AdScam/The Horror!

What about the trampoline gap?

In case you missed it… Due to the current peevishness between Russia and the US over the shit happening in the Ukraine, amongst the sanctions the US is placing on Russia, are several aimed at the Russian space program. However, this does raise one little problem for the US space program… Russian deputy prime minister Dmitry Rogozin used his Twitter account to state, “After analyzing the sanctions against our space industry, I suggest to the USA to bring their astronauts to the International Space Station using a trampoline.” And, as a SpaceNozzle tweeted, “@doug_burke Back of the envelope calculation suggests you may need to dig 50 km hole for trampoline to stretch into, jump on it from plane.” 

NASA astronauts in training!

“Twitter going tits up?

Last night, after the market’s close, Twitter announced less than sterling results when reporting a net loss. So, obviously, the stock got hammered in after-hours trading. You can read all the boring, mealy mouthed metrics here… But you have to love this from Twitter CEO, Douchenozzle, Dick Costello… "We still firmly believe it will be a combination of changes over the course of the year that will result in the growth of the platform." And, exactly what the fuck does that mean in 140 characters or less? Listen Dickie-Boy, it’s not a platform, it’s a cretinous, cretin-thing to be used by cretins communicating with fellow cretins about their cretinous lives!

Did someone say "Tits Up" mein Fuhrer?

“The biggest losing douchenozzle!”

Just to prove… As someone once said in “The Full Monty,” there’s now’t so queer as folk. Following on from my last post about uber-grease-burger vendor, Burger King’s appointment of David Ogilvy’s bastard son “David” as AOR, AdWeek points out that “People who eat fast food, also watch The Biggest Loser.” Why the fuck am I not in the least surprised at this cataclysmic statement? Indeed, why am I no longer surprised about anything I read in the ad trades? Yawn, fucking yawn! Hitler tomorrow.

Nah… Fuck it… Hitler today! Was ist das?"

 

Subservient David!

Did you see that Burger King has appointed “David” as its AOR? Part of the Poisoned Dwarf’s evil empire; “David” was founded by a bunch of South American Ogilvy execs, and is now being tasked with “executing global work so that the brand has a more consistent global image.” For fucks sake, cut the bullshit, these are burgers and fries being sold to people who want to pay less than the price of a packet of fags for fast food that will eventually kill them. No wonder they’re bringing back “Subservient Chicken” The CP+B campaign that got a billion hits whilst Burger King sales declined for years. The real “David” must be spinning like a top under the Chateau turf. What the fuck can we look forward to next “Howard?” 

Will I have to give up my current job?

Yahoo does show biz… Badly!

In a time when so many content providers are pumping out quality programming such as Game of Thrones, Mad Men, House of Cards, Boardwalk Empire etc., etc. The truly exciting news is that Yahoo is jumping into the fray… With two sitcoms. “Sin City Saints” about a Las Vegas basketball team, and “Other Space” about space adventurers in an alternate universe… Which might be the one Marissa is currently fucking living in… Yeah, sports and Sci-Fi, that’s gonna be great… Read the totally inane, boring and fucking shitasmic synopsis here. And if that’s not enough for you, the exciting knicker wetting news is that Katie Couric will be “showcasing” her soporific wares later this year. However, the two sitcoms don’t start until 2015. Which gives Marissa plenty of time to pick up a mega-million golden parachute and go on to her next fiasco. 

Meantime, in an alternate universe, Marissa is.... 

Hard times on madison avenue!

Just the other day I posted about the Poisoned Dwarf’s evil empire posting less than sparkling quarterly numbers, ‘cos their overseas income was hammered by currency fluctuations. Now news that the world’s Biggest Dumbest Client (BDC) Proctor & Gamble is feeling the effects of currency-shitola on its bottom line, so will do the obvious solution… It will spend less on ad agency fees. Fucking right, proving you can squeeze blood from a stone, particularly when it’s a Big Dumb Agency stone. 

P&G got rich squeezing shit!

More Kim-Ka-Tastic-A-Boola!

In my post on Sunday, I asked what the fuck is wrong with these North Korean wankers? Every time you see a picture of “Dearly Beloved Leader’ Kim Jong-Un, he is surrounded by senior army fucktards making copious notes on paper steno pads with 50 year old Bic pens. Then, funnily enough I came across a piece on the BBC Web site titled… Why is Kim Jong-un always surrounded by people taking notes? I swear I hadn’t read this before I posted on Sunday. Further proof, that like Kim Jong-un, AdScam knows everything about everything, before anyone knows anything about fuck all… He said modestly. And if you don’t believe me… I’ll have you shot… Just kidding!

Before opening the North Korean office of the WPP Evil Empire. Ha, can you guess the fucking logic behind that? I took copious notes from the "Jong-un" on the best way to go about it. Basically it was... If they don't agree with you, shoot the fuckers... That certainly made sense to me!

Is the world’s future biggest dumbest holding company about to become the world’s biggest dumbest holding Company that never happened?

Even though this tasty morsel popped up last Friday, I have refrained from posting it over the weekend when the Ad Hoi-Poloi are off to the Hamptons, Mill Valley, Sun Valley, or the lower depths of the Ninth Circle… ‘Cos when they get back to their 32^nd floor corner offices on 52^nd and Madison, and check in to AdScam on a Monday morning they may be stunned… Ney, gob smacked, to discover that the uber-merger of Publicis and Omnicom, to create “Pubic-Com” or, if you prefer. “Comly- Pubics,” might be on the skids… Why so? Well, how the fuck about a little thing called Ego – Hubris – Wankerdom? Basically, the shit/merde, seems to boil down to a little matter of who the fuck will be running the show from here on out? Levy and Wren seem to be at a bit of an impasse here. Or, as the Poisoned Dwarf put it so well… "You have one talking Chinese and the other Japanese." And he should know… ‘Cos he speaks Sorrell-eese fluently! You have to step back from this farrago of advertising verisimilitude and wonder just what the fuck is going on here. On the other hand, let us continue to knock down the walls and blow up the silos in our never ceasing quest to create the “Agency of the Future.” Yawn, fucking yawn!

Mmmm...No wonder they are chuckling like churls. Those are Cartier boxes on the table. So, they are both going to be sporting Cartier $12 K watches. Or, they do what I do... Go down on Canal Street and buy the fuckers for fifty bucks. The boxes are an extra ten!!!

Kim Kraps… And it aint Kardashian!

What the fuck is wrong with these North Korean wankers? Every time you see a picture of “Dearly Beloved Leader’ Kim Jong-Un, he is surrounded by senior army fucktards making copious notes on paper steno pads with 50 year old Bic pens. Don’t these dog eaters know that we are now living in iParadise. Get the smart phone, tablet, wearable Internet shit out and fire up the “App” that allows you to turn Boise, Idaho into a glowing and smoldering heap of radio-active molten glass long before I have time to imbibe my third Idaho Potato Vodka martini. Shit… Do I have to tell the world,s megalomaniac dictators everything? Did you ever think about starting an agency?

So, that's what the steno pads are for... Kim-Krapola!

Nike just does it… Tediously!

Wow… Wieden + Kennedy just made a fantastic spot for Nike featuring hundreds of famous footballers who get paid millions to wear Nike boots. There’s also cameo bits by famous sports rapists and models with big tits… Then to cap it all off there’s the HULK wearing size 54 green fucking boots. You have to hand it to the guys in Portlandia, when it comes to Nike, they just do it… The same old shit over and over. Where the fuck is Lance Armstrong when you need an untainted sporting hero?

Phil Knight gave it to me as a pet!