitz had dragged into its second year, damaging or destroying nearly a million buildings. Londoners slept in the Underground each night. Over 150,000 families had no water, gas or electricity. Amid the desultory landscape, CBS broadcaster Edward R. Murrow began his Christmas broadcast for CBS radio listeners in America. “This is London,” Murrow intoned. “Although the Christmas table will not be lavish, there will be Spam luncheon meat for everyone.” Well, as a child growing up in Britain during WWll, I am somewhat tired of the inference that the only place the “Blitz” took place was London. My home town was Manchester, and along with Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Glasgow and a lot of other cities building tanks, planes, ships, and other weapons of war… We got the shit bombed out of us. And we didn’t get much Spam either… Maybe it was all going to the Vikings!

Obviously, he's not a Mancunian!

She cannae take any more Captain!

I love it when so-called experts make predictions about shit that never happens and then end up with egg on their faces. For several years now we’ve been hearing that the days of the Personal Computer are over and you’ll now be able to do all your stuff like running your Chernobyl Nuclear Reactor on a smart phone, or taking care of the entire US Air Traffic control system on a fucking tablet. Well, guess what? Sales of PC’s are surging in the US, Japan and Europe. Even the Mainframe never went away. IBM still sells a shitload. Personally, when I’m in the clouds at 30,000 feet, I want to be looked after by a honking great IBM System z9, not some toy hooked up to a virtual cloud stuffed with fucking Facebook chat and Twitter shit!

AdScam’s Dilithium Crystal powered mainframe!

Advertising gob shite!

There’s a piece over at AdAge requesting B-to-B marketers to “Lighten up with the business speak”… Yeah, fair enough but how about AdNozzles cutting the jargon. You may have noticed I take the piss out of the way Fucktards blithely throw around such shit as… Holistic, Artisanal and Curation. Plus a few hundred others. Long time readers of AdScam may remember how I relished taking the piss out of Draft/FCB’s declaration that they were “Building the Agency of the Future by Blowing up the Silos and Knocking Down the Walls.” Instead, they created the “Agency of the Past.” I once presented some work to the CEO of a major Silicon Valley company. He looked at it, nodded his head and said… “I can resonate to that.” What a wanker! I almost went non-linear!  

Talk about "Lighten up!"

The FINAL ice bucket challenge!

“Professor Brian Kolstad” The Fourth Reich’s number one AdScamer has sent me what has to be the very final word on the Ice Bucket madness. As Brian points out, with his camo pants, stars and stripes vest and Confederate flag, this douchenozzle is more than likely residing somewhere in our fair state. Check out his last words… Dude!!!

Today's motto for dudes!

Ice bucket wank-o-boola!

Ace AdScamer, Floyd Hayes, has come up with the ultimate “Ice Bucket Challenge.” He is describing it as the “World’s Smallest Ice Bucket Challenge.” It uses a one ounce shot glass with one lousy fucking ice cube in it. Personally, I would call it the “Coward’s Ice Bucket Challenge.” Anyway, his challenge is to Piers Fawkes, Uber-Fuhrer of psfk.com, who in keeping with the content of psfk, will holistically, artisanaly, crowdfund and curate the effort, using a Steuben crystal shot glass and a five hundred carat diamond, hand polished by Ethiopian entrepreneurs. The crowdfunding will enable Piers to continue enjoying his lavish life style, whilst the challenger, Floyd, will get fuck all. That’s life, mate! 

Over at psfk, the Holistic life continues!