AdScam/The Horror!

psfk conference update… Smart arsed answers to smart arsed questions. Plus it’s Kate day!

Well, I was going to post a comment responding to all the comments on my last post, but that would be a very long comment, and I wouldn’t be able to do the Kate Moss, usually undressed feature… So, I’m doing a post instead… Here we go, from the top…

@midbest… Young snot noses have effete names for the same reason all planners are British. In other words, I have no idea. I am, however, thinking of changing my name to either Albert Thistlethwaite, or Chauncey de la Benque… We can all vote on it.

@Edw3rd… Yes, Domenico hails from Italy. But Placido Domenico is Spanish! Just taking the piss… I know it’s Damingonozzle.

@Ad Man… Then don’t fucking come. You won’t be missed, you wanker.

@ondownlow… And how much are you blowing on the wedding? Tell your future wife, it’s cancelled, you have more important things to spend your money on… If she loves you, she’ll understand. And I’ll get you fucked up afterwards.

@midbest… My name for the day is “Fucktard!”

@Curvin… Your cut is an evening at NoBu with Julie and Howard. The pictures will be on Howards cell phone the next day.

@Joe-Joe… Oh, very droll… Were you playing with yourself as you typed that?

@Piers… Amen to all that. Just check out the usual boiler-plate conferences put on by AdAge, AdWeek, Fast Company, fucking Wired etc. These wankers charge thousands of dollars to listen to the same clowns talk shit at some exotic location… But then you can “Network” while playing golf… Whereas all the psfk events are very, very good value with out of the mainstream speakers dealing with not the same old – same old shit. $45 is fucking peanuts.

@midbest… Curvin is actually an Estonian necromancer who changed his name from Luigi, Alphonso, Lapentanozzle, so he could become a Madman.

@detroitmediaguy… I would only accept a lap dance from Julie if I was wearing the asbestos underwear the Japanese astronaut was recently announced as wearing at the space station for three months. You do not know where that lady has been.

@Kypar… You didn’t leave a comment, but I am sure, by now you are having Kate withdrawal symptoms.

How can you not love a girl who smokes after sex? Unless it's one who smokes during sex!

After August 20th, New York will never be the same!

Lucky AdScam readers living in the New York area will be able to see me hosting a panel at the psfk Good Ideas Salon on Thursday August 20th at the terribly trendy and massively wanky Soho House Hotel. Titled “Good Ideas in Advertising” (Is that now an oxymoron?) It will feature two panels. The Old Geezers… Me, Tom Messener, Curvin O’Reilly, and the always witty, beautiful and definitely not geezerish, Helayne Spivak. The young snot noses panel will be, Alain Sylvain, Domenico Vitale and Gill Linton. We will have at it from 9.00 AM. Then retire to a suitably trendy bar in the Meat Packing District to get fucked up for the rest of the day… All the details are here… If you live within 100 miles of New York, you have no fucking excuse not to be there. And you certainly have no excuse not to buy me a drink. Draft/FCB and Enfatico management are particularly welcome… Julie gets in for free, and a lap dance.

Be there... Or be square!!!

Free muffins, courtesy of Chris Anderson.

Hey, I don’t want to beat this thing to death with a great big shitty stick, but I just watched a ten minute video of Chris Anderson giving a lecture about his “Free is the next Free” pitch  at the “Revenue Boot Camp” in Mountain View, California… i.e. Fucking Silicon Valley, where everyone and his uncle talks shit 24/7 about the “next big thing” and how it’s all about building a huge audience, making no money, and convincing the VC fucktards to keep funding dumpster loads of lolly into this derelict business model,’till you can do your IPO, cash out, fuck off somewhere else, and leave someone behind to organize the Chapter Eleven. He goes on and on with some kind of perverted logic trying to explain that instead of giving away one percent of your muffins to sell 99%, you should give away 99% to sell one. Am I a fucking cretin, or does that sound like it will end up being the worlds most expensive muffin? Yeah… What the fuck do I know?

Now that's what I call a muffin!!!

JC Penney goes all LoveMarky gnarly… Kinda.

I had to laugh when I read the news that JC fucking Penney is launching a line of “celebrity” clothing for skateboarders. It would seem they are getting together with a wanky outfit by the name of “Wicked Fashions” (“Wicked” is what cockney gits say while blowing snot out of their nose) This whole thing is in partnership with teenage pro-skateboarder and reality TV star Ryan Sheckler. (Who the fuck is that?) OK, I’m a gnarly old geezer and know next to fuck all about skateboarding, but why do I have the feeling that the hard core skateboarders I see around town, jumping off tall buildings and going the wrong way down one way streets… Wouldn’t be caught dead in JC fucking Penney? Maybe Kevin “I just fucked my brains out for a week at the twelve star Bangkok Ritz Carlton” Roberts has an uber-Lovemarks piece of shit up his BLACK sleeve. But, I doubt it.

We get "Wicked" at JC Penney. And we "LoveHeart" Kevin. He's a "Dude!"

The Enfatico blog... Going, going, gone!

And, apropos nothing, except it’s Thursday… Hitler was yesterday, Kate is tomorrow… The Enfatico blog hasn’t had a post in 52 days… The last one was about “cool computers” and was posted by some douchenozzle in Beijing. It received one comment from “JamesD,” who obviously works for Enfatico, ‘cos it read… Thanks for the useful info. It’s so interesting. Jesus guys, can’t you at least try and make it a little less fucking obvious? But I suppose when you are inventing the Agency of the Future and knocking down walls and silos, you don’t have time to write convincing comments! Carry on Creating.

It takes a hard man to write a soft blog!

Chris Anderson maintains his ten year record of talking shit.

If there’s one thing that pisses me off… Well, as you know, lots of things piss me off, but if there’s one thing that really pisses me of, it’s a fucktard who believes without question that he is one hundred percent right, and everyone else is fucking wrong. That’s why I nearly blew a gasket when I read the Chris Anderson interview in Salon. “Who needs newspapers when you have Twitter?” Basically what this wanker is saying is that he never, ever reads newspapers any more, he relies on Twitter feeds for his news. Here’s a sample quote… “I figure by the time something [news] gets to me it's been vetted by those I trust. So the stupid stuff that doesn't matter is not going to get to me.” Oh, that’s fucking brilliant, if it doesn’t get to you, it’s because it’s stupid… How the fuck do you know it’s stupid if you haven’t seen it? He goes on to kick the shit out of print (does that mean his increasingly wanky mag, Wired, will no longer have a hard copy version?) and talks about how Twitter will one day make billions, “when they’ve figured it out!” Why does this shit remind me of the dot com implosion when ninety percent of the douchenozzles blowing tens of millions of VC money on Websites selling horse manure went up in a cloud of smoke before they’d made a fucking penny… Oh, I know why, ‘cos fucktard Anderson was at the forefront of that fiasco as well. If you are really insane, go buy his book, Free, which is no longer free on Amazon. Ha, figure that shit out. What a truly pompous git!!!

And it's FREE!!!

Is Al Ries a douchenozzle, or merely a fucktard? Better ask his daughter.

I finally got around to reading the Al Ries article in AdAge of the 27th titled… GM's Appointment of Lutz Shows No Respect for Marketing. It is a totally unmitigated piece piece of shit. Why? Firstly Al Ries is an Uber-poseur who is still coasting along on the back of a wanky book he co-authored back before man discovered fucking fire. Secondly, he quotes GM, CEO Fritz Henderson as saying: "Bob's responsibilities beyond creative design will include brands, marketing, advertising and communications," as some kind of proof that Bob is unfit for the role. He then goes on to quote Peter Drucker, who he describes as the management guru of the 20th century, which is the same as describing Michael Jackson as the Cub Scout leader of the fucking millennium. "Because the purpose of business is to create a customer, the business enterprise has two -- and only two --basic functions: marketing and innovation." OK, Mr. Smart Arse Management Guru… How about making shit people actually want to buy with their hard fucking earned dollars? What’s even more pathetic is the number of comments that say shit like… Brilliant article Al, can I pop over and kiss your arse… Here’s a prime example from “chuck” in New York… Fantastic article, Mr. Ries. absolutely spot-on. let's hope bob returns from the beach with a clear mind and reads this... it would do a world of good for him to not only do that - but also contract y'all to come in and consult. well done. Ha, fucking Ha… Why do I have a feeling this is written by Al’s daughter, Laura, the other half of Ries and Ries.

Gott und Himmel... "Positioning" my arse!!!

  

Interpublic results suck… Michael Roth pats self on back… What else is new?

Yesterday, Interpublic announced their second quarter results… A fucking disaster. Revenue was down 20% and profits were down a whopping 76%. As Uber Wanker Michael Roth put it… “"Clients continue to be cautious in spending.” Oh yes, well put Michael, I bet you and all the other holding company douchenozzles discussed that at great length in Cannes the other month. Still, in true “fuck the workers” style, IPG has been cutting costs. Spending on salaries and related costs, excluding severance payments, was down nearly 10% in the second quarter. But Rothnozzle reiterated what IPG has conveyed before: There is only so much trimming in personnel costs that can be done without hurting business significantly. Namely, don’t all you IPG shareholders out there expect me to cut my multimillion dollar pay and bonus package… What the fuck do you think it’s based on… Results?

IPG shareholder reafirms faith in Michael Roth!

Julie Roehm… Ace Comment of the fucking day!

A good friend and loyal AdScammer tried to post this comment on Tuesday, but because of the wanky blogosphere restrictions, was having problems. One day, who knows, the “Agency of the Future” may come up with “Blogosphere of the Future.” Anyway, here’s the comment, which I think it is incredibly apposite… I’ve got it figured out. Julie has signed up for occupancy at one of the many executive flophouses in and around NY. When she needs an office, she’s got one. When she needs it, she’s also got a conference room, one complete with a full set of bamboozling tools (speakerphone, video projector, teleconference equipment, plenty of whiteboards). With the flophouse space came a local phone number (area code 212 or 646, possibly 718, 201 or 203). When she’s there, she can answer the phone. When she’s away, the phone automatically transfers the call to her home office in Bentonville, possibly even her cell phone. At an Apple store in Manhattan, she acquired an iPhone, which, conveniently enough, came with a local number (area code 212, 646 or 917). Mail and packages sent to the flophouse are either saved for her return or forwarded to Bentonville. When she reaches out to the world via the Internet, her location, of course, isn’t revealed, just as it isn't when Internet scam artists in Russia and Nigeria (or beyond) try to reach into your wallet or access important information about you. If my scenario sounds implausible, consider this. A few years ago, in the dead of winter, I called a friend in Chicago (area code 312). When he answered my call, he told me he was on his way to play golf. How, I asked, could he play golf in Chicago? Wasn't it too cold? He told me he was at his condo in Florida and had set it up so that calls to his private office phone in Chicago would be automatically transferred. Clever man. Could Julie be this clever, too? She's gotta do something. Money trees don't grow in Bentonville - unless your name is Walton or you happen to be a big cheese at the biggest employer in town.  Yes in-fucking-deed, I couldn’t have put it better myself.

The Change Agents at Backslash Media are ready to 2.0 your douchenozzle!

Julie Roehm looks into Poisoned Dwarf’s eyes and hearts him forever!

Roger over at The Tribble Agency has pointed me in the direction of Julie Roehm's updated LinkedIn page… On which she is claiming as her latest gig… Marketing Consultant at MJM Creative, which is one of WPP’s ten thousand fucking companies. This leads me to the inevitable conclusion that the Poisoned Dwarf has finally gone and lost his fucking mind. But, as MJM is one of those schlock event marketing outfits, maybe he wants Julie to resurrect her world famous Lingerie Bowl fiasco. This is living proof that you can really, really fuck up, but there’s always some douchenozzle out there with shit for brains that’ll hire you. She also lists her location as “Greater New York Area.” Does this mean that the “Non-Breadwinner” is stuck doing housework in the Bentonville McMansion while Julie conquers new worlds? Poor bastard.

Oooooh.... Julie.... Oooooh....