AdScam/The Horror!

big stars in small TV spots!

Anyone will do anything for enough fucking money. Just watch Clive Owen “starring” in a Spanish Burger King commercial. Then, if you are truly a masochist, watch the “Making of the Spanish Burger King commercial.” They must have paid him fucking dumpster loads of money to make this embarrassing piece of shit. Still, anyone remember the Sylvester Stallone classic for Ito Ham? Fucking great! But hey… Wanna use a movie star in a TV spot… Check THIS fucker out!!! 

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

Do you have any fucking idea how much money they paid me too look like a dick?

this is your brain on burgers!

This just in… Supersizing – Big Mac’ing – Flame Broiling – Double Cheeseburging, and every other variation of fast food, fucks up your brain. It’s official, A report in “Neurology” says that junk food shrinks your brain (and probably your “willie”) And washing it down with a Diet Coke won’t help you. Burger King’s King is a fucking assassin. The frat/fart boys at CP+B, who are still peddling Dominos cardboard & ketchup pizzas, are on a mission to give you dementia. Alex worked this out while stuffing the old Swiss bank account. That’s why he retired to “The Shed” with the Dalai Llama to save the world with with basketball hoops made out of old street signs. The guy is a saint, the rest of you are marked down for Alzheimer’s. How many times do I have to fucking tell you… Alcohol expands everything, brains, intellects, willies. And, as you all know, I am never fucking wrong.

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

He's right... I know!!!

new social-nozzling data proves we are undoubtedly becoming a nation of cretins!

This just out from Frugal Dad via MediaBistro… A listing of the things that trended highest on Twitter, received the most Likes on Facebook and triggered the largest volume searches on Google in a news year that included such events as the raid on Osama Bin Laden, the Japanese earthquake/tsunami and the US debt crisis. Yeah, you guessed it… Here’s what social media fucktards were OD’ing on as they wore their knobbly little fingers to stubs on their fucking iToys.

On Twitter: The most important event of the year… Beyonce has a bun in the oven. The most important person of the year… Justin Bieber.

On FaceBook: The most important person of the year… Charlie Sheen.

On Google Search: The most important person… Rebecca Black. (Who the fuck is that? –Yeah, fucking joke.)

So, listen to Dr. AdScam Guru when he tells you how important it is to have a synergistically, holistic, social media strategy to fully ideate your marketing touch points. Fuck yeah!!!

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

Mmmm... What's not to love about Dr. AdScam Guru?

 

Boise “fucking” idaho… Sex capitol of the USA!

Did you hear about the Hurd The Turd letter that has just come to light? Even though the wanker has fought for months to keep it out of the gnarly public view, what we all guessed, is now official… Former Hewlett-Packard Co. Chief Executive Officer Mark Hurd tried to persuade Jodie Fisher to have sex and kissed and touched her inappropriately while she was a company events contractor, according to a much-contested letter that was ordered to be released by a court. Apart from trying to knob the poor girl, he also drove her fucking nuts with his claims of mistresses in New York and San Francisco and that many women were “crazy about” him, including singer Sheryl Crow. What a fucktard!!! And get this… At a final meeting in Boise, Idaho, in October 2009, Hurd “grabbed and kissed” Fisher. The meetings made her nervous and worried about her employment status. Well Duh! Anyway, how dare the douchenozzle sully the name of my fair town. I shall have to talk to the local militia about this. Hurd The Turd is Toast!

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

We do not tolerate perverts in Boise!

 

adscammer uber-kudos!

AdScammers are the best ad blog readers in the world, not to mention being fucking Princes, one and all. Apart from having the good taste to appreciate my sober scribbling's, and even the not so sober scribbling's, they invariably make shit hot comments. Yesterday, both “Tom Messner” and “methinksdifferent” who can occasionally get a bit foamy at the edges, posted classics on my “In Defense of “Miss Van Der Volt.” post. I threw in a comment as well… It’s my fucking blog… OK? I urge you to read them over a large classic Martini. (Two parts gin, one part dry Vermouth) That way you can taste what’s getting you fucked up. Then savor Tom’s final riposte… “Resonate.” That’s the first clue!

AdScam is my life!!!

in defense of “Miss van der volt.”

I just received an email from Brian C. Ezeike of Works of Bawbee Films. The guys who shot the “Miss Van Der Volt'” entry for the Chevy Super Bowl crowdsourcing competition. I will print it in its entirety below, but a couple of points. He says I claim that filmmakers get nothing for entering the competition. He says that if they win they get a prize… Well yeah. But if they  lose, they get fuck all. That’s what crowdsourcing is all about. And secondly... No one is as fucking hot as Kate. Anyway, he should be pleased that I am asking everyone to vote for his fucking masterpiece. After all, I am a fucking prince… Enjoy…

Hello George, I hope all is well. I read with interest your blog post on my spec commercial, Miss Van der Volt, and I just thought I should respond.
Please view this email as me passing on information to you to clarify things and not me defending my spot or Chevy - You mentioned that the filmmakers get nothing for entering into the competition. That's incorrect. The filmmakers do get prizes if they're lucky enough and you can go here to view the prize breakdown: http://www.chevroletroute66.com/prizes.html
- Please keep in mind that in life many of us take different directions to our destinations so while we might be ridiculed as C-level or D-level directors we're working hard and looking for opportunities to elevate ourselves despite whatever challenges we face. Hopefully one day we'll have the resources of big agencies at our disposal so we can deliver polished work. Until, then we can only work with what we have at our disposal. With the right resources in place, we believe we could tremendously improve our craft. We cannot be ashamed of trying our best to better ourselves and looking for opportunities to climb the ladder. - As you know part of the challenges of being indie is production cost. As you can imagine when Chevy is crowdsourcing commercial spots they're looking for quality work as the winning spot might be broadcast nationally during the Super bowl. It's idealistic to think that crowdsourcing means getting consumers to shoot homemade videos but it might not be realistic. That's why Chevy actually gave us indie filmmakers production grants to cover our costs and enable us to produce work that is decent quality. That is quite generous of Chevy as I have seen many crowdsourcing competitions but not really aware of any that give production grants. I got a grant and it helped me tremendously with covering my cost so I'm not doing this out of pocket. Can you see how that is a good thing for a struggling indie? Here's a complete list of production grant winners for the Superbowl Competition: http://www.chevroletroute66.com/prodgrant.html
- I did not create Miss Van der Volt to be 'as hot as Kate'. I thought it would be interesting to create an awkward hero that is not your generic superhero but one that still fits the soccer mom mold.
Thanks for your time!
Brian C. Ezeike - Works of Bawbee Films, LLC

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

Kate and her electric GypsyMobile!

 

Casey “I created enfatico” Jones waxes inelegantly on agency compensation!

Demonstrating that since Jonah Bloom gave up the helm at AdAge, this once great ad trade mag is beginning to scrape the bottom of the barrel, is the fact that they continue to publish really, really wanky pieces from Casey Jones… Yeah, the guy Michael Dell showed the door to after he had talked Dell into putting all their eggs in the rancid ”Enfatico” basket. Today, this bozo has the temerity to lecture us about how incentive pay for agency performance doesn’t work. Instead, he suggests… “Segmentation.” After wading through his turgid fucking prose, I have no idea what the fuck he is talking about. He goes on about triggering people’s dopamine receptors and allowing them to do one crazy idea a year, he hastens to add that you should put no media weight behind the effort, but this will let the weird fuckers in the Creative Department enter their patheticly juvenile efforts in award shows. I assume the rest of the year you merely open the door and throw shit on them.

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

Meantime, Enfatico is working on its first Dell campaign!

 

business as usual?

As further proof that in this business, there are certain people, who, like cockroaches have the ability to survive nuclear explosions… You might remember a wanker by the name of Tony Weisman? He was the DraftFCB guy that Julie and Sean were negotiating a deal with to come on board for all kinds of goodies after dropping the $580 million Wal-Mart account in his lap... No conflict of interest there, right kids? Then after the shit hit the fan and Draft/FCB was fired within a week, Tony skipped the sinking Titanic of Draft/FCB to join Digitas, part of "Le Frog Egomaniac's" Publicis Group. And when Goodby recently lost the Sprint account to Digitas – as did Euro RSCG Chicago, which held the direct marketing and digital chores and will likely have to fire up to 90 people because of the loss – the account shift happened without a pitch. The staff at Digitas was even shocked to learn of the win. How did this whole swift move happen? Perhaps Tony still has the keys to the liquor cabinet and many cases of “Effen-Fuckin’-Effen” were on their way to Sprint’s marketing management. Hey, it’s just a theory!

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

I don't need no stinkin' laptop!

 

inevitably lovemarks become hatemarks!

Oh dear… It would seem that the retail shit is really hitting the fan. Following my earlier Sears news, now it would appear that J. C. Penney has fallen out of love with Saatchi’s Kev "I always wear black" Roberts and his LoveMarks super con job. Now he has a legit reason for wearing black. Perhaps Le Maitre Levy will relegate Mr. Lovemarks to the dog house (remember that?) where he can study next years rugby fixture list, whilst deciding which five star hotel to next review on his pathetic blog. Even though Penney’s has been spending less in the last couple of years, it’s still a fucking huge piece of business for Saatchi’s to lose. You see kiddies. Always listen to uncle AdScam… Love rarely lasts forever, particularly in the world’s most fucked up business. What’s next Kev… Motel 6 and Ryanair?

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

Of course it does... It's fucking advertising!

 

Tom’s take on “Miss-Van-Der-Volt!”

My, my… Lots of comments on my VOTE FOR “MISS VAN DER VOLT!” post yesterday. All were good, a few excellent. I particularly liked some of the points “methinksdifferent” made, and “Horse Rider” scored by pointing out that this whole exercise is not really in the same mold as the 25 words or less activities that Tom mentioned were prevalent in the 40’s and 50’s. All the entrants for this fuck fest seem to be minor production companies with mediocre reels. And there were 197 of them, all competing for a chance to have their spot on the Super Bowl. From what I can gather from the site… They won’t even get paid. Fucktard consumers have a chance of winning a $10,000 prize. The film makers get zip. If you do fuck all else today… Read Tom’s masterpiece… YOU THE CONSUMER AND THE MINIMUM WAGE. A brilliant explanation of “crowdsourcing” and all its evil attributes. I leave you with these pearls from Uber-Nozzle Joel Ewanick… “Because Chevrolet is sold in many countries, ‘crowd-sourcing’ content globally is a great way to find creative advertising that resonates with consumers.” Yes indeed Joel, it’s that kind of thinking that’s got us where we are today.

REMEMBER… You MUST vote for “Miss Van Der Volt.”

Don't worry, mein Fuhrer... There's enough for everyone!