AdScam/The Horror!

the coupons hit the fan at groupon!

You have to laugh at the news released on Friday, after the close of the stock market, (Why always on Friday, after the close… Yeah, I know… Dumb fucking question) that Groupon has suffered yet another accounting fuck up, forcing it to restate its fourth-quarter and 2011 fiscal year financial results. Hello, is this shit ringing any bells? Groupon's revised results showed a $14.3 million decrease in fourth-quarter revenue and a 4-cent reduction in earnings per share. The company acknowledged "a material weakness in its internal controls" (Ya think?) and said it underestimated the amount of money it needed to set aside for customer refunds. Refunds, refunds… Like for people who think they have been scammed. Is this company fucked, or what. Anybody who bought stock in this festering pile of shit needs their head examined. First quarter earnings will be announced in May… I guarantee the numbers will suck… And, as you know, I am never fucking wrong!

25% off with Groupon!!!

Huffpo fucks bloggers… So, who doesn’t?

You have to take your fucking hat off to Arianna Huffington… Daaaaalllling! She used to be a fascist who was slightly to the right of Genghis Khan, married to a California wanker that spent millions in a failed attempt to get elected (Is there something in the Bay Area water that makes rich fuckers, like Carly and Meg, burn millions to do this?) Now she’s as far to the left as you can go in American politics… Which is just slightly to the left of Genghis Khan. Anyway, she’s now a fucking zillionaire in her own right after selling HuffPo to AOL.And just to prove that this lady obviously shits pearls, news yesterday that Jonathan Tasini and his 9,000 fellow aggrieved Huffington Post bloggers will not get one penny from the $315 million AOL paid to buy the Huffington Post last year, because a U.S. District Judge has dismissed the case. Obviously, a key element of US Judicial thinking is… Screw the workers, we are here for the obscenely rich owners. You just know “ObamaCare” is fucked. Now, eat your broccoli and shut the fuck up.  

Mr. Tasini needs to talk to this guy!

the wrath of jobs!

Whilst on the subject of Apple (see my last post – do I have to tell you everything?) According to anonymous employee posts on the employer reviews website Glassdoor, Tim Cook, who took over from GodJobs when he departed to iHeaven, has the highest approval rating of any CEO in tech -- indeed, any CEO in the U.S. -- a fucking humungous 97%. Which may be only a small step above Jobs, who garnered 95% approval during his final year in the CEO role. But it is TWO FUCKING PERCENT higher than Steve ever got. Maybe it’s ‘cos even though Steve was a genius, he could be a bastard to work for. I’ve seen him reduce grown men to tears, and I once witnessed him smashing umpteen plates on the floor of, nerd heaven, Il Farnaio in Palo Alto, ‘cos his kid dropped food off the table! Still, two percent is two percent. GodJobs will fix this from his iCloud. If I were Tim, I’d watch out for lightning bolts and shit!

Tim is toast!

don’t Think Different–think original!

There’s a piece in AdAge about a recent session at the 4 A’s “WankFest,” featuring Lee Clow and Steve Hayden reminiscing about the making of 1984. Most of the stories are a well known part of advertising history, but there was one I hadn’t heard before. “That Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak -- who was still around at the time -- wanted it to air so badly that he offered to write a personal check paying for half and hoping that Jobs would pay for the rest.” Obviously GodJobs, who was notoriously tight fisted (He never paid a fucking penny in child support for his daughter, Lisa,) didn’t match the offer. But Clow also made a good point, saying… "Steve Jobs was passionate about all the traditional media that people think are being eclipsed by social media." Maybe all the young wankers in the business right now should stop trying to “Think Different.” And as I said in my last post, start thinking about exactly what the fuck it is they should be thinking about!

The last of the good guys!

listen up… Listen up!

Paul Simons, a fellow Brit, of my generation, who I worked with briefly back in the UK, before I came back to the US in the eighties, and he went on to found Simons Palmer etc, etc. One of the really hot agencies of the era… Has a very interesting blog, well worth a read. Anyway, he has an interesting post about the current demise of planning, and how all everyone seems to fucking care about right now is execution… Here’s a nice bit… “These days I find myself sitting in meetings with clients and agencies where the basic foundations of a strategy are simply not there. I hear a lot about social media, search, click through and so on but the question I always end up asking is ‘what are you trying to do and why?’ Usually a few moments of silence and then random answers not related to the question.” Sound familiar? Perhaps we should Tweet it for suitable answers… 140 characters or less please.

She thinks Twitter is a giant wank! 

Ex-cp+b’ers start organized crime operation!

In my attempt to become as wanky as “Creativity,” here’s more news on CP+B, or in this case three ex-CP+B’ers who have decided to up stumps and start their own shop. This will be known as MADE, a bastardization of “Made in America.” Wow, that’s creativity up to Boulder’s highest standards. Apparently they will only accept accounts that are 100% American. Which is funny when you consider the three wankers have spent their careers at CP+B working on such international accounts as Coca-Cola, Volkswagen, Burger King, Mini Cooper, Molson and Ikea. (most of which, in common with many CP+B clients, are no longer with the shop.) Anyway the MADE founders -- who claim to have venture capital backing from undisclosed sources – are refusing to tell where the money is coming from. In an AdScam exclusive, I can reveal that “deep throats” tell me, even though the money is coming from Sicily, it has US connections through a trash hauling company with offices in “East Hoboken.” The fact that the three principals are now “Made Men” should be considered by possible clients, particularly when it comes time to negotiate fees and commissions. (Known in the ad biz as “The Vig.”) After all… No one wants to sleep with the fishes! 

He asked for a full 15%!

cp+b does it again for best buy… abysmal sales, layoffs and store closures!

CP+B continued its amazing run of producing advertising for clients that all the fucktards in the ad biz consider revolutionary, whilst the sales of their unfortunate clients continue to go down the crapper. “News today that BestBuy reported weaker-than-expected sales for the key holiday quarter, prompting the world's largest electronics chain to close 50 U.S. stores and cut 400 jobs in corporate and support areas.” This was after Best Buy ramped up the ad budget by several gazillion dollars during that exact same holiday quarter. When you consider the dismal job the Frat/Fart kiddies have done in the past for such clients as Nike, Miller and Burger King, you have to wonder what the fuck is going on. Obviously, the fact that the pathetic ad trades (particularly AdAge’s “Creativity”) have their tongue so far up the Boulder Boys arse they can smell the Subservient Chickens, might have something to do with it. 

Meantime, in a shed up North, 3 millionaires...

twitter panic!

As all AdScamers know, I think Twitter is a giant wank. Yes, I use it, but just to pimp books, ‘cos I’m an AdHo… But posting shit about shit is a waste of time. I do enough posting here on AdScam, and I need more than 140 characters to create the gems of erudition you have come to expect. Anyway, Gawker is telling us that you may be falling victim to the “Twitter UnfollowBug.” Here’s how it is being explained by the Twitter help center…

Bug alert:
A person you've recently followed shows in your following tab, but appears with a follow icon so it looks like you're not following them, as shown in the image below. Visit their profile if you'd like to confirm you're following them.
Engineers are working to resolve the issues listed above. Thanks for your patience!

Wait one fucking minute, that looks suspiciously like way more than 140 characters to me. Which means it won’t fit inside a tweet. Which also means that if I am a TweetTard, I am conditioned to stop reading after I reach 140 characters. So, basically, once again, I am fucked!

Twitter "Ninja Engineers" are resolving issues!

Fox sports network… Bringing you naked chick cage fights to the death!

In his never ceasing attempt to take over every form of media in the known universe, the Wizened of Oz, is now "taking steps" to launch a U.S.-based sports network that would aim to compete with ESPN, according to a report from Bloomberg. This new network would go head to head, not just with ESPN, but also Comcast, NBC and CBS, fighting for the rights to major sports events… Which will cost a fucking fortune. Still, the old fucker has huge war chest available, which he intends to take with him when he finally, finally checks out. Wendi doesn’t know this, otherwise she would have stopped putting the horse tranquilizers in her bedtime “cream pies.” Right now, Fox has a piece of shit by the name of Fuel Action-Sports Network. That’s the one that carries fights featuring really ugly guys beating the shit out of each other in a cage. I’m waiting for the NASCAR Cage Fight Network. With Danica Patrick going at it with Wendi Deng. Loverrrllly!

What channel is that shit on?

Introducing the IBDABDHCBDCGPCJ of the future!

Couple of further points on the birth of “Commonwealth,” the next agency of the future. JoelNozzle claims that by doing this they can reduce the number of GM agencies from more than seventy to one (which is actually two, and one of those has seventy fucking billion offices spread around the globe.) This reminds me of Enfatico’s claim that it was replacing 800 agencies, which was obviously bullshit, unless you included the guy who buys Yellow Pages in Timbuktu. Even worse though was the claim in yesterday’s news that this will save GM $2 billion in the next five years… How??? Could someone spell this out, please… Like you don’t have to buy as many stamps, typewriter ribbons and toilet rolls, or something. This is quite obviously a number simply pulled out of thin air… And did you notice… Not one of the trades reporting this fiasco asked the questions that AdScam is asking now. Not surprising when you consider they’re all run by fucktards, whilst AdScam is run by a fucking Prince. Meantime, methinksdifferent asks a very important question… So what do we call this? An International BDA – BDHC – BDC grand plan and circle jerk? Personally, from now on, on AdScam, Commonwealth will be referred to as an IBDABDHCBDCGPCJ!

Joel... Joel... Lesson number one... Never fuck with Queenie. She owns the fucking Commonwealth!