AdScam/The Horror!

Emoji my arse...

I’ll be honest... I’ve never understood what the fuck Emoji’s are about. Yeah, dumbfuck images for people who are too illiterate to use words. But I was somewhat nonplussed to read that World Emoji Day was “celebrated” on July 17. Which happened to be my birthday. Still, for anyone over the age of 40 or so, (which is me by a long shot.) The fact that this stupid, child-like, sometimes confounding, symbol language -- started in Japan in 1999 – Where else??? has its own day is enough to trigger a flurry of eye-roll emojis. Can’t wait to read in the fucked up ad press that some BDHC has just appointed some loser as Director of Emoji, holistic gender equality douchenozzle bullshit.

The arse the Emoji’s come from...

MDC – Stagwell – Snore...

Now that the merger of MDC and Stagwell has finally been agreed to, perhaps we can finally say farewell to all the incredibly boring details of the deal. Having said that, here’s my final boring take on the boring deal... According to MoreAboutAdvertising, Mark Penn says: “We expect our growth to be principally organic because 40 percent of our services will be high-growth digital. That supplants the old model, of 90 percent traditional advertising at MDC. By fundamentally changing the mix, we’re going to change the growth pattern and go after much stronger organic growth and reach up for bigger client relationships.” See I promised you boring and I certainly delivered you boring.

He's a man of his word...

Sorrell sops up another thingamajig...

In his never-ending quest to make S4 Capitol a bigger and more cumbersome behemoth than WPP, The Poisoned Dwarf continues his acquisition spree. Today’s deal is for Salesforce specialist “Destined,” which will be merged with programmatic unit MightyHive. We are told that Destined was founded in 2014 by Andrew France in Australia and now has offices across Asia Pacific, providing multi-cloud services to enterprise clients. And here’s the juicy bits... The firm specializes in digital transformation strategy, Salesforce platform implementation, integration strategy and execution, managed services, and training and change management. I have no fucking idea what any of that means. But I do know, it has nothing to do with advertising. So, who cares?

Next “Space.”

Gotta fund the billionaire’s hobbies...

I had to smile when I read this morning’s financial news... The global focus on China's markets sharpened as investors ramped up their response to increasingly tight regulations. Hong Kong's Hang Seng plummeted 4.2% and the Shanghai Composite tumbled another 2.5%, each extending their slides to a third day. Chinese authorities rolled out a raft of clampdowns and new rules over the weekend. The rules required highly successful education companies to adopt non-profit models. And they demanded delivery operations, led by food delivery giant Meituan, to raise wages and increase safety initiatives for its drivers. Yeah... China... Meantime, here in the US, delivery people work their arse off for peanuts. It’s called capitalism.

Your pizza is on its way...

The Olympic spirit would be better out of a bottle...

Why am I not surprised to read that The Tokyo Olympics’ opening ceremony drew a U.S. broadcast audience of 16.7 million, according to preliminary data from NBC. That was the smallest viewership for the event in 33 years. I mean c’mon. It’s red hot, unbearably humid and there are no spectators. Meantime, the inhabitants of Tokyo think the whole thing is a shitstorm of gigantic proportions. Whatever Baron Pierre de Coubertin might have said, winning is the only thing that counts, not the taking part. Plus making a pile of money.

Ready for the AdScam Olympics?

The Dylithium Data does’na scan “Cap’n.

If you are looking for a really depressing view of where the fucked up ad biz is headed, get your arse over to Adweek and read... “CEO Mark Read discusses WPP’s data focused shift towards a new digital age.” We are breathlessly informed that Mark Read drew on his experience at the helm of WPP Digital and Wunderman to embed data in WPP's DNA. “If anything, the philosophy is to use as little data as possible to have the maximum ROI possible with the data,” says Read. “Whereas I think the old methodology was to have as much data as possible, and then try and figure out what you did with all of that.” In other words, he is suggesting that back then no one had any idea what they were doing. Today, apparently, no one still has any idea what the fuck they are doing.

The Data Is In.. 

Up, up and away...

Billionaire space cadets, Branson and Bezos have just been declared “Non-Astronauts by the FDA. In the first revision since it established the Commercial Astronaut Wings program in 2004, the FAA has narrowed down the definition of “astronaut” so as to rule out future billionaires whose idea of space exploration amounts to joyrides in suborbital space .Both Bezos and Branson have talked a great deal about how their space launches are for the benefit of mankind and might even, in some yet-to-be-explained way, help us solve all of our pressing problems here on Earth. Realistically speaking, if that is the case, it won’t become apparent for many years to come, when space travel becomes the norm. For the time being, both missions were just experimental launches and very expensive joyrides.What a pair of wankers.

Head of FDA says “Fuck You.”

Kate... Kate... Kate...

Ace Canadian AdScamer, “Ray – Eh” wants to know where the Kate pics are...

Here’s a couple to keep you going...

“T.G.I.K.F.”

 

ZuckerNozzle tightens the screws...

You know something nasty must have taken place between WPP and Facebook with the news that WPP’s Group M has pulled out of the review for the one-billion-dollar account. According to the Wall Street Journal, one reason for withdrawing from the review is a Facebook request for strict contractual terms, according to people familiar with the matter. Contracts between agencies and marketers often require agencies to take on certain levels of liability or risk if an issue arises around the ad-buying process. Advertisers also often include terms around the right to audit an agency group. In other words, ZuckerNozzle wants to squeeze his agencies balls ‘till they do whatever he wants. Nothing new there.  

Welcome to my world...

These knickers are tight...

I live in Idaho. When I first moved here, I was still doing most of my work out of New York. Most of my mates there asked me why I wanted to live in the Midwest and wasn’t it all flat and potato farms. Yes, I said, and it’s full of Nazis, so stay the fuck away. Actually, it’s full of Mormons. More than even next-door Utah where the religion is based. It’s also based on some gold tablets that were dug up from someone’s back yard and no one has ever seen. Best of all, it requires you to wear “Magic Underwear.” There’s an interesting piece in the New York Times that shows how some Mormon women are getting increasingly pissed off about its limitations. But, don’t forget, the LDS is totally run by a bunch of 100-year-old white men. So, obviously, they know all about ladies’ undies...

Ah... That’s better.