A well intentioned rant about the current state of Advertising, with particular emphasis on Big Dumb Agencies (BDA's) Because, no matter how bad you think it is, it's actually a great deal worse!
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill pail." George Orwell.
The stock market has tanked big time. But, it’s done that before and come roaring back… “Cos capitalism rules and the only alternative is Sharia Law, and who the fuck wants that, apart from Donald Trump? So fuck it, let’s enjoy a beautilicious Kate Friday.
If you’ve got fuck all else to do while you wait for your Apple Watch, why not make a bid in the “Lunch with Tim Cook” auction. That’s right; you can have an hour’s lunch with in the Apple canteen Tim Cook if you bid enough in this charity auction. Right now the leading bid is $165,000, and there’s still 3 weeks to go. If you should win, be warned that the organizers have stated… "We expect all winning bidders and their guests to conduct themselves appropriately when attending. Polite manners and respect for the generous donor and adherence to any rules or parameters are a must." Well fuck, after shelling out that kind of money, what do they expect, a food fight?
Apple-Tards are slitting their wrists at the news that the Apple Watch may not show up in Nirvana (The Apple Store) until June. Apple had initially stated April 24 as the official launch date for the watch. Although some customers who were nimble enough to place pre-orders will receive the Horological Holy Grail April 24, Apple has removed the date from its website, advising simply: "The Watch is coming." Well fuck, then everything is going to be just fine… GodJobs would have crucified these incompetent wankers!
In the ad biz’s never ending quest to appear ridiculous, one of its favorite pastimes is the invention of stupid titles. The latest is… Chief Native Officer… Yes, the CNO will now be responsible for making sure that the ads don’t look like ads. Unsurprisingly this flavor du jour has actually been around forever. As David Ogilvy put it in “Ogilvy on Advertising,” – If you abandon the conventional graphics of advertisements and adopt editorial graphics, your campaigns will become islands of good taste in an ocean of vulgarity. Yes indeed. Back in the 70’s and 80’s, there was an agency in Paris, Impact, run by Pierre Lemonnier, who was the master of editorial looking campaigns. He wrote long copy ads that treated the reader as if they actually had a brain. Perhaps the single most important thing for Chief Native Officers to remember. But I doubt it!
This just in, Chess Grand Master, Gaioz Nigalidze… Whaaa? Has been cheating since 2007, which coincidentally is the year the iPhone was launched on the unsuspecting public of AppleTards. What brought this disclosureable demimonde didactic on… Hey, does AdScam have knicker twisting abuse of the English language, or what? Simply, the fact that after every move, Gaioz-Nozzle would hot foot it to the Loo, within which tournament referees found an iPhone wrapped in toilet paper hidden behind the toilet. Reading this piece in the Washington Post, it would seem there is more cheating in chess than even Lance Armstrong could have dreamed up.
The evil universe of BDHC’s is currently getting a bollocking from market analyst Brian Weiser who has downgraded his rating on the Big Four… This because of his, “emerging concerns among marketers around different forms of agency rebates in the United States.” Firstly, analysts are clueless wankers… Have you ever watched Cramer the Clown over on CNBC? 90% of his tips lose money. Plus he shouts all the fucking time and you want to punch him in the face. Secondly, all BDHC’s are run by criminals, who’s only interest is sending suitcases of cash to their numbered Zurich accounts. So, all of a sudden, you are surprised they are getting kickbacks from the media? Grow up! Thirdly, the shit first hit the fan in Oz, when after a few “tinnies” too many an ex-media nozzle spilled the beans. The moral of the story… As “Wisey” would say… Don’t get maggot on goon before an interview.
OK… More Goodby Silverstein + Partners mushy accolades. And why the fuck not? They deserve it… 32 fucking years is a long time in this business, and with their record, it’s fucking amazing. Anyway, below is the memo all employees will be receiving today. The third person in the room was, of course, Andy Berlin, Who is now living on a mega-yacht in Florida, smoking Cohibas, rolled on the thigh of a dusky maiden and enjoying the artisanaly curated Tequila he and Jeff are flogging to unsuspecting punters. Rich is probably off on his fucking bike somewhere in Marin. Anyway… Here’s the memo.
Oddly, this company was incorporated on Tax Day, April 15th, in 1983. There must have been a reason for that but we’ve forgotten what it was. What hasn’t been forgotten was the feeling of being in a barren room with three people and one phone. Some might call that terrifying. Somehow, we thought of it as possibility. We hope that feeling of terror and possibility is still with all of you, every day. It makes all the difference. To celebrate this undeniably momentous occasion, Allyson Bentley will have an unlimited supply of quarters for beers tomorrow. Just ask her. We will also honor a 25-cent expense report, if it’s signed. Thanks for all your hard work. Rich +Jeff.
All I can add to this is… If you are currently employed at GS+P. You are one hell of a lucky fuck.
Readers of AdScam will know that I despair of the current state of the ad biz. However, occasionally the menacing clouds part and the odd ray of sunshine peaks through. When this, more often than not, fails to happen. I have two remedies. Fine Fourth Reich Potato Vodka, or… Checking on the latest and greatest from the three consistently coruscate agencies left in the known universe. Droga5, W+K London, and Goodby Silverstein + Partners. Yes, they all treat me well and get me pissed when I am in the neighborhood, which obviously has no influence on me whatsoever. Above all they consistently do work to be proud of. Why this outpouring of sentimental mush? ‘Cos today is Goodby Silverstein’s 32nd anniversary. Yes, thirty two amazing fucking years. More on this in my next post.
Ace ad reporter Noreen O’Leary, over at AdWeek tells us that “Empire State Development Seeks Agencies to Promote New York.” Fuck, they should hire me… I arrived as a starving British student in NYC in 1962 on the Queen Mary. (The real one) Lived in a flea bag non-air conditioned, moving wallpaper hotel in Devils Kitchen. Came back in 1963 on a green card that got me a job teaching at up state RIT in Rochester. Moved down to NYC in 1964… Became a drinking, smoking and shagging “Mad Man.” Even worked on Finger Lakes based Great Western Wines, whilst “Copy Chief.” (Remember them?) At DeGarmo “De Golf.” Fuck, I even worked on Lindsay’s re-election campaign, and got the douchenozzle reelected, so he could fuck up even more in his second term… Shit… NO ONE knows more about New York than me… It’s all in “Confessions of a Mad Man.” If you haven’t bought it, you are a wanker!