AdScam/The Horror!

Proof Canadians can be as dumb as Americans!

Ace AdScamer “RayBan” points us in the direction of a news item which proves that Canadian companies are just as fucking stupid as their American neighbors down South. Perhaps, because they don’t read the business news, they are not aware that Canadian company R.I.M. recently pissed away millions hiring Alicia Keyes as a “Global Brand Ambassador,” shortly before going out of business. Now, the Toronto Raptors, some kind of NBA team, which to me, as a sport, is as incomprehensible as football: i.e. a war game played by Neanderthals who get billions to support their violently ant-social habits… Anyway, the Raptors are shelling out millions to hire Canadian hip-hop artist, Drake, (Who da fuck is that?) to be their… Yes, you guessed it… “Global Brand Ambassador.” GBA Drake is quoted as saying… “He will be spreading the gospel.” Maybe someone should tell him you can get crucified – Upside down – For doing evil shit like that!

AdScams Canadian "Brand Ambassador!"

Deep thoughts on thought leadership!

For some strange reason my eye was caught this morning by a news item explaining Digital marketing veteran Max Kalehoff has joined SocialCode as senior vice president of marketing, responsible for corporate marketing, product marketing, thought leadership and public relations. Not that I give a fuck, but it reminded me of the ad biz’s love of pompous titles that in essence are meaningless. Yes, I’ll give Max the benefit of the doubt when it comes to “marketing,” even when they have to break it into “corporate” & “product,” it’s all “marketing” right? I’ll even allow that he’ll probably do an effective job with “public relations.” But what the fuck is “Thought Leadership?” Is this some kind of mind control… Is it yet another NSA program that follows your pathetic thoughts as you Facebook and Twitter your miserable life away? Is this all leading to the inevitable chip in your brain that promises to “Shit Your Pants” as you walk past J.C. Penney in the mall?

Welcome to the Draft/FCB "6.9 Second - Thought Leadership Rumble." My name is Jonathan "Idgy" Harries and I can't think of anything to say. 

Why Joe Naachio is a fucking prince!

Joe Naachio, ex CEO of Qwest is out of prison. If you’ve read “Confessions of a Mad Man,” you will know that Joe is the star of the chapter entitled “Two Douchenozzles and a Prince.” And why was Joe a prince? ‘Cos he was the best fucking client I ever had, and if there were more like him, the ad biz would be a damn site better off than it currently is. First, why did Joe go to the slammer for four years? He was convicted of insider trading for selling several million dollars worth of stock before bad quarterly results were announced. His defense was that because, unlike the CEO’s of all the other telecoms, after 9/11, he refused to disclose Qwest customer information to the NSA, consequentially several promised defense contracts were cancelled, causing the stock to tank. Over the same period, Qwest Chairman, Phil Anschutz sold several billion dollars worth of stock. The Feds never laid a glove on him. The fact that he is a billionaire right wing religious nut and major contributor to the Republican Party is purely coincidental!

And here in an extract from “Confessions of a Mad Man” is exactly why Joe was a Prince…

Qwest had just completed the largest fiber optic network in the US. Obviously, they wanted a campaign to announce this. Problem was, there was an actor’s strike on in the US, and the unions representing the thespian community had barred their members from working until matters were settled. I assured Joe we could overcome this. I wrote a script of about twenty words extolling this momentous event. I read it to Joe in my best Laurence Olivier delivery… “Fucking great,” said Joe. “And what will be happening visually?” I allowed a suitable dramatic pause, and replied… “Wonderful things!” Joe looked at me and said… “Fucking great… Go do it!”

So, I went off to Iceland with my British director mate, Simon Taylor of Tomato, we rented helicopters, snow mobiles, yaks and walruses: Shot icebergs, mountains, Arctic seas and blonde Icelandic ladies (who surprisingly, never appeared in the final edit!) Spent tons of money, and ended up with quite a good commercial that was full of “Wonderful things.” It all comes down to a simple thing called trust. Which is something that rarely exists between agencies and their clients these days. I’ve sent this book to Joe at his current “residence,” and correspond with him regularly. ‘Cos he’s a fucking Prince.

So, that's why Joe went to jail and Snowden went on the run.

Of course all your communications are private. Trust me!

A Monkey simple commercial!

Did you see the new spot for Doritos? “Crash the Super Bowl 2014 – The Crash Ambassador.” Very funny, very piss taking of the whole ad biz… And, best of all it’s from Goodby Silverstein + Partners, so I can shamelessly pimp it whilst fattening up my Swiss numbered bank account. Funniest bit is when they bring on an Indian guy who’s supposed to be Greek. For some reason, half the fucktards in the US got upset… Listen up…It’s a joke you cretins. And yeah, cretins don’t come from Crete.

I’m from Crete, you douchenozzle!

More computing faggotry!

You know all that shit about “wearable computing,” the stuff that will get you killed crossing the road ‘cos you’re too busy looking at porn on your Google Glass, or your fucking barbecue explodes ‘cos you stuck your iPhone thermometer probe in the gas jet instead of the burger… Well now it’s getting worse with the news that Microsoft has just demo-ed a prototype gesture-controlled PC that detects 16 gestures and can be used to navigate Windows 8. So you don’t have to get all that burger grease from your iPhone on to the screen of your Microsoft tablet – If you’re dumb enough to own one. Does this mean that Miley Cyrus can stick out that lusciously long tongue and blow all her FaceBook FuckTards away?

Stick your iPhone thermometer in that!

It’s only fucking money!

Even as Larry “Ninja” Ellison is basking in the glory of his America’s Cup triumph, there’s trouble back at the ranch. No, not ‘cos he fucked all the attendees at OracleNozzleWorld waiting for his keynote speech… No, it’s ‘cos some Oracle shareholders have plucked up the courage to start questioning the size of his pay packet. I don’t see why, all he got last year was a lousy $76.9 million, which was down a couple of million from the year before. Don’t you people realize what a fleet of yachts, a squadron of airplanes, and an ocean of islands cost these fucking days? Meantime, over at RIM, which is rapidly going down the shitty tubes, When it is sold, CEO, Thorsten Heins will walk with a $55 million golden parachute. This is the guy who paid millions to sign up Alicia Keyes as Blackberry’s Global Creative Director. He is unquestionably a wanker, but soon to be a rich one. As my dad used to say… “It’s the rich wot gets the gravy… It’s the poor wot gets the blame.”

My "Gravy" has bubbles in it!

Taylor Swift gives "sleek!"

Wanna get rid of your sagging butt and ever growing love handles? Great news… Taylor Swift has just the thing for you… Diet Coke in a new limited edition “Sleek Can.” It’s “Sleek” ‘cos the can is thinner, which obviously means that when you drink the battery acid inside it, you become thinner. I mean, that’s fucking logical, right? Even better, the can has Taylor Swift’s autograph on it, and if you look closely, she must have used a thin pen to sign it, ‘cos it’s very “Sleek.” So you definitely know all those pounds are going to melt away no matter how many pork scratchin’s and deep fried Snickers bars you eat. Can’t wait to see the Droga5 campaign for this!

Even as I sit here drinking Idaho Potato Vodka, Taylor is working on her next amazing Coke breakthrough!

It’s official… WPP unequivocally states it has fuck all to do with advertising!

Whilst on the subject of the Poisoned Dwarfs pie hole… He was in New York this week, attending Advertising Week (does this guy ever go in to the office?) and he actually said he didn’t want WPP to be mentioned in the same breath as advertising, rather, he wants his evil empire to be seen more as a data company.

These are his exact words… “I don’t like the word advertising; it suggests the legacy approach of media and art, not science. We want to be as aggressive in the science part of the business as we can possibly be. We’ve moved on from the days of Mad Men.” Yes, he actually said that within days of going on record in Drum and backing off from his original statement that made him sound like a fucktard. If I'm confused, I wonder what WPP's clients are thinking. 

Listen Your Gnomeship, make up your mind… Are you a Math Man, or a Mad Man, or is all this travel scrambling your brains? You certainly don’t want to end up like Kev “ I always wear black” Roberts, do you?

Methinks I have created a trap for myself!

Sorrell sublimates his sums!

Remember how a few weeks ago the Poisoned Dwarf opened his pie hole and said that Math Men were just as important to the ad biz as Mad Men. Pissed quite a few people off, including John Hegarty and me! Now, in a post on The Drum, he’s back pedaling like crazy and professing that creativity is just as important as Big Data, Datametrics and Binary Douchnozzlery. All a bit mealy mouthed, but possibly happening ‘cos even some of the hacks inside WPP are calling him to task. Maybe he should give speeches at conferences in exotic locations a rest for a while and stay home and do some fucking work.

I am working... I'm counting my money!

“satisfries” look like “satisbollocks” to me!

Didya see the new spot from Mother for BurgerKing “Satisfries?” You know, the chips (Brit for fries) that the spot explains through annoyingly big, ugly supers, are… "A delicious new choice with 40 percent less fat, 30 percent less calories and big taste. Cut from whole potatoes, fried to perfection, to satisfry our lives. The heroes. The lovers. The everyman. Firstly, what the fuck else would they be cut from… Turnips? Secondly, the beauty shots of the “satifries” look very pasty and “underfried” to me. Thirdly, who the fuck are the cretins eating them… Actors? Fourthly, one of those paper cups with about a dozen “satisfries” are going to cost 20-30 cents more than the old oily “shitfries.” Yeah, that's really going to work like gangbusters with the average BurgerKing minimum wage customer. AdScam forecasts that they’ll be as big a success as all those McDonalds salads. Oh... And, Mother… It’s a shitty ad!

Well, OK then!