AdScam/The Horror!

iTablet, or iWank. Whatever. AppleFreaks will buy it by the container load!

As a follow up on my iTablet/Newton post, someone has a fucking thing going about just what the fuck this thing will be called… iPad, iTab, iSlate, iSlab, iDick… Who fucking cares. But if you do, go to this wanky site and fucking discuss it, vote on it, wank on it… But whatever you do, hit the Apple store when the announcement is made. Pay double what it’s worth, then when GodJobs cuts the price by half after a month, complain. iGod will then you a voucher for a couple of hundred bucks that you have to spend at the Apple Store… But hey, fuck it, you can always add to your iPhone collection. Did you get the pink one yet?

And don't forget the iTit!

Leo Burnett produces the “Mother” of bad campaigns!

Is it just me, or does anyone else out there think the Leo Burnett, Serena Williams campaign for Tampax is not only tasteless, but fucking dumb? I’m not saying the subject is taboo, shit it’s a product line that’s been advertised for years… But the fucking concept, copy and art direction on this effort truly sucks. Take the Ad below… The headline is “Serena Slams Mother Nature.” Apparently because she doesn’t want the gift in the “Red Box.” The TV is even worse with references to “Bad Blood… Plenty of blood.” At least she didn’t say to Mother Nature… “I swear to God, I’ll fucking take this ball and shove it down your fucking throat.” That might have caused altogether too much “Bad Blood!”

I wonder how many millions they're paying for this?

Apple Freaks can start wetting their knickers now!

Just ‘cos you have iMacs, iPhones, iPods and a fucking iToilet doesn’t mean your life will be complete unless you stand outside an Apple Store for three days when they announce the fucking iTablet. And if you need more evidence that the Apple tablet is real, yesterday, you got your wish. Michael Tchao, one of the leading proponents of Apple's failed Newton platform, returned home on Monday, according to The New York Times. No one knows what the fuck Tchao's actual duties are, but considering his previous experience with the tablet format, Tchao may be there to figure out a way for Apple to market its mythical tablet. Remember, before there was an iAnything there was the Newton. In 1993, during Apple's dark ages (read: no GodJobs), the company launched the MessagePad. It ran an operating system called Newton, and did almost everything a fucking PDA can do today, including note taking, contact management, e-mail, beaming, wireless connectivity, and desktop syncing. Which proves there’s nothing new under the fucking sun. Apple freaks won’t have long to wait for the iTablet… In the meantime, you only have three fucking iPhones. What the fuck is wrong with you?

It’s a prehistoric Kindle!

Pizza Hut looking for breakthrough creative!

Yeah, that’s a fucking joke. With the news today that Pizza Hut has put BBDO on notice that they are about to take it in the arse, as the account goes into review.. You have to wonder why? Yes, BBDO did shitty work, but everyone does shitty work for mass-market pizza vendors. I have never, ever seen a good spot for any of these cretins. It’s always grinning churls stuffing their pie-holes with fake pizza covered in bright red food dye, washed down by nuns-piss light beer, while watching stupid American football games on a 96 inch TV. It’s the same shit, it’s always the same shit. After the churls, the tight shot of the cardboard pizza revolving on a turntable as giant supers tell you about extra toppings and even more tasteless breadsticks… Besides which, that’s like ordering a loaf of bread, with a side order of fucking bread! As usual, BBDO will defend it, ‘cos they don’t have the balls to tell the client to go fuck themselves. And at the end of the day, whoever gets it will produce the same old, same old shit. But you’ll be able to order your breadsticks on Twitter, or something equally dumb, which will undoubtedly get you an ecstatic write up in Creativity!  

No wonder BBDO got fucking fired!

Bonus Hitler Tuesday!

I just came across another great Hitler video… Fuck me, those things are popping up faster than farts in a CP+B commercial. This one is called “Twitter Down for Hitler!” Check out thirty seconds in when one of the generals says “Twitter has been down since last night. Apparently Robert Scoble overloaded the servers.” That’s fucking funny. If you don’t get it, you are a fucktard! Ooops, just found another, “Hitler frustrated as followers split!” Fuck, I could be here all night.

Blondi gets fucking iced in the first one!

Microsoft’s advertising continues to suck!

You know things are bad when your advertising gets fucking hammered on CNBC… They just did a hatchet job on that appalling Windows 7 Launch Party video. This thing goes on for over six minutes with four “diverse” actors talking shit about hosting a fucking party to launch a piece of software to your friends. You know it is bad when YouTube has disabled comments, ‘cos it means people just poured shit all over it. After a laundry list of MS marketing fuck ups, there’s this… “I’m beginning to think that no one involved with Microsoft’s advertising has ever left the house or spoken to a real person,” Ian Douglas, a tech blogger for the Web site of London's Daily Telegraph newspaper, wrote of Microsoft's latest marketing mishap. Ouch, fucking ouch… Dead right.

Fuck Windows 7!!!

Pepsi account worthless… Peter Arnell declares bankruptcy!

My good mate Edward, drew my attention to a piece in the Onion announcing that Pepsi has decided to stop advertising. Yeah, it’s a fucking joke, but if you read it, it actually makes sense. Take this for instance… PepsiCo CEO Indra K. Nooyi told reporters during a press conference at the company's corporate headquarters. "Frankly, it just feels sort of weird and desperate to put all this energy into telling people what to drink. If they don't like it, then they don't like it." Ha, fucking right, Indra… Does this mean Peter Douchenozzle Arnell will never work again?

Still, there's always the "Peapod." I don't fucking think so!

Mad men fucks Mad Ave!

Did you see the piece in yesterday’s New York Times titled, “Hit TV Shows Have Most-Skipped Ads.” It would seem that, courtesy of TiVo, nearly all of the television shows that won 2009 Emmys showed higher levels of ad-skipping than the averages for similar shows. But the funniest figure is that for the audience watching Mad Men… Apparently eighty three percent of the viewers fast forward through the fucking show… Oh, the Irony of it all!

They can't wait to get more of me!

Creatives fucked as idiots take over!

Jim Edwards over at bNet has a piece on how crowdsourcing is killing creativity. Lots of examples, including the Brammo logo fuck up that King Alex B encouraged while moaning about the death of professional creativity. Still, it’s no worse than writing a diet book while peddling fat-burgers to cretinous adolescents. The bit I like the most is this from Vice magazine CEO Andrew Creighton’s explanation of how his company got Pernod’s vodka business: “Technology makes huge changes possible … Cheap desk-top publishing software allowed us to launch the mag in the 90s, the internet allowed us to stream live TV to millions around the world. Essentially, when something becomes cheap and simple enough for idiots like us to use, that’s when the barriers to entry disappear.” Ha, well, at least he’s fucking honest!

Anyone can do this shit!

Twitter pulls scam of the century… Fucktards jump aboard… So, what else is new?

I’m sure that all the TwitterNozzles out there are all of a Twitter  on the news that Twitter is now valued at ONE FUCKING BILLION DOLLARS… Living proof that the lunatics are in charge of the asylum. Yeah, you all know I think Twitter is a giant wank, and that I really doubt if it will ever make any serious money, but this is fucking insane… Last weeks news that a bunch of fucktards have invested $100 million in VC capital into this joke, thereby giving it a valuation of ONE FUCKING BILLION DOLLARS, leaves me slack jawed… As Cringely puts it so well… “I especially love this line from the IDG news report: "The money will give Twitter more time to figure out a business model." Hey, if somebody wanted to give me $100 million, I'd be happy to spend my time working out a business model -- preferably from a beach chair in the Caymans.” Amen to that… For the next person who wants to blow $100 million on a dumbfuck idea, I would just say one thing… Boo.com. And if you don't know what that is, you are truly fucked!

Not to worry Captain Picard... This Twitter shit was a temporary aberration that died out by 2011, long before you were born.