In my non-stop endeavor to bring you all the news that’s really, really, important…This just in… Cindy Crawford’s son, 20 year old acter and model, Presley Garber (Who?) just got a face tattoo. It reads… MISUNDERSTOOD. Yeah well it would, wouldn’t it? This is a headline feature on “fake news” site CNN. Well, it makes a change from the mainstream media non-stop “Bernie Bashing.”
Wanker!!!
You know that $650 million hydrogen powered super yacht that bill Gates just bought? Turns out he didn’t. But he could with the change he finds under his Barco Longer cushions. Meantime, Jeff Bezos really did just buy a $165 million mansion in Beverly Hills. This comes with a hydrogen powered golf course and an airport for his girlfriends’ fleet of helicopters. Who says money can’t buy happiness?
‘Course it fucking can.
People in the ad biz have always talked shit, but at least it was shit you could semi-understand. Now they talk shit that is totally incomprehensible. MediaPost tells us that Agency Within, which believes that the agency model is dying, has rebranded itself simply as WITHIN. (Dramatically concise.) We are informed that… “The traditional agency model is dying due to its siloed focus on tactics in channels. There is no holistic strategy, leading brands to short-sighted efforts that create a disjointed customer experience. WITHIN is built on Performance Branding principles that collapse the marketing funnel. This allows brands to maximize growth while building stronger connections with their customers.” (confusingly obtuse.) I met David Ogilvy twice, the occasions were separated by 25 years. Both times he said exactly the same thing to me… “The business of advertising is selling.” Now that’s what I call fucking concise!
How many times do I have to tell you?
Yeah… It’s Valentine’s Day. Another fake holiday along with Halloween, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Take your dog to work Day… Yada…yada… Yada. When I first arrived in America back in the early sixties, I went into my New York bank one day to be surprised that everyone working there was dressed as witches, wizards and giant peanuts. “What’s going on?” I asked. A lady teller replied “It’s Halloween. It’s a holiday.” To which I asked the question… “Well, if it’s a holiday, why are you all still at work?” That did not go down well. And did you know that yesterday was “Galantine’s Day?” No, neither did I… And I don’t give a fuck.
You know who my heart belongs to!
Over on The Guardian, there’s a piece by a douchenozzle who prefers Vodka to Gin. Here’s the comment I left…Back in my Mad Man days on Madison Ave in the 60's, I worked on the Heublein account. They had several vodkas ranging from Smirnoff at $10 a bottle to Relska at $3 a bottle. On a tour of the bottling line I noticed that all the different brands were being filled from the same source. I asked why, because they are all the same, replied my guide. Straight grain neutral spirits cut with water. That's why you should always buy the cheapest. The ads claimed... "It leaves you breathless." So you could get pissed at lunch and no one could smell it on your breath. It was also "Filtered through a mountain of charcoal." So where all the others. Isn't advertising great? I'll stick to gin. That's why I vacationed in Minorca. Besides tourism, they are one of the world's major producers of gin. No wonder Nelson and Lady Hamilton lived there.
Gin... Vodka... Whatever!
Most of the ad biz news these days is boring, trite and of no fucking interest. You know we are scraping the bottom of the litter tray when MediaPost features a big piece about Oil-Dri Corporation appointing Cramer-Krasselt (C-K) as agency of record for Cat’s Pride, a cat litter and accessories brands, following a multi-agency competitive review. As agency of record, C-K will handle the brand’s advertising, brand planning, public relations, social media and digital marketing. Annual billings are around $5 million. So, a plethora of agencies probably did a ton of spec work to hopefully pick up a “Whopping” five million fucking dollar cat litter account. Yeah, the ad-biz is fucked.
Excuuuuuse me!
I don’t want to say I told you so… But… I told you so. Just yesterday I posted that the cretins on Wall Street took the DJA through the roof on the news that coronavirus cases were down. As I pointed out, that was because the Chinese had changed the way they documented the infected. Today there is news that China has confirmed 15,152 new cases and 254 additional deaths and that those figures include the ones reported earlier by Hubei province. China’s Hubei province reported an additional 242 deaths and 14,840 new cases as of Feb. 12. The province said it is starting to include “clinically diagnosed” cases in its figures and that 13,332 of the new cases fall under that classification. So, guess what? The DJA will today go down the shitty tubes of Wall Street bullshit, thereby reinforcing what I said yesterday when "homaging" William Goldman… No one on Wall Street knows fuck all about fuck all.”
I fucking told you so…
It’s Wednesday, what better day to rant about Wall Street. Cos it rhymes you see. Which makes as much sense as anything coming out of Wall Street. To “Homage” William Goldman… “No one on Wall Street knows fuck all about fuck all.” This morning the Dow is up over two hundred points, because authorities in China report the slowest increase in coronavirus cases in nearly two weeks… China NHC, however, has changed the way it documents infections, adding only those who show severe symptoms of the respiratory-focused illness. So, unless you are about to die, they don’t fucking count you. Isn’t capitalism great?
Follow Jim Cramer… Go broke!
So, Bernie won last night, but if you read all the various main-stream media outlets, you’ll find that most them talk more about Buttigieg coming second, Klobuchar coming third and Warren and Biden doing badly. I’m not a conspiracy nut-case, but when I read the New York Times and the Washington Post, there’s a distinct smell of anti-Bernie bias. I was very much for Warren in the beginning, but now I’m all in for Bernie. I would love to see him go head to head in a debate with Der Trumpf. He would wipe his fucking clock.
Time to drive off into the sunset, Joe?
I nearly choked on my breakfast beer when I read that all FIVE inhabitants of Dixville Notch on the Canadian border cast their votes a few seconds after midnight. Bloomberg received three write-in votes, one from a Republican and two from Democrats. The remaining votes went to Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders. If you are a fan of real billionaires, this is good news. If you are not, then just ignore it and have another beer. This countries politics are so fucked up I’m thinking of moving back to Britain. Oh, wait a minute, that’s even more fucked up than here.
Everything is fucked up. Time for another beer.
