AdScam/The Horror!

I’m bored!!!

In the immortal words of George Sanders, or was it Hitler, before they blew their brains out… I am truly fucking bored with the current state of the ad biz. Consider that it is, in fact, the world’s second oldest profession. And we know what the first was. So we have survived by reinventing ourselves to be able to spout shit for whatever current crop of Caesars, Popes, Lords or CEO’s will foot the bill for our three martini lunches. Now, thanks to the miracles of technology, we are finding it harder and harder to explain EXACTLY what the fuck it is we do, and avoid them realizing they could probably do it for themselves, and much cheaper. It’s even harder to get them to cough up for a three Evian lunch. But who the fuck wants to drink Evian? If you are considering entering the business now… Do yourself a favor and consider plumbing. There will always be shit clogging pipes, as distinct from shit clogging your brains.

Thank God for Kate. Never boring!

You cannot hide in the “tubes.”

Bob Garfield over at MediaPost has a good take on digital pimping. You know, when you buy something from a site on the Internet, then are besieged forever with fucking ads for the thing you have already bought. Here’s the comment I left… But isn't this obvious? All this bullshit about data is simply an extension of the smoke & mirrors, snake oil, that we in the Adverati have relied on to confuse clients for years. It used to be "Branding." God forbid you should confuse that with sales. Now it is "likes - pokes - conversations." With data, we can now better target potential customers, even when they are no longer potential customers... And we still haven't acknowledged that finding them is half the task... Convincing them to purchase is the most important part... And it's something data can't do for you. No wonder everything is getting worse.

It’s broken Capn’ The Dilithium crystals can’na  hold!

Arrested on suspicion of serving stale cake!

I had to laugh when I was doing catch up on the Rebekah “Hair like Medusa” Brooks trial at the Old Bailey – “M’Lud” It would seem that her PA, Cheryl Carter, who is also on trial, was being questioned about the seven huge boxes of files she removed from her boss's office… Ah, she claimed, that was shit I used for writing my beauty column in the Sun… Now you know why it’s such a crapola of a paper… Besides which, she went on… The police who were searching the office didn’t seemed to mind me emptying all the the file drawers and packing them in boxes after I had served them tea and cake! Shortly after this, she decided to immigrate to Australia. Two days before leaving, the police arrested her and confiscated her passport. Fuck me… Maybe she should have wrapped the cake in a fiver! 

OK... Where's the fucking cake?

Brit Mums rule!

For all you wankers out there who think March 30^th is just another day in the never ending agony of college basketball playoffs… Is this the only fucking sport, pro and amateur, were the playoffs last longer than the regular season? No… Today is Mother’s Day in Britain. TheDrum.com, a loverrrrllly UK ad site, has a nice compilation of best “Mum’sDay” spots from the UK… But ya have to love the Fiat spot “The Motorhood,” which has all kinds of sexual shit in it… Look out for “Orgasm Faker!” Hats off to Fiat for not pimping the fucking car ‘til your eyes bleed. Oh… There’s a sequel for Dads. Check out the brief cameo of the Mum with her “Join a book club” shoulder bag. Thank God for British fucking advertising. 

Kids, 'cor blimey!

God-jobs saves mankind, again!

We will soon be enjoying Russell Crowe building a great big fucking boat and packing it with lots of smelly beasts as he saves the world from the evil side of the Cain & Abel family… Namely Ray Winston doing “Tubal-Cain” in a cockney accent… No fucking surprise there. He even did Beowulf as if he had a mouthful of Jellied Eels. What a Geezer! Anyway, check out this video of how they made it rain like a biblical flood with a single iPad App. You just fucking know GodJobs organized it from the iCloud. Who else can make miracles? 

Without me...You're fucked!

Ford fucks Cadillac!

I’m sure by now you’ve seen the Ford spot that takes the piss out of the truly fucking shitasmic Cadillac spot praising the American ethic of the “Givers” who work a gazillion hours a week and never take a fucking vacation… ‘Cos they need all those dollars to buy big and ugly sheet metal. Thanks to Ace AdScammer, "Whacked Paddy" for reminding me. The Ford spot is rather droll and somewhat amusing (translation for Cadillac wankers, it’s “awesome.”) Kudos to “Team Detroit.” Headed up by ace “Taker,” the Poisoned Dwarf!

Kate only humps Fords!

Luddites of the world, unite!

There’s a short post by “Livius” over on “Slashdot” that really caught my eye… “The Luddites were on to something. Not that mechanization is evil - it is progress. But what we're seeing now that we have not faced in the past is technology and automation advancing faster than society's capacity to restructure the economy so that everyone has an opportunity for some basic livelihood. Extremes of poverty and desperation are not a good alternative.” It raised a ton of comments… Thank God on Slashdot you don’t have to fuck around with Disqus… Wonder how my Klout score is doing? Actually, who gives a toss!

Not me mate... All I care about is AdScam!

Facebook… There will be no escape!

You can’t escape from ZuckerNozzle. As he had a few billion left in his acquisition kitty, yesterday he shelled out a mere $20 million for a British company that does space age drone shit. It’s all part of his plan to smother the Universe in smelly Facebook plasma via drones and laser beams. I don’t understand it, but I guarantee it’s fucking evil. I’m going to make one of those tin foil hats that will make the FaceNozzle rays bounce back at the drone and then be transmitted back and melt Zuckernozzle’s brains. On a lighter note, today is the birthday of Albert the Warlike, Prince of Beyreuth. Mind you, unlike me, he’s been dead a few hundred years… But what a great fucking name… Mmmm George the Grumpy… Doesn’t have the same ring, does it?

He's not grumpy... He's loverrrllly!

Droga5 becomes Droga4!

My good mate, Dave Droga, was on his way to a conference in Sydney (Fuck Dave, try and stay in the office for at least one full week) when somewhere over Karachi, Droga5, Sydney, lost Woolworth’s, its biggest account. When interviewed whilst getting “maggot” from a five gallon drum of Kookaburra “goon” in his ten room suite at the Coober Pedy, Mud Hut Motel, Dave took it all in stride. Saying the account was too big for the agency, he added… “I don’t want Droga5 to be the biggest agency; I want it to be the best.” He then ordered up another five gallon drum of Kookaburra. Fucking G’donya, mate! 

Dave gets to go to all the best places!

If you do nothing else all year… Do this!

I know it’s been pimped all over the place, but “This is a Generic Brand Video” is fucking amazing. You can watch it on YouTube, but not on several other sites where it has somewhat ominously already been taken down. It’s based on a McSweeney post by Kendra Eash, which is fucking brilliant. Watch the video, read the words… I’ve been there, all of you have been there… And don’t fucking deny it. That’s why so much of this business sucks… Occasionally, but increasingly less so, we get a chance to do something we aren’t ashamed to show our children. I truly feel sorry for those poor fuckers just starting off in what used to be a great business. Anyway, do as you’re told and watch the fucking video.

For whatever time is left... This is my mission!