AdScam/The Horror!

Freaky is as freaky does!

Over at AdWeek, Tim Nudd lists his 13 freakiest ads of 2013… Most are shit, and not even ads, just videos created for YouTube… However, I do agree with his number one pick… The Jack & Jones spots starring Christopher Walken. Fucking brilliant, the rest are crapola... And like I said, not even ads... I particularly love the Jack & Jones spot with the sheep looking at Walken as if to say... Oh Fuck... I am toast. Can’t blame the poor critter. Kudos to the Danish agency. The vast majority of US agencies wouldn’t have the balls to sell something like that, let alone come up with it… Except, perhaps, Droga5. Thanks Dave, mines a large Hennessey! 

Wow... Fuck... I love her. Does that mean I love him?

Duck Dynasty goes huge!

For all the fucktards out there who have more money than sense and like to enjoy their porn bigger than life… Good news from Korea… Samsung has just introduced a 110 inch ultra high definition TV that will barely fit in your trailer. Yes, this monster is almost ten fucking feet wide and you can have it for a mere $150,000! Samsung, who also make the giant sized Galaxy Gear watch for perverts, are obviously obsessed by bigness. They’ve already sold ten of these things to the Middle East… Now the devout can watch huge naughty shit whilst drinking huge naughty beverages.  

If I take the roof off my rig, the fucker will fit!

AdScam the oracle speaks!

It’s not yet 2014, but the “Poisoned Dwarf” has enlightened us with his thoughts and predictions for the coming year. First off, he goes on about four “Grey Swans.” Obviously he doesn’t want to overshadow dear old David, who was always on the lookout for “Trumpeter Swans.” He’s bullish (lots of animal metaphors being slung around here) about China, Russia and Egypt. Fuck all that democracy bullshit… It’s business, right? He is though a bit concerned about Brazil’s capacity to host the World Cup and the Olympics. No concerns about WPP’s Brazilian agencies when it comes to producing fake ads for Cannes. One of his priorities for WPP is “Horizontality.” As a shareholder, I hope that doesn’t mean lying down on the job. He also drops another veiled hint about taking over Interpublic… Remember, the all knowing AdScam guarantees it. AdScam also guarantees that “His Gnomeship” will continue to make ten times more money than anyone else in the Ad Biz. 

Olympics my arse!!!

When you get to the top… There aint no down!

In case you’ve forgotten, here’s an update on the on-going trial of the “Wizened of Oz’s” evil employees at News International… Yeah, Rebekah “Medusa” Brooks, Andy “I know nothing” Coulson and five others, who are accused of hacking people’s voice mails, including Royals, Pop stars and murdered children, in their voracious search for juicy stories to flog their rancid newspapers. As expected, they are pleading that they knew nothing of what their underlings were up to… Oh fuck yes, that’s why you have the grandiose titles and pull down the big bucks. This is now known as the “Jamie Dimon Defense.” When the “London Whale” was blowing SIX FUCKING BILLION DOLLARS on really bad trades, JP Morgan CEO, Jamie, first claimed it was just a storm in a teacup, then said he knew nothing about it. Then why the fuck are you the CEO pulling down $23 million a year? Where can I get a job like that?  

Don't worry "Rupe" will take care of you!

Enough internet faggotry!

I just got an email from Tumblr congratulating me for AdScam turning four today… Hello you fucking douchenozzles, AdScam is nine years old today. As I understand it, Tumblr is a “microblogging platform and social networking website.” Which sounds like exactly what I am fucking doing right now. That’s what I don’t understand about all this shit. Everything seems to be the same as everything else. Yeah some allow you to post pictures of your fucking shoe collection or your dog dressed up as the Poisoned Dwarf. Others allow you to post pictures of your dick or tits, which they promise will disappear after ten seconds… But as everyone with half a fucking brain knows, shit like that NEVER goes away. And don’t get me started on Klout!

You fucking heard me!

Presidential pillockry!

Apparently, there’s a bit of a barney brewing between Hawaii and Chicago as to which will end up being the home of Obama’s “Presidential Library.” You know the place they store all the records and artifacts (in the case of Reagan, comic books) that no one gives a fuck about. Why can’t they just rent a storage unit ‘till everyone’s forgot about the wanker. It’s only in America that ex-Presidents get themselves a library. In other countries, ex-PM's retire to the country and ex-Dictators get shot. Surely all that ex-US Presidents need is a Swiss bank account to sock away the millions in speaking fees they get for talking shit to fucktards. Go play golf you douchenozzles!

She didn't get a library either!  

Gagging on gaga!

There’s a Web site over in the UK, MusicMagpie.co.uk that allows you to flog off all your unwanted Christmas presents. Over Christmas and Boxing Day they sold 2,686,540 unwanted pieces of shit. And the top selling item? Lady Gaga’s latest album. The second most unwanted piece of shit… The Todd Tilford “Adventure Team” medallion, which is no longer regarded as a collector’s item now that “Idgie” is back in circulation and “Creative Rumbles” have been re-introduced. OK, I just made the last bit up… So, shit my pants! 

Bless you all!

Facebook fucked – Twitter twatted!

This just in… A European study shows that teens… Ya know, the ones with all the money, are deserting Facebook in droves heading over to Twitter, Snapchat, WhatsApp and Instagram. The only ones hanging in on Facebook are the ones their Mum has told them to, so the old farts can see if they are flashing their tiny tits and weenies for their “Friends” who might, in reality, be dirty old fuckers. Here’s the quote of the day… "Facebook is not just on the slide - it is basically dead and buried," wrote Daniel Miller, lead anthropologist on the research team, who is professor of material culture (Shouldn’t that be a “Girl” instead of a guy?) of University College London. Meantime, on this side of the pond, Twitter is cratering on Wall Street, down nearly 13% on the day. Who the fuck can a zillionaire trust his money with these days? 

If this was Snapchat, you’d have to be quick!

McDonald’s cares… they really do!

By now you must have read about the McDonald’s Website that offers its minimum wage employees “work and life guidance.” Yeah, the one that advised workers to steer clear of fast food, ‘cos it’ll fucking kill ya. It also included sample budgets for employees earning $7.25 an hour that were based on holding two jobs and included no costs for heating, as well as suggestions on what to tip a personal fitness trainer or au pair. Guess what? After being mercilessly slagged on social media, Mickey D has pulled the plug on the Web site… But not to worry… McDonald's plans to continue a telephone help line through which the majority of its employees access its work-life help resources. It’ll probably be off-shored to Bangladesh where the people manning the lines would fucking kill for $7.25 an hour. Before the roof collapses! 

Operators are standing by!

Twitter for twats!

Yet another day, yet another Twitter peak down on the Wall Street casino. Closing yesterday at close to seventy four fucking dollars a share, which is TRIPLE its opening November IPO share price (Remember, November was just last month, OK.) You have to wonder what is going on. At a valuation of $40 BILLION, as someone points out, that’s $300,000,000 per character. With its wanky business model, this shit does not make any kind of sense… But then again, neither did the Dot Com Bubble. However, we should remember this is taking place on the Wall Street casino. Tulip Mania or the South Sea Bubble anyone… Or, perhaps a bit of Bitcoin, governor?

I don't need no stinkin' bubbles... Just AdScam!