AdScam/The Horror!

social media guru-niozzles, read on!

I am stunned… Ney, fucking gob-smacked, at the news that less than 1% of fans of the 200 biggest brands on Facebook are actually engaged with them. In other words 99% of the money aimed at “Friends” of hemorrhoid suppositories, and zit removers is wasted. And don’t give me all that “conversations” shit either. In the AdAge article it says that even the so-called passion brands -- including Nike, Old Spice, Harley-Davidson, Porsche, Ford/Mustang, Jack Daniels and Tiffany. (Are you paying attention Newt?) The researchers found an average engagement of 0.66% The average engagement for the 10 brands with the largest fan bases was 0.36%. Fuck me, that’s worse than banner ads. Read the comments on the piece. As many point out, activity really has fuck all to do with engagement. And for the icing on the cake, read this report from the UK… A just out media survey has revealed figures which cast doubt on social media’s ability to generate sales for brands. Yes indeed… I am fucking gob-smacked.

Mein Fuhrer owed his success and the love of his many followers to social media!

 

 

virgins in space!

Once again in my never ceasing quest to bring AdScamers the news that really counts… This just in… Virgin Galactic is partnering with Playboy to create the world’s highest knocking shop. Fuck joining the “mile high club,” now you can join the “thousand mile high club.” Reports say… “Enlisting the help of futurists as well as rocket scientists from the civilian space company of Richard Branson, Playboy has envisioned what it calls a "celestial mecca" for pleasure-seekers.” First of all, a word of caution here. In common with fellow Knight-Nozzle, Ben Kingsley, Branson always insists on being addressed as SIR Richard Branson, probably even when he’s having his Knightly ways with a Space Bunny. Ooooh Sir Richard, you were truly a mighty steed. Or something like that! Anyway, moving on… Apart from organic food sheets, drink globules and 3D gambling, there will be… "Personal quarters will serve as the first zero-gravity sex suites," Playboy said, naming the rooms "pleasure orbital domes or PODs". Beam me up for some space nookie!

Capn', the Dylithium crystals in the POD are overheating!

Before digital shit happened!

Last night I watched “Bullitt” for the umpteenth time. A great movie, not just for the classic car chase (Bullitt's car is a 1968 Ford Mustang 390 GT 2+2 Fastback) which was the first of the great ones, and didn’t rely on tons of CGI and fake shit going on. No, the most impressive thing about this classic movie is that it was low and slow… Peter Yates didn’t fuck it up with loud music, and he let the actors develop character through subtle moves and facial expression, not kicking the shit out of each other. And yeah, Steve McQueen was the king of fucking cool. Even the end couple of minutes when he comes back to his apartment, peeps in on a sleeping Jacqueline Bisset, splashes water on his face in the bathroom, and the final shot is a close-up of his gun in its holster on the arm of the chair. All in complete silence. Oh, and in reference to my post about mobile phones that do everything but wash the dishes, all the phones in Bullitt have rotary dials and when they need to make a call outside, they have to find and use a street kiosk. Also, the Fax machine they use to get the bad guys info from Chicago was one of those spinning disk jobs that took ten minutes to make a print. None of that iShit in those days!

And don't miss him in "The Blob!"

More on the Peking Ponzi!

In case my last post leaves you desperate for details on how to con the Chinese into lending you a fistful of Yuen. Here’s the Web site that explains it all.

Just part of AdScam's unmatched service!

got a yearning for yuan?

News on psfk that you can now lend or borrow money online from people in China, raises the question… Won’t we be dealing with people who already own 110% of America’s money anyway. Plus, if you do borrow from China, is there some clause in the contract that says you have to spend it in Wal-Mart on Chinese plastic shit that falls apart in a week. Oh, wait a minute, I get it… Then you have to borrow even more Yuan to replace all the broken shit. Fuck, that’s fiendish. No wonder they called Fu Manchu the Yellow Peril. Where the hell is Nayland Smith when you need him?

I'm here for the "Vig!"

I’ll have none of that sexism shit on AdScam!

I have to confess, I do not see what gets NASCAR fans so worked up. Monster cars going round an oval track 500 times has to be really fucking boring… ‘Till the crashes, explosions and fires happen. Then the “race” is halted for a few hours while they clear the bodies and wrecks, then it starts all over again. Word was that Danica Patrick was going to change everything by winning yesterday’s Daytona 500. Unfortunately, she crashed three cars and finished 38th. Best bit was when a reporter asked her if she still hears sexist remarks in the garage. She went apeshit and gave the poor fucker a big bollocking on how he shouldn't describe female athletes in a sexual way. Yeah, this from a lady who is sponsored by rancid Go-Daddy and appears in TV spots that makes Paris Hilton’s Carl’s Jr, car washing efforts look like Sesame Street. Danica, Danica, why be such a fucking hypocrite? Don’t bite Bob Parsons slimy hand… It’s the one that feeds you!

You won't find filth like this on AdScam's garage wall!

bigger is not better!

AdScamers know that when it comes to cell phones, I am a fucking Luddite. I don’t want to use mine for texting, friending, tweeting, bar code reading and playing fucking games on. I just want it to make phone calls with. Yes, I want it to work whether I’m in Boise, New York, Botswana or Venus, but I only want it to work as a TELEPHONE to make telephone calls on. So when I read on psfk that Samsung has announced it will be launching a new phone called the Galaxy Beam that will project photos and videos to any flat services. The bulb will shine to 15-lumens and Samsung says that it can even work outdoors. I thought can you imagine how douchenozzles using this device could drive you to insanity. Now they will insist on showing you their pets, babies, ugly partners and out of focus vacation pictures projected six foot tall on the nearest wall. The world’s dumbest idea… Although, when it comes to porn!!!

It's a mere 12 inches thick and only weighs 10 pounds!

man with chia head talks shit!

As a follow on from my last post, words of unremitting bullshit from Chia Chen (and I didn’t make that name up!) who heads up mobile-nozzelry for Digitas. This geezer claims that the PC is dead… Yawn, fucking yawn… And that from now on everyone in the universe will be accessing infantile stuff they don’t need on their mobiles whilst walking into lamp posts and getting run over in cross walks. Two years ago, he says that clients knew that mobile was the future… Yawn, fucking yawn… He also states that Digitas is creating the mobile paradise of the future by knocking down walls and blowing up silos… OK, so I made that last bit up… But I'll make you a "Mitt $10K" bet he will say that in the future… Yawn, fucking yawn!

Fuck... It's Ty Montague. I thought he was curating!

Yanks twice as dumb as Brits?

This just in from the land of jellied eels… More than a quarter of British social media users say they would knock it on the head if they were subjected to too much advertising. According to a study from the Institute of Social Media Data Nozzellry, (I just made the name up… Not the study) which looked at 2,054 UK adults and 2,105 US adults, 66% of consumers already claim they feel subjected to way too fucking much digital advertising and promotions. Well, whoda thunk that? With mobile, it was found that 11% of Brits and 15% of Americans who have surfed the internet on their mobiles have ever clicked on a banner ad, and only one in every 100 Brits who surf on their mobiles and 1 in 50 Americans click on banner ads frequently. Does this mean that Yanks are twice as fucktardly when it comes to wasting their lives responding to shit? Standing by for hate mail!

Dude... I just clicked on this banner ad from Nigeria... And now I'm a fucking millionaire!

 

Schmidt happens... when you google divorce!

Just last week I posted how poor old Eric Schmidt was down to his last few billions and was being forced to unload $1.45 billion in Google stock? Well, now we know why… A report just out suggests that he needs the bundles of “readies” to pay off his wife for a divorce. “He is towards a transition and an amicable separation and settlement with his wife," a source told the New York Post. "They are both very private, so they're quietly dividing up assets without drawing attention. There's been no paperwork filed." Ha. How the fuck can you not draw attention when you are divvying up several billion? It would appear that Eric has been spending a lot of time in New York with Council on Foreign Relations exec Lisa Shields, for whom he just bought a Dutch Warmblood show-jumping horse. Shit, he could have bought her all of fucking Holland with his dosh. Incidentally, when the split goes through, this will break the existing record for the most expensive divorce ever… Guess who holds the record… That’s right… The Wizened of Oz. 

First your hair drops out... Then your dick drops off!