AdScam/The Horror!

I think Chaucer may have had it right... Or, was it Ozzie Obdurate?

As I said in an answering comment to my last post, I may have opened a can of worms here. Even though that particular can may have been opened long before cans were invented. For instance, I just love it when an ex-jock sportscaster comes on the 6.00PM news and talks about the local numb-nuts football team, describing them as the "Winningest" team of all time. What the fuck does "WINNINGEST" mean? And, in case you are too fucking idle to have read the previous post, it’s all about the incorrect use and bastardization of the English language. Which, if you are like me, a student into the various Chaucerian variations of medieval English, it gives you license to be as obdurate in the usage of the word “fuck” as you like! Oh, and Happy New Year… There’s plenty more where this came from!

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When you become the "Winningest" Team, you go to the "Winningest" Bowl. If you win, you get inducted into the "Winningest Hall of Fame!" Then you get fucking forgotten!!!

Why Charlotte Beers could kick Karen Hughes ass!

Anyone heard anything of Karen Hughes recently… Remember her? She’s the one Bush crowned as Under Secretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs in early 2005. Then she went on a trip to the Middle East which turned into a fiasco. That was when she assures a room of Saudi women that they, too, will someday drive a Humvee (Maybe she thought they could help out in Iraq) They tell her they're actually happy right now, thank you. Then she tells them President Bush is a man of God (Think Crusader here) That goes down like a lead balloon. In Turkey she meets with a group of Turkish women—hand-picked by an outfit that supports women running for political office—who brusquely tell her she has no credibility as long as U.S. troops occupy Iraq. So, she comes home and we haven’t heard a peep since. Wonder what happened to her plan to “Forward-deploy regional SWAT teams” to get the message out. Last thing I saw was a few months ago when she suggested creating a fund to help Iraqis make short films and audio-visual productions! I suppose the studios would be in the Green Zone and you could make nice movies of all the people in there that never actually go outside the walls. No wonder PR has such a bad reputation. Where the hell is Charlotte Beers when you need her?

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How am I supposed to drive a Humvee with this thing on?

Where ex AdHo's go to die!

I’ve finally found the place I want to retire to. It’s in Austria, and it’s a village by the name of Fucking. Although, as a Brit, I might not be welcome. It seems the locals are a bit pissed off because of all the sniggering British tourists who make off with their road signs. Mayor Siegfried Hauppl explains that "We had a vote last year on whether to rename the town, but decided to keep it as it is. After all, Fucking has existed for 800 years, probably when a Mr. Fuck or the Fuck family moved into the area. The 'ing' was added as a word for settlement." Personally, I reckon  Fucking's been around a lot longer than 800 years, otherwise there wouldn't have been any Fucks to give their name to the village in the first place, would there?

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The sign underneath means don't go fast... Driving, that is. Not fucking!

Ooooppsss!!!

In my last post, I forgot to include the url for the Wal-Scam job... So, here it it is... Oh, and by the way if you should happen to be so fucking insane that you actually apply for the job... Or, even worse, because you have entered into some kind of pact with the Devil, or heaven forbid, The Poisoned Dwarf, you end up getting the job... Then you deserve eveything evil that will happen to you. And who fucking knows, you might even like living in Bentonville! Arrrgggghhh!!!

Welcome to Bentonville. Listen to the children of the night!!!

Why you should consider a future in Arkansas!

My ex-partner Joe (Inventor of the exploding hammer!) very kindly sent me an employment application form from Wal-Mart. Seems like they are looking for a Senior Art Director… Mmmm… Wonder what happened to the “Change Agent” and “Information Architecture Guru Emperor of the Known Universe’ spots that recently became available? Anyway, read the application, it’s a fucking riot and it goes on and on about such stupid boilerplate crap as “Striving for Excellence – Respect – Service – etc – etc.” I mean I’m surprised they don’t want you to be skilled in Rocket Science and Brain Surgery. On the plus side, you get to live in a trailer in fucking Bentonville, Wear a bright blue vest covered in Smiley badges, and make $5.00 an hour. What the fuck is not to like? Although based on the current state of the business… You might be well advised to consider this seriously. Happy New Year Bubba!

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You also get an employee discount. So you can buy cheap Chinese shit even cheaper!

Steve Jobs is on the line for you!

Here’s something for all you Mac Freak Art Director friends of mine… cnet over in the UK is running a great feature titled “Top Ten Apple Rumors of All Time.” My favorite is number 6… “The Apple iPhone, ‘cos I just did a post on that very subject over on AdHurl... Here’s cnet’s take on it… It's such a worn-down-to-the-rim rumor that some have speculated the iPhone is just an elaborate hoax dreamed up by Steve Jobs to keep journalists busy. Barely a day passes without some analyst

predicting or decrying the arrival of an Apple mobile phone -- or some obscure Far Eastern factory claiming to be making it. This wonderfully elaborate rumour plays on the fact that some analysts think it's common sense that mobile phones should also be MP3 players. This belief relies on the myth of convergence that has been peddled to the consumer electronics buyer for decades: why have a mobile phone, a computer and an MP3 player, when you can have all three squeezed into one impossibly complicated and power-hungry device? Yeah... And when your stubby fingers hit three keys at the same time, what the fuck do you do? There’s another nine like that… Mac Freaks … That means you Joe! Should check them out.

On the other hand... Steve could make it happen... He is God after all!

Will Jobs soon be looking for another job? Naaaahh!

I sometimes wonder why guys with zillions always need more zillions. News today that Steve Jobs, Apple CEO, was handed 7.5 million stock options in 2001 without the required authorization from the company’s board of directors doesn’t really surprise me. Apparently, he returned the options without exercising them, but hey, if you’ve got more money than Croesus, why would you need them in the first place? Maybe, as Larry Ellison once said when asked why he needed a few more billion… “It’s all about keeping score.” On the other hand, you might be just a greedy old fucker like “Lightning” Jack Welch, who when he retired from GE got a Golden Parachute worth billions that even included twenty grand a month for fresh flowers in his GE paid for, Park Avenue duplex apartment… Which he only used a couple of times a month. As F. Scott Fitzgerald once said… “The rich are different from you and I.” You can say that again Mr. Fitzgerald!

So, I was thinking about buying this iPlanet!

The end of the ad agency, part thirty something!

Further proof that advertising agencies are fucked… The news on today’s BrandWeek that Visitors to Toyota’s new hybrid site will receive a testimonial from Craig, a Los Angeles-based Prius owner and a handpicked “actor” for Toyota’s plan to let the people do the talking… OK, help me here… The “People” will now do the talking via a handpicked “actor.” Isn’t there some kind of disconnect here? The BrandWeek piece then goes on to describe how Toyota, as a launching pad for future TV spots, will encourage its Prius users to submit video or written messages on the reasons for their purchase or embrace of hybrids and its hybrid synergy drive technology. Meaning that the agency will no longer be required to shoot multi-million dollar spots of gleaming cars zooming along a wetted down route one as it crosses the same fucking bridge at Big Sur every other car has crossed in every other fucking car commercial for the last fifty years. Oh, and they won’t have to FedEx the Autumn leaves in from Connecticut that the car has to scatter as it goes over the Big Sur bridge on a previously wetted down Route One. I guess the end result of all this is that it won’t be long before agencies end up as post production houses whose primary function in life is making a pastiche out of all the shit the consumer has sent in to the client. Hey, but if that’s what it will take for them to survive… They’ll do it.

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Would all those doing car commercials take a number and wait their turn... Thank You.

The world's worst vacation spot!

Trolling through old emails, I was about to erase one from last week from AdRants, who's Steve Hall and Angela Natividad always have lots of goodies posted, when I noticed one talking about the new mobile billboards being touted by a company called "Truck Ads." These things are fucking enormous... Which makes them enormously annoying. But I laughed when I saw the one featured in the picture below. It's parked on the beach at a British resort by the name of Blackpool. I used to get taken there as a kid. That's Blackpool Tower in the background, which I guess was their pathetic attempt to put themselves in the same league as Paris. It didn't work, 'cos Blackpool is a shit-hole. Sorry, just no other way to describe it. I mean look at the beach... It's black. It's on the Irish Sea, which means you have to have the balls of a brass monkey to even think about swimming in it. The sun never shines and it rains 360 days a year. That's probably why the place is full of pubs. You have to get shitfaced to put up with it. And anyway... Who the fuck wants to sit on a beach with that monstrosity parked on it?

Is this a dumb idea, or what?

A MadScam Merry Christmas!

First off… Merry Christmas to all my readers and many thanks for your continued visits, comments and suggestions. Even when they are about where I should shove my head. Since I started this a couple of years ago, it’s been interesting to see not only how the traffic has grown dramatically, but where it’s been coming from. I not only have readers from the expected… US and Europe, but lots from China, Japan and even Iran! This, by the way, applies to both AdScam and AdHurl. In the New Year, I’ll be starting a blog for Haymarket Press in London the publishers of Campaign Magazine and many other advertising and marketing publications. It’ll be an ex-pats point of view of the American ad scene. Fibally, MadScam seems to be selling well and is outperforming both of Phil Dusenberry’s book – Which are actually the same book with a different title! – And best of all, it’s kicking the shit out of Donny’s ghost written opus. Stand by in the New Year for more Drudge like expose’s of advertisings great fuck ups. Shit, nearly got through an entire post without saying “fuck.” Oh well… Fuck it! Merry Christmas.

Ho... Ho... Ho!