AdScam/The Horror!

Yes… The lunatics are in charge!

In the category of “You can’t make this shit up,” news today from Stephen Foster at  moreaboutadvertising that Nick Brien is joining agency search consultant, Covario! Yes, the very same Nick Brien that as Global-CEO-Nozzle, single handedly nearly destroyed McCann, finally getting the boot at the end of last year. And now he will be bringing his unmatched expertise at fucking things up to help BDC’s select their new BDA. I mean that’s logical right, ‘cos it demonstrates what has happened to the ad biz. Russ Mann, CEO of Covario says: “Nick is a pioneer and a thought leader in the progression of the global advertising, media and marketing model to one that’s driven by data and analytics. At both Covario and Rio SEO – our software division – Nick’s insights and experience will be huge assets as we move ahead with our focus on delivering optimal results and ROI to our clients through smarter search and innovative content strategies.” Spoken like a true douchenozzle, Yes indeed Russ, you are a huge Wanker!

No Nick. It's not a toffee apple, it's my huge atomic dildo!

It’s Friday, and Kate’s been at it for 25 years!

The Wizened of Oz’s wanky newspaper, The Sun, is running a special feature to celebrate Kate Moss’s 25 years as a model… This will be the first and last time I will thank the Dirty Digger for anything. But, check it out, there’s a pile of pics, including a couple, even I don’t have. And, it’s fucking Friday. Thanks to AdScamer, John B. Dunleavy for pointing this out… Enjoy!

Here's to the next 25 years!

Fuck “Big Data,” let’s do “Big Research!”

Oh dear… Yet again, someone is claiming to have discovered the Holy Grail of scientific marketing… The ability to dig down in people’s psyche and discover the triggers that can be manipulated to make the consumer lust after your totally wanky product. This time it’s a group of ResearchNozzles at IBM’s Almaden Research Centre in California. According to the group’s leader, the problem is that firms are trying to understand customers by studying their “demographics” (age, sex, marital status, dwelling place, income and so on) and their existing buying habits. That approach, he believes, is flawed. What they really need is a way to discover the “deep psychological profiles” of their customers, including their personalities, values and needs. Hello, that’s exactly what Dr, Ernst Dichter claimed back in the Mad Men days… It’s all in my book, “The Ubiquitous Persuaders.” (Did you buy the fucking thing yet?) It was a crock of shit then, it’s a crock of shit now. That’s why BDA’s and BDC’s are still doing focus groups, in spite of the fact that over 70% of the shit that tests well in front of half a dozen cretins in a Boise supermarket sub-basement, fails in the market place… As I love to paraphrase William Goldman… Nobody in advertising knows fuck all about advertising… Yeah, I know that’s a double negative. But you get my drift.

We be deep psychological profiler shit!

Bieber Monkey saved from fate worse than death… Spending the rest of its furry life with droopy drawers!

In my never ending quest to report all the really important news… I bring you this update on Justin Bieber’s monkey, “Mally.” As you know, he was quarantined in Deutschland when the draggy pants Teen-Fucktard tried to smuggle him in prior to his series of Krout-Concerts. The German monkey kennel hung on to the little fucker (the monkey, not Bieber) for a couple of months; until they decided that Bieber had moved on to other animal pleasures. So “Mally” has now taken up permanent residence at a German wild life park. In the meantime, BieberNozzle owes a shitload of money for the care and protection of his temporary pet. All I can say is that “Mally” is the luckiest fucking monkey alive. 

If there is a God of monkeys... Thank you God of monkeys!

All about me and mine!

Important news up date… My latest excerpt from my last classic, “Confessions of a Mad Man” is now on Super Brit Ad Site “MoreAboutAdvertising.” This literary gem features cheap booze and expensive women. Including violet eyed, Swedish beauty, Camilla Sparv, who I had before Robert Redford… Don’t tell Kate. Staying with the incredible Parker family, son Chris, Art Director Extraordinaire and co-founder of new hot agency “InterPlanetary” has just come up with a nifty new video “First Contact” as a set-up piece when introducing the agency. Very “Twilight Zone-ish.” Wherever he is, floating around in the “Cosmoooos,” I’m sure Carl Sagan would heartily approve. 

Eventually, I moved on from Camilla!

I speaka da English… I winna da Gold!

Once again a BDA proves you don’t have to speak the language of the country you are operating in. Ogilvy & Mather, Bogota flaunts their brand new TV spot for Columbia’s, Escula de Cocina Carulla cooking school. Students have to demonstrate their slicing skills by cutting open a cook book to get to the recipes inside. Obviously, in order to qualify for the award shows, the voice over is English… But, when the book is cut open, the recipes are in fucking Spanish. This will merely serve to confuse the jury at Cannes. The AdTards in Columbia really need to talk to the AdNozzles in Brazil. They've had this shit down to a fine art for years!

Meantime, Facebook, Columbia wants to "Friend" you!

Apple-tards wet dreams about to come true!

For the iWorshippers out there, Nirvana is coming… Word from Tim “I’m channeling Steve” Cook is that the next big thing from the Cupertino behemoth will be Apple shit you can wear. Yes you will finally be able to walk around as an iPerson. Cook stated that the wrist is fertile ground, even though young people, for the most part, don't wear watches. "I think the wrist is interesting," he said. Could we be looking at the iWank? He went on to say… "We have some incredible plans that we have been working on for a while," he said. These ideas, he continued, are being created by "The same culture and largely the same people that brought you the iPhone, the iPad and even some who worked on the original iMac.” Mmmm, sorry Tim, the most important person who influenced all that shit is no longer around. He’s sitting on his iCloud making plans to come back and kick ass when you fuck up. 

Wow... The iWank... Un-fucking-believable!

Mad woman finally declares herself insane!

Michelle Bachman will not seek re-election in 2014. This has nothing to do with the ad biz – Unless she decides to take the helm at Draft/FCB – ‘Cos you have to be certifiably insane to want to do that. No, even this lady, who is crazier than a shithouse rat, is not that crazy. On the other hand, there are rumors that now he is unemployed, Laurence “See me in the corner gym” Boschetto, might run for her seat!

Eminently qualified to run Draft/FCB.

Livestrong is now Deadweak!

Phil Knight, CEO of Nike, who never saw an evil athlete he wasn’t prepared to sponsor, has finally pulled the plug on the last vestige of his multi-million deal with “Saint Cancer Survivor” Lance Armstrong. As of yesterday, Nike will no longer be shilling those ugly yellow “Livestrong” jerseys and shit that well meaning, but somewhat gullible people have been coughing up their hard earned dollars for over the years. From now on, Phil will have to rely on hotel maid raping basketball players, fornicating golfers, and dog fighting footballers to sell his uber priced, third country sweat shop produced sneakers. OK, fuck it. I’m done… Standing by for the hate mail!

Dead fucking right, Sean!!!

Der Fuhrer ist das Brewster!

Obviously, because today, Wednesday, is Hitler Day… Wait for it… Wait for it… Naked Kate is on Friday… I have received tons of eMails from ace AdScamers pointing out that JC Penney is currently running billboards promoting their “Hitler Homage” tea kettles… Ha… See what happens when you start a trend. No doubt my Hitler Klout score will go through the roof. Yes, it is fucking interesting… But, let me know when Kmart decides to stop shitting its big arse pants… And starts offering Kate, ermine covered toilet seats. Do not worry; I shall have the original artifacts available on AdScam… www.ubercheaporiginals.com. Am I a fucking prince, or what?

Now... That's a Fuhrer Tea Pot!!!