AdScam/The Horror!

Make sure you take out all the brown ones!

You know all those “Concert Riders” you read about. Where various fucked up performers like Maria Carrey want special mirrors that make her look thin, Or Brittney wants a constant supply of Spam corn dogs, or Bill Cosby wants everything in the fucking Universe, ‘cos he’s an absolute arsehole (ask anyone who ever worked on the Jello TV campaign!) Well there’s a beauty on thesmokinggun for Iggy Pop and The Stooges. Eighteen pages of mirth and chuckles. Written by roadie Joe Grain it covers everything from sound equipment to demanding a backstage Bob Hope impersonator and a copy of USA Today with stories about morbidly obese people in it. A classic. If you do nothing else, check out page 18 for Joe’s idea for a new Reality TV show… “Dead Dog Island.” Considering “Saw III” is top of the box office charts right now, I can just see it on Fox. It’s right up the “Wizened of Oz’s” street.

Wonder what he'll look like when he grows up?

Even more proof that advertising is fucked… Part XX

One of my “UberSpies” in New York just sent me a spam-mail a friend received on their MySpace page. At first I thought it was some kind of joke. Apparently not. Whoever the fucked up headhunter is who sends shit like this out, they should be castrated. Even if it’s a woman. On the other hand, it might be from someone at JWT, maybe even “Spiffy” Toby Barlow. Any insights?

Hello XXXX. Yeah, this is a total cattle call to Art Directors & Copywriters in ad agency land, yes it is impersonal and I'd agree that it lacks a bit of professionalism and class, but that's just how I roll---y'know what I mean? That said, JWT Detroit has a spiffy new Executive Creative Director, Toby Barlow (google him), who was a spiffy ECD at our spiffy NYC office who has a bunch of spiffy new ideas. Spiffy, eh? JWT, as you know, is the largest agency in the land and the fourth largest over the globe. What you might not know is that JWT Detroit via their Ford client is the biggest revenue earning office in all of JWT's global network. Rad! Now...You'd be right in saying that Detroit is no New York, LA, San Fran, or Chi-town...you'd be right 'cause none of those places are located in Michigan! And none of those places may give you the immediate opportunity to start on a huge national client concepting Superbowl spots, crazy stuff for American Idol and other Nielson box busting shows, print for all major (and not so major, but major hipster) periodicals, national radio silliness, and uber-clever viral(tm) shizit. This is a real opportunity to get in and work on big things!

Hey, whoever wrote this “Spiffy” piece of “Shizit” did say it “lacks a bit of professionalism and class.” How about… “It’s just plain fucking stupid?” Oh, and where the fuck is "Chi-town?"

No, that's "Toby Jug." Kinda "Spiffy" though!

It's not the coughing that carries you off... It's the coffin they carry you off in!

Remember at the beginning of the year when I posted about the Italian coffin company that had a semi-pornographic calendar featuring chicks in sexy underwear doing naughty things in, on, and under coffins… Well guess what, they’ve just announced the 2007 version. More chicks, more sexy undwear and more coffins… But wait, there’s more, they now have a line of watches, cigarette lighters, pencil holders and other shit, all shaped like coffins! They even have a fragrance called “Eternity!” Fucking droll! Trust the Italians. Go to the site, buy stuff, then check out… For good!

I wouldn't be caught dead on anything else!

Draft Dong-Howard and Jong Ill-Kim... The new Dynamic Duo!

Lewis Lazare, marketing columnist for the Chicago Sun Times had this to say when the Draft/FCB merger was announced a few months ago… “This will go down as one of the darkest moments in the history of an increasingly troubled ad industry. It’s a shame to think that an agency like Draft, that was once the lowly tail on a big, healthy, creatively inspired canine, has finally emerged as the powerhouse wagging the mangy mutt that is now the general consumer ad business.” Wow, powerful shit Lewis, couldn’t have said it better myself. But last week after the announcement of Draft/FCB’s win of the worst account in Christendom. He now seems to be back pedaling a bit and quoting members of the Chicago Adverati as saying this is good news for the Second City’s ad biz. Although he does say… “Pricing also cannot be discounted as a factor in Wal-Mart's decision. When the review commenced, some sources joked that Draft FCB was the low-cost leader among the contenders. And on Wednesday, some sources suspected Draft FCB won its competitive edge with its own low-cost price. At a company famously known for its low prices and a corporate culture that prides itself on pinching pennies to keep its retail prices low, a low-cost contract with Draft FCB would have strong appeal. Dead fucking right there Lewis. Even though all the production houses in Chicago are going on and on about how great this will be for their business… By the time Howard gets through delivering his famous much promised ROI… You wankers are going to get squeezed dry. That’s if he doesn’t off-shore everything to China. I hear they can turn out 30’ spots for about ten dollars in Shanghai. And as for North Korea. Fuck, they’ll do it for a bowl of rice!

Two bowls of rice, you capitalist cocksucker!

Living proof that Big Dumb Agencies (BDA’s) get dumber by the day.

-Here is the internal memo sent round to all employees of O&M after they bombed out on TWO major pitches in the same week. It’s a classic! My comments are in italics.

As you all have heard by now, we didn't bring home the Wal-Mart business this week. The final decision does not take place until later today, officially, but we wanted to at least connect with everyone about Wal-Mart before the week was out. The short story is that we didn't win it. Mmm, think we grasped that! The longer story is that the Wal-Mart client was relentless in their praise of our people, our thinking, our pride and of the overall caliber of the agency. So, why the fuck did they hire those wankers at Draft/FCB… Oh, that’s right, they were cheaper! The real story is that a truly amazing group of people work at Ogilvy, and that group turned out an idea and a pitch that was as good or better than anybody could ever hope to deliver. OK… Could you clarify that… Was it “as good” or “better?” And either way, why didn’t it win the account? Oh. That’s right, Draft/FCB was cheaper! We have never been prouder to work at Ogilvy than on the day we pitched that business.  And "Ogilvy" means everybody, all disciplines, all departments...everybody. Wal-Mart went with Draft/FCB (Never willingly undersold) based on their perception of where their business was headed. To a trailer park in in Mississippi So be it.  We wish them well. You lying bastards… You hate their fucking guts! We are a great agency.  We were a great agency last week and we're a better one this week. Yeah, but what the fuck happens next week… Layoffs? Our most sincere thanks go to everyone who worked on the pitch.  And we do mean everyone.  As ever, the New Biz team pulled off miracles on a daily basis, so a special thanks to them. Enjoy the weekend. While you still have a job. Be proud.  I’d rather be employed. Know there are a lot more fish in the sea. Yeah… But they’re all fucking sardines.

There should be a Lead Lion at Cannes in the category “Really asinine, soporific, brain dead memos.” This fucker would be right up there. Stay tuned… More to come!

The O&M New Biz Team. Pulling off miracles on a daily basis!

No Pizza or Chinese garden furniture for the Poisoned Dwarf this year!

So my NYC spies are telling there’s a lot of unhappy campers at O&M after the double debacle of losing out on both the Pizza Hut and Wal-Mart pitches. Really rubbing the salt in the Mel Gibson flagellated wounds was losing the Wal-Mart piece of shit to Draft/FCB. Who you know won it on the basis of “We’ll do whatever the fuck it takes, and we’ll do it for peanuts.” Or to paraphrase a senior Draft/FCB wanker who was quoted in the trades… “We won it on the basis of superior ROI… Not the fucking work.” Or, something close to that. Kinda like “Read my lips… I have never said we will stay the course!” Apparently O&M’s thrust was to take Wal-Mart upscale… Very fucking dumb. Have you ever been in a fucking Wal-Mart??? Anyway, lots of people polishing lots of reels and books at the moment. Hey, they could all go and work for Howard. Personally I’d rather cut my throat with a jagged Boddingtons bottle… After I’d emptied it. Spies also tell me the same CD headed up both pitches. Does that mean he’s toast… Nahhh, he’ll probably get the "Presidential Medal of Fucking Up" from the "Poisoned Dwarf." That’s the way it works in BDA’s. It’s the poor fuckers lower down the ladder who get shafted. Stay tuned.  Lots more on this next week.

There's a shocking Draft up my arse!

Volvo is a bunch of tight-arsed Swedish bastards!

Dontcha just love all the stink Euro RSCG is kicking up with its dumb “Who would you give a Volvo to?” campaign. Seems like a lot of people actually thought Volvo was hosting a competition where the winner could give someone a Volvo. Seems logical to me, but what the fuck do I know? I used to believe in that old cliché, “Truth in advertising.” OK that was before the turn of the century, and I don’t mean the one that happened nearly six years ago. Anyway, enough bullshit. It seems like if you read the fly spec FAQ’s on the Volvo web site, it says this… “The WWYGAVT campaign is intended to make people think about the safety initiatives Volvo has taken in vehicle development and therefore why they would consider a Volvo for the special individuals in their lives.” Oh, fucking right… You mealy mouthed bastards. What a crock of shit. You should be ashamed of your Swedish arses. Give some fucking cars away for Christ’s sake. Otherwise you’re looking at a PR disaster. And I’ll keep posting on it. Bet that's got you crapping in your pants!

As a British car mag once said... Looks like a tank. Built like a tank. Drives like a tank!

Ugly is as schlocky does. Draft/FCB wins Wal-Mart, the world's worst account!

Catching up on my post of yesterday about the “Marriage made in heaven” between the world’s ugliest retailer and the world’s schlockyest agency… It’s a shame when the “Global Chief Creative Officer” has to sell his shop on the basis of the ROI taking precedence over creativity (as reported in a major newspaper today,) but why am I not surprised? Because we are dealing with Draft/FCB… Who will not knowingly be undersold! A scathing demonstration of why this business is so fucked up. As I’ve said before, how can these people look in the mirror and not feel ashamed of themselves? Jay, Bill, David, Howard and others must be spinning in their graves. What a sad state of affairs we have arrived at. If the money wasn’t so good, and if I had any principles, I’d get the fuck out!

Hey, the trough is big enough for all of us. Yeah, but it's almost empty!

If Naomi Campbell calls... Don't answer!

What is it with Naomi Campbell and cell phones? OK, so she was arrested… Again… Yesterday for attacking her “Counselor” with a cell phone. On March 30^th in New York, Naomi was arrested for assaulting her “assistant” with a “Jewel-encrusted” cell phone. In March 2005, was accused by her “assistant” of beating her around the head with a fucking Blackberry! Charges were dropped after Naomi coughed up a shitload of dough to pay off the “assistant!” Naomi does have a bit of a track record for doing stupid things… But then again, so does Kate, who’s even rumored to be pregnant by that ace dildo, drug addict, wanker boy friend of hers. Word of advice Naomi Luv… Either give up cell phones or assistants. Better yet, give up both and just stick to “blow.”

Hello... Hellooo. This phone's never been the same since I beat the shit out of my "assistant" with it!

A marriage made in heaven!

With the news today that Draft/FCB has picked up the $570 million Wal-Mart account, I have this picture in my head of Howard Draft sending out a memo to his global empire that in future all Draft/FCB offices will be furnished in the same style as Wal-Mart’s butt ugly corporate headquarters in Arkansas. That means lots of broken plastic garden furniture to sit on, desks made out of doors on breeze blocks and crying clown pictures from Bangladesh on the wall. But as my old mate Edward O’Meara points out… Howard/FCB/IPG will fit right in, along with the Edelman hooligans.  Then he raises an interesting point about guessing  what next week’s “final presentation” is all about?  (Hint, it’s all about Wal*Mart squeezing the margin, and all those other “oh, by the way(s)…”) Damn fucking right Edward. Wonder if Howard’s going to do another of his brilliant fucking video’s to get the troops steamed up about working on this piece of shit!

VP's get it on velvet!