AdScam/The Horror!

Draft/FCB is looking for a Masochist!

Agency Spy, in its job listing section, has a doozy… Draft'/FCB Chicago is looking to hire a "Social Media Platform Manager." Obviously, no one in the thousands they have laid off was qualified for the position. As I said in a comment on Agency Spy…. The job of the "Social Media Platform Manager" is to make sure the people laid off have plenty of boxes for their shit. That they haven't stolen stationary supplies, and that they haven't written graffiti all over the place about management being a bunch of fucktards. Then, when they've done all that to Larry's satisfaction... They get to spend some time in the corner gym before being fucking laid-off! If you really want an excuse to start boozing early, read the full job description. The best bit is at the end… About our company… Launched in mid-2006, Draft/FCB is a new breed of agency the first global, behavior-based, holistic marketing communications organization operating against a single P&L, one which places an equal emphasis on creativity and accountability. It’s enough to make you fucking weep!

And they give you a hat on the way out!

tim cook channeling steve jobs?

Appearing at a question & answer session at the “All things digital” conference in California, Tim Cook answered absolutely no fucking questions whilst waving his arms around, foaming at the mouth, and promising that Apple is preparing to release some “incredible” new products… Wot, no “Insanely Incredible” new products? He did however, assure the panting audience of AppleTards that “The juices are flowing!” He also promised to try and cut down a bit on the use of Chinese slave labor to produce the iToys, whilst still flogging them in the Apple Store at “insanely cheap” prices. He did kinda answer one question though… When asked about the future of the Apple TV box, he answered, “We are going to keep pulling the string and see where it takes us!” Yes indeed! Up on his iCloud, Steve must be chuckling at that one!

So begineth the First Lesson of Jobs!

  

proof ad agencies are run by fucktards!

Yesterday’s news that incumbent Butler, Shine, Stern & Partners has held on to the Mini Cooper account is a perfect demonstration of how fucked up the business has become. Firstly, a ton of agencies declined to pitch, ‘cos everyone knew the incumbents were a lock to retain it… After all sales were going through the roof, and the people at Mini loved both the agency and the work. Even so, they called a review… Hired a scum sucking fucking search consultant, sat through presentations from BBH, Via Agency and Fitzgerald… Then rehired Butler, Shine!!! They claimed they had to go through this fucking circus ‘cos it was parent company, BMW’s corporate policy. I would have told the Krauts to fuck off… Still, I suppose they can claim they were only following orders. The agencies that pitched against Butler, Shine have no fucking excuse. They are retards and should apply to go on “The Pitch” next year. Oh, that’s right… There is no next year for that piece of shit!

If you didn't learn it here... It isn't worth knowing!

hitler does his thing for adscam!

Lots of you have emailed me about AdScam being non-functional for a while this morning. I immediately got in touch with TypePad via their “help line” and hours later, I am still waiting for a fucking reply… Dontycha just love technology? I am convinced that Draft/FCB/Poisoned Dwarf/Zuckernozzle are behind this. But they can’t scare me… I have fucking Hitler on my side! Within thirty minutes of my last post, featuring Der Fuhrer demanding that they “Get that ass back up,” AdScam was indeed, back up. Which is one of the advantages of living in the Fourth Reich… You might not be able to get “Five Wives Vodka.” But you’ll never run out of “Hitler Gin.” It’s powerful shit!

AdScamers demand TypePad's head!

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Do not fuck with the Fourth Reich!

introducing AdScam’s Haute Cuisine column!

AdScamer, Brian “The Professor” Kolstad, because he knows I am a fanatic for the culinary arts, points me in the direction of a breakthrough in beverages (No, not the Five Wives Vodka in the last post,) although Brian is a devotee of that particular tipple. Moving on… Did you know that the home of world famous fine dining, Taco Bell, is now selling an orange juice and Mountain Dew cocktail to wash down your Doritos Locos Tacos. I mean c’mon, if you really want to impress one of your five wives before creating more members of the congregation… treat her to Doritos Locos Tacos washed down by an OJ/MD cocktail that contains something like ten tons of sugar… But not a drop of fucking alcohol! So, what’s the point of that?

Mein Gott... What are these Dorito Locos Fucking Tacos? Send the chef to the Russian front!!!

Idaho refuses to upset alcoholic mormons!

My mate, super CD, Jack Fund, pointed me in the direction of a piece in AdAge about Five Wives Vodka, which has been banned in Idaho. Apparently, this has nothing to do with the fact that the five ladies on the label are holding pussy cats over their “unmentionables,” whilst flashing their underwear.

No, it would seem the state liquor board thinks the inference to multiple wives would be offensive to all the Mormons living in Idaho. Which, when you consider that Mormons don’t fucking drink, doesn’t make a lot of sense. A state SpokesNozzle said something about just ‘cos Mormons don’t drink, doesn’t mean they can’t be offended. Fuck me, next thing you know they’ll be banning Hitler Gin in the Fourth Reich… Gott im Himmel! 

Do not fuck with my gin!

Facebook... ooogah… ooogah… ooogah!

I know a couple of posts ago, I promised to stop kicking the shit out of Facebook… OK, I lied… Especially with the news fifteen minutes ago that it finished the day another TEN FUCKING PERCENT DOWN. Which means ZuckerNozzle dropped another couple of billion on the day. Remember all that bullshit about we don't do no big arsed ads on Facebook’s home page… Just you wait and see.

Kapitain ZuckerNozzle, I've flooded the home page forward tubes and we're still sinking!

fuck Burberry… Kate… kate… kate!

As all loyal AdScamers know…Because this is the Uber-Ad-Site of all fucking time, I get bombarded by PR releases from all kinds of fucktards that think I have nothing better to do than pimp their products… And, they don’t even have the brains to offer me any fucking money, the tossers. Don’t they realize, I am an AdHo… I can be bought. That’s what being in advertising is all about. So, today, I get one from Burberry talking about their new campaign featuring some cookie cutter female model, and a pasty stubble cheeked wanker wearing the men's gear. Totally expected, totally fucking boring… And, never forget, these are the wankers that dropped Kate “Al’wite Darlin” Moss as their scrumptious spokesdolly, just cos the Daily Mirror ran a picture of her shoving half a pound of Peruvian Marching Powder up her delicious conk… What the fuck is wrong with these people? A bit of recreational bliss never killed anyone… OK, maybe a few wankers that did it through a McDonald’s straw. Serves ‘em right for not having a $100 note. Anyway, they’ve definitely lost the “Chav” audience. Not to mention AdScam!

Hey Burberry... Shove this up your nose!

more facebook fuckiboola!

Interesting piece on BusinessInsider explaining the real reasons why “The house that Joel built” pulled all the GM ads from Facebook… Which is collapsing below the $30 share price even as I write. Apparently, Joel wanted to put billboard size ads all over the fucking site. The article has a picture of VP/global marketing solutions, Carolyn Everson, flashing her knickers for the paparazzi whilst explaining that ZuckerNozzle doesn’t see home page takeovers in Facebook’s future. And why the fuck not… His Swiss bank has expanded its vault space to take care of his billions. I’m sorry to keep beating the shit out of this pathetic subject… But Facebook is starting to look remarkably like the “MySpace of the Future.” Maybe the “Wizened of Oz” could be persuaded to buy it!

OK. Enough of the kickers. Where's the hoodie?