AdScam/The Horror!

the softer side now sucks!

Did you see that Sears is going to close a couple of hundred stores after they didn’t get crowds smashing down doors and pepper spraying each other this holiday shopping season? Not surprising really, I mean when was the last time you popped in a Sears to buy anything other than a $10,000 lathe? And you don’t even get to ogle the high quality, spectacularly dressed shopper that you do in Wal-Mart! So, does this represent an opportunity, or a fucking disaster for “Agency of the Past/Future” McGarryBowen? They only picked up the $360 million account six months ago from long time incumbent Y&R, where the Loverrrlly Helayne Spivak created “The Softer Side of Sears,” which then got fucked up after she left the “Boys Club.” Anyway, my forecast is that the $360 million budget, will be radically downsized, and McGarryBowen will be forced to produce mediocre, middle of the road work. Oh, wait one fucking minute, that’s what they do for all their clients!

Oh, and they’re also going to dynamite all the Kmart stores and turn them into parking lots… The incumbent agency is… Yes… Draft/FCB. Yet another nail in the coffin lid. 

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

Where would you like the nail, Mr. Boschetto?

 

 

 

why is the sky what?

Yes, I own up, I am a Luddite when it comes to SocialWanking and all the other fucktardly goings on currently bemusing everyone interested in creating the “Nozzle of the Future.” However, even I, yes, even moi, was astonished to read in yesterday’s NYT… Much the way powerful mobile devices store your biometric information and translate your language, personalized information filters and search engines will bring you only the information you want. “This will invert the premise of marketing,” Mr. Meyerson said. The phones “will start to be your advocate, recognizing what is near and dear to you and getting it. Instead of companies speaking to you, you will reach out to companies.” Which raises the question… If people are only exposed to what they feel comfortable with, how the fuck will they ever be persuaded to change their “set in concrete” views of the world as they would wish it to be? Yeah, I know, that's a dumb fucking question. But someone has to ask it!

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

You have to admit, this guy had his shit together!!!

 

Vote for “Miss Van Der Volt!”

It’s official… Chevy’s search for a new agency is over. BDA’s and DDHC “Team-Wankers” need no longer apply. Joel Ewanick, GM’s Global Chief Marketing Nozzle, has selected Chevy’s “Agency of the Future,” and it is you! Yes, the fucker has decided the answer to Chevy’s advertising future is… Are you ready for this? CROWDSOURCING! Yeah baby, lots and lots of super ideas just in time for the Super Bowl… And best of all, they are way fucking cheap. And guess who is “Curating” this brilliant venture? None other than “Microsoft Advertising!” Yeah, Microsoft has an ad agency, who the fuck would have guessed that. And just to show Joel we think this is a super great fucking idea, I want every AdScamer to go to the site and vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.” ‘Cos this is a fucking classic. Why, Oh why, can’t Goodby come up with gems like this? It has to run on the Super Bowl. You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.” For Joel’s sake!

Jeff... Eat your heart out... Shit, this amazing chick is almost as fucking hot as Kate!!!

facebook will soon be “sponsoring” your arse!

Just to make you feel good and creepy for the upcoming New Year… Be warned that Facebook will begin adding photos of its fucktard FanWankers to third-party ads appearing in users' news feeds. So, if you're the sort who's a wizard with your gnarly thumbs, there's no way out of being featured alongside a tube of Preparation H, or an Atomic Powered Dildo, on ZuckerNozzle’s private mint. FaceBook is setting its "Sponsored Stories" feature as default for its 800 gazillion douchenozzle users. Yeah, I know I keep saying it, but this whole thing is beginning to smell very “MySpace-Ish” in the way it treats its users. It’ll take a while, but one day, it will all be over and the cretins can go back to “SecondLife.” And, as you know… I am never fucking wrong!

Mr Zuckernozzle sent me!

hung over?

Any AdScamers out there who over indulged yesterday, will no doubt be dragging their sorry arse around for the rest of the day, unless they have the brains to to apply the “It never fails British cure!” That would be a bacon “sarnie.” (Brit-Chat for sandwich, which was a British invention by the Earl of that name.) However, for the cure to work, wimpy American bacon that crumbles to bits once you touch it, is no fucking good and is strictly for wankers who eat at IHOP. No, the bacon needs to be thick and very fatty, so that when you fry it, you can dip your bread in it ‘till it’s soaked, then when you eat it, the grease runs down your chin and all over your shirt. Loverrrlly! To help you out, I have curated, ideated & synergized a high-tech solution to morning bacon cravings. The "Oink-Master." I shall announce my pricing structure shortly. Only good stuff is to be found on AdScam, no fucking tee shirts and coffee mugs here.

The "Oink-Master ll" will have a Boddington's spout!

 

‘tis the day to get well and truly fucked up!

OK… So, it’s fucking Christmas. All the Air Jordan’s are sold out. They have duct taped the doors back on the MallNozzles. We are sat here waiting for the grub, hopefully having started on the booze… And if not, why not… Are you some kind of “Girly-Man?” Draft/FCB is still without a New York CD. Michael Roth’s $5 million Christmas hamper has arrived from Barneys. The Wizened of Oz is enjoying the Christmas cream pie Wendy saved before going off to replenish her horse tranquilizers. The Poisoned Dwarf is figuring out how best to disguise his $96 million TBE (Thick Brown Envelope) as a “performance bonus.” BDA’s will continue to get dumber. BDC’s will continue to get smarter, and BDHC’s will continue to think they can continue to operate like fucking insurance companies, or uber-pimps. At the end of the day, advertising as we used to know it, and love it, will have transmogrified into a vast wasteland of putrefaction. Apart from that… Have a great Holiday. Get fucked up. Enjoy yourself. Burn what little money you have left. It will buy even less next year. In the meantime… Greetings from the entire AdScam staff…

The President...

The Chairman...

The Office Manager...

The end of civilization as we know it!

I’m sure by now you’ve read about, and seen the videos, of the fucktards rioting to get their scummy hands on Nike’s new Air Jordan basketball shoes — a retro model of one of the most popular Air Jordan’s ever made. They trampled on each other and ripped the doors off the stores in their need to get their hands on the objects of their desire… For a mere $180 a pair! One cretin punched a policeman, and in the words of the copper… “He did not get his shoes; he went to jail.” In Georgia, cops had to break a car window to get two toddlers out after a woman went in after the shoes. They said she was taken into custody when she returned to the car. What a fucking douchenozzle. In this video, when interviewed a woman says… "It's worth getting trampled over just to get my nieces and nephews what they need." Yes, without their $180 Air Jordan’s (Made in Vietnam for a couple of dollars) the poor little fuckers will have a Dickensian Christmas. But, at the end of the day, it’s fucktards like us in the ad biz, that are responsible for all this shit. Well, and Phil Knight, and Michael Jordon. Not me. Never worked on Nike. Worked on Umbro & Watneys back in “Blighty.” I must admit, I probably created a shitload of “Football Hooligans” and “Lager Louts.” Well, someone has to do it! 

Loverrrlly Darlin’.

No… I am not joining draft/fcb!

Contrary to all the rumors flying around town… No, I shall not be joining Draft/FCB, New York, as their new Creative Director. The current holder of the position, Darren Moran, had a short, and somewhat unmemorable fourteen months at the helm of the “Agency of the Past,” and has decided to move on to something else, or as he is reputed to have said… “I will fucking move on to anything else to get out of this shithole!” Obersturmbannfuhrer Boschetto is currently holding interviews in the “Corner Gym!” Candidates for the job will be expected to demonstrate their ability to “Rumble” creatively all night long. They will also be expected to synergistically ideate the curation of the creative principles of “Emeritus Global CD Idgy!” And even though he keeps sending me cases of “Effen – Fuckin – Effen” from NoBu, the whereabouts of Howard at the moment are a complete fucking mystery. 

OK... He's fucking perfect!

the bestbuy–CP+B trainwreck is now approaching platform one!

It seems like it was only a couple of days ago that I was kicking the shit out of CPB’s pathetic Christmas ad for BestBuy. Oh, wait a minute, it was only a couple of days ago. Anyway, the spot was all about some douchenozzle lady who goes on line to order a laptop, gets a great deal, then chugs over to BestBuy to pick it up… So proving she can out-bitch Santa. It would now seem that BestBuy is living up to it’s richly deserved record of being one of the shitiest retailers around. Read this story about some guy who waited fucking weeks for his “bargain” laptop from BestBuy that he ordered on November 18th, only to receive on Dec. 21 - four days before Christmas - an email admitting they did not have his computer and would not get anymore. So, the fuckers cancelled his order and his plan for a major gift. Shitty client… Shitty agency… A perfect match. You fuckers should be careful, the SEAL dog is on his way. 

Fucking Geronimo!!!

Things to do on a Friday whilst ogling Kate!

So, ‘cos I’m a fucking masochist, I’ve agreed to become a regular contributor to the Advertising Section of BusinessInsider.com. My first piece was posted late yesterday. I make my well known feelings on BDA’s and BDHC’s well known, but come up with what I consider to be a sensible solution. Read the fucking thing. Make a comment, do a fucking friend, like, tweet, or some other dumb arsed social thing to let them know that I have millions of fucking fans out there with nothing better to do than read my pearls of wisdom. Well, it’s fucking true, right? Oh, I’m not allowed to fucking swear on it. And as is common with all forms of fucking journalism these days, I don’t get paid. Further proof that I am a fucking prince.

Every Friday, I ogle George!