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As a follow up to my post on Donny’s miserable comic book, one of my New York spies informs me that Harper Collins (the publishers) has absolutely no plans for a paperback edition of “Always full of shit. Never modest.” Mmmm, no surprise there. Hope the ghost writer got paid up front, ‘cos if he’s depending on royalties, it’s gonna be a long cold winter!
No Donny. Not this time around!
A lot of AdScam readers have been taking the piss out of me concerning the fact that even though “MadScam” hasn’t been published yet (Dec1st) It’s already discounted on Amazon. To which I reply “Everything on Amazon is fucking discounted!” But out of curiosity, I decided to check out Donny’s pathetic opus, “Always stoned, never sober.” That’s the one he had ghost written for him by Peter Knobler. Guess what? It’s only been on the market a few months with a published price of $24.95, and now you can buy it for $7.99. Holy shit. What’s next… Landfill for New Orleans?
Now you know what they mean when they say "this book really stinks!"
Jetpack has a wonderful post on the 24th that really had me going for a while. Headed “Rape, Pillage and Good clean fun.” It’s all about a new range of cruises being offered by Disney Cruise Lines. Very, very funny and brilliantly written. At first he had me going! Then I read the spokehack's name "Neanderthal" and it finally sunk into my alcohol riddled brain that he was taking the piss! Go to it immediately and enjoy… Funnily enough though, I can imagine it actually happening one day, ‘cos anyone brain dead enough to go on a cruise deserves to walk the plank! 
Arrrgggh... Jetpack. He be a right scurvy cove!
If you happen to be going to Tokyo this week you can look forward to seeing a nude, pregnant Britney Spears all over Tokyo's subway system, despite an earlier decision to ban the advert. Seems like Officials initially claimed the photo, which appears on the cover of Harper's Bazaar magazine, was "overly stimulating" for public display. Personally, I’d say it was “overly gross.” Disregarding that they’ve airbrushed the shit out of it and made her look almost civilized, the fact that she got another bun in the oven courtesy of her completely fucking useless, skanky, wannabe Pop Star Kevin Federline husband is enough to make you toss your cookies. And believe me; the Japanese subway honcho’s wouldn’t go for that. Probably tie you down and feed you raw Fugu fish for a week!
You know she's got pimples all over her arse!
If you need further proof it’s not only agencies that are stupid, look no further than the clients that want to work with them. Today’s news that KraftMaid Cabinetry has hired Pile and Co. to manage a review of its advertising account, was no biggie considering that even the largest clients are so fucking useless that they need a “Search Consultant” to show them who they should work with… But, reading on, I was literally gobsmacked to see that the client spent slightly more than $4 million in U.S. measured media last year, which is up $1 million from 2004. Hey guys, in today’s money $4 million is fucking peanuts, and the Pile Wankers will want 25% of that as a fee for pointing you in the direction of an agency you could have picked yourself for free… If you’d just had the gumption to get off your arse and do a little looking around… Come to think of it, how to go about picking a kick-ass agency is part of what “MadScam” is all about, and you could have got that for less than twenty bucks come December1st! 
Send me a half mill and I'll point you in the right direction!
You damn well got that right Frank!!!
An English TV spot for Kellogg's Corn Flakes, which said the cereal will make children more alert in the morning, has been banned following 19 complaints that the claim was misleading. Created by JWT, the ad featured a split screen with each section showing a schoolboy sitting at a table. The voice-over says: "Can Kellogg's Corn Flakes make your kids more alert in the morning? Can you spot the difference?". The tired-looking boy in one screen picks up his schoolbag, tips out the contents and begins chewing his pencil. He looks confused as the pencil snaps, then he stands up, yawns and sits down again. The other boy picks up a box of Corn Flakes and pours them into a bowl. As he begins eating, his tie curls up and his spoon spins round and round. He stands wide awake, puts on his blazer, collects his school things and waves goodbye to his mother. The voiceover says that research shows when children eat a cereal like Kellogg's, they are on average 9% more alert. Well all I can say is it’s bad enough to make stupid claims like that and think you can get away with them… What’s even worse is the spot sounds fucking terrible. I mean c’mon… Curly ties and spinning spoons! I haven’t seen shit like that since Ted Bates in the sixties. 
That's what I call breakfast!
Funny to read in today's New York Times about the kafuffle taking place in Britain about the cheating going on in the cricket test match between England and Pakistan. Apparently, a Pakistani bowler was accused of scuffing up the ball to make it bounce awkwardly. See, unlike most other games, in cricket you get one ball and you have to make it last all day. Anyway, the umpire said it had been fucked around with. The Pakistanis got very pissed and refused to come out after the tea break... Thats' right... The fucking tea break. 'Cos a test match goes on for five days. Sometimes it feel like five fucking years. So they break for lunch, tea, and for all I know afternoon naps... No, that's for the people watching. Anyway, after a big brouhaha, the umpires kicked the Pakistanis out of the game and the English were awarded the match by default. Within minutes Pakistan President Gen. Pervez Musharraf was on the phone to the Pakistan captain telling him to pack his bags and get the fuck out of there as the General was sending Bin Laden over to sort all this shit out with Tony Blair. And you thought things were bad in Iraq!!!
In my never ending search for news to titillate AdScam’s high-brow readership, I came across this from the BBC. Swedish state broadcaster SVT has admitted a "huge blunder" after a porn film was accidentally shown in the background of a news bulletin. A five-minute news update shown at the weekend included explicit scenes from a Czech porn movie on a monitor behind the anchor Peter Dahlgren. "This is highly embarrassing and unfortunate," said SVT's Per Yng. Too fucking true, say I.The monitor had been switched by workers who had then forgotten to change it back. "It must not happen again," he added. Why not say I. We need those kind of blunders on US news programs. Particularly when you consider the average network news broadcast contains virtually no news, so let’s watch porn. 
Hey... You spell FOX with three letters and it's just as dirty!
So Smirnoff finally got the “TeaPartay” web site up after having a place holder for the last six months. So I went there. Guess what’s on it… Just the fucking video! So what’s the point of that? If five million people have already seen it on YouTube and every other video site, why are you sending me to the Smirnoff site to see the same fucking thing all over again? At least show the “TeaParty” debutantes buck naked or something! 
That's more like it. Do I have to think of everything?
OK. So we all know advertising agencies are full of, full of shit people, who are nasty, venal, back stabbing, sybaritic egomaniacs that couldn’t hold down a real job, like flipping burgers for ten minutes. So in their infinite wisdom, AdAge has the world’s most stupid fucking banner ad running on their site. You run the mouse over the picture of “Nicole Lee, Media Planner” and this ditzoid voice starts yammering away like this… “I am so hung over today, you don’t understand. Unless you’re that creative I hooked up with at NoBu last night.” Then she fucking goes on and on about AdAge’s report on marketing trends telling you to put your brilliant monkey spot on before half time on the fucking super bowl!!! First off, no one’s done a monkey spot for years, secondly, you don’t discuss with creative’s the finer points of media buying… They don’t give a fuck. Then she say’s “Don’t think I didn’t see you and your partner high fiving this morning… In other words, the creative shagged the shit out of the media planner last night, then proceeded to tel the whole fucking office what a great/lousy lay she was. From the sound of her voice and the content of her comments, I’d say it was probably the latter. AdAge, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself for turning out such unadulterated crap. Any erudite comments Mr. Garfield? Many thanks to my old mate Edie O’Meara for pointing out this gem of bottom of the barrel scraping communications.
Don't fucking ask me. I have a column to write once a week. And I post my blog once a week... Shit, enough already!!!
