AdScam/The Horror!

did the street “friend” facebook yesterday?

OK. the Friday FaceBook Frenzy took place with lots of action that ended with the stock finishing just about where it started out. $38 and change. From what I’ve read, it would have probably ended up south of that if the underwriters, particularly Goldman Sucks, hadn't spent tens of fucking millions propping it up. It’ll be interesting to see what happens on Monday. In the meantime, ZuckerNozzle is still twenty fucking billion dollars better off in the plus column. Speaking of which, he rang the NASDEQ bell from 3000 miles away while delivering a speech about how everything was “Awesome” and how the “Mission” of FaceBook was not to be just a public company. To which I have to ask… Then why the fuck did you take it public?  

My stock portfolio!

Hewlett-Packard to be sold on ebay!

A once great company continues to sink deeper and deeper into the shit. The archetypal, silicon valley company that started in a garage, long before there was a Silicon Valley, is reportedly about to lay off up to THIRTY THOUSAND employees!!! Bill & Dave must be spinning like fucking tops. This is about the umpteenth time a New CEO, brought in to save the company, has decided the best way to do that is by dumping the people who created it. First Queen Carly decided that to pay for her fleet of executive jets, thousands of heads had to be chopped. Next up, Hurd the Turd, when not shagging the help, laid off thousands more. Short lived Leo Apotheker, only had time to lay off a few hundreds before being sent packing with a multi-million dollar golden parachute… And now we have Meg Whitman, the Queen of Baseball memorabilia going for the record with THIRTY FUCKING THOUSAND heads on the block. In the words of a company SpokesNozzle… “Ms. Whitman, is trying to build a new company. You can count the job cuts as a part of that.” Remember the classic Vietnam War line… “To save the village, we had to destroy it!” As expected, when the news was announced, Wall Street applauded by pushing the stock price up! Isn’t fucking capitalism great?

Only Ex-HP, CEO's need apply!

british ad toffs go noshing!

I had to laugh at a piece in today’s MAA blog (worth checking on a daily basis for UK ad news.) All about some ad heavies getting together for a wanky sounding Channel 4 program called, “Celebrity Come Dine With Me.” Apparently, four or five famous fucktards who live in the same town take it in turns each night of the week to entertain the others to dinner. They vote on each other’s performance and the winner walks away with £1000. The line up for a forthcoming program will be…

Sir Martin Sorrel

Lord Tim Bell

Baron Chadlington

Piers Pottinger

Poor old Piers, seems to be the only one who isn’t a Peer of the Realm. No ermine for you, mate. He’ll probably have to dress as a flunkey and serve the others, whilst touching his forelock. Anyway, that can’t be his real fucking name. It’s like my old mate, Johnny Vulcan of Anomaly, you make shit like that up when you’re a kid, and somehow, it sticks. On a final note, I wonder what the  Poisoned Dwarf will do with the thousand quid, if he wins? He spends more than that every day having the ashtrays emptied in his fleet of Rollers!

OK Piers, I get 50% of everything, or I stab your eyes out!

 

final facebook foughts – Maybe!

A final thought on “FaceBook-Freakout-Day.” Then I’ll shut my pie hole for a bit! Nah… You didn’t fucking believe that, did you? Anyway, after the GM “I’m taking my $10 million ball home” news, one analyst is questioning whether or not ZuckerNozzle even wants to be an ad company because he’s talking about other shit like trying to connect people. In fact, the word advertising shows up just once in the 2,000-word letter to shareholders prior to the IPO - it's not necessarily a main priority. Yet, back in 2007 ZuckerNozzle began what he promised was going to be the next century of advertising, saying… "For the last 100 years media has been pushed out to people, but now marketers are going to be a part of the conversation. And they're going to do this by using the social graph in the same way our users do." But the wanky Tupperware Party-style social ads he introduced failed to lift off, and the shitasmic 'Beacon' tracking program was hurriedly withdrawn. Last year Facebook came up with 'Sponsored Stories' for news feeds – which seem to me like pimping shit to your “Friends” that they don’t fucking want. Hey… Wanna lose 18 lbs? That’s the hack of the month. It just pisses people off, which simple old me imagines is the last fucking thing you want to do on a “Social Network.” 

Who needs a ZuckerNozzle when you've got a George?

Draft/FCB… Guess what???

OK, as a change from bashing the FaceBook drum… Time to revert to the Draft/FCB timpani. Chicago “Deep Throats” inform me that layoffs start next week, on Wednesday, May 23rd, when seventy serfs are booked on the “We must continue to safeguard management’s perks and drug habits until this entire fucking charade collapses,” bandwagon. My God… Just how long can this fucking travesty continue? Will anyone eventually be held responsible for the biggest clusterfuck in the entire history of the world’s most pusinamilous business? Sorry, I realize this is a dumb question.

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More facebook fucktardliness!

Sorry to keep banging the shit out of the FaceBook IPO drum, but the news that ZuckerNozzle’s empire has has made yet another amendment to its S-1 filing, adding a further 96 million shares, which pushes its IPO up to a potential maximum of $18.4bn. In what is the eighth amendment to its S-1 filing with the SEC. Facebook has also increased the number of shares allowed for over allotment, up from 50.6 million to 63.2 million. In the words of columnist, Josh Fruhlinger… "There's been a steady drumbeat of panics over the past few years involving how Facebook uses the personal information you give it; nevertheless, someday you'll look back at 2012 as the golden age of Facebook privacy. That's because, once Facebook has its IPO, it'll come under huge pressure from the markets to extract more revenue from its business. And with display advertising not generating game-changing amounts of money, Facebook has only one valuable resource: your data, which is going to be monetized as hard as possible." Fuck, I couldn’t have put it better myself. 

Welcome to MY world!

facebook fucks pizza punks!

OK, OK, it’s a given that I like to kick the shit out of Facebook. No, not the actual site. If nine trillion fucktards want to donate their most intimate personal details to the “ZuckerNozzle Benevolent Fund,” good luck to them. I’m talking about its effectiveness as an advertising vehicle. The story, yesterday about GM’s “No thanks, we’ll pass on that $10 million,” might be an indicator… But even better is this story on npr, about two guys selling New York-style pizza in New Orleans. Their operation, Pizza Delicious, is a takeout window in a beat to shit shack that’s only open two nights a week. In their wisdom, they decided to advertise on FaceBook. They invested $240 on an ad… And for an operation their size, that’s like a years fucking profit! Their return was $10, and that wasn’t for a sale, it was donated by some guy who felt sorry for them. Poor fuckers. At least they didn’t talk to Groupon. Meantime, by the end of day tomorrow, ZuckerNozzle won’t be buying pizza, he’ll be buying fucking Italy! Although, according to Andy Borowitz, he’s more likely to buy Greece and have $18 billion left over!

The Global Headquarters of Delicious Pizza!

nose to the grindstone time at J. C. Penney!

With the news yesterday that J. C. Penney just lost a shitload of money in the first quarter, since new CEO, Ron Johnson arrived from Apple, you just know we are going to witness a severe shake up in the marketing and advertising. They’ll probably stick with the new pricing for at least another quarter, as Johnson has simplified it into three tiers: everyday prices; month-long values; and best prices, on the first and third Friday of every month. Personally, I think it’s a great idea, fuck all those dumb-arsed sales that seem to happen every day. Unfortunately, the sale-crazed, shop-till-I-drop consumer doesn’t seem to agree. The ominous sign that things will change is when Johnson said… The advertising is not doing the "hard work" of communicating the revamped pricing strategy. Oh fuck, there goes the Ellen DeGeneres TV spots from Brand Advisors and the quite tasty print and TV from Peterson Milla Hooks… As a senior fucktard from Ted Bates once said… “Hard times call for hard selling.” I can see it coming right now, lots of traditional retail shit with daily Sales-A-Palooza, and big throbbing prices. Obviously, the agencies will refuse to do that and resign the account… Yeah, fucking right!!!

What's that Mr. Johnson... Make the prices bigger - And do 'em in Day-Glo green? Great idea Mr. Johnson!

further thoughts on facebook!

Following on from my last post about the disenchantment of GM with FaceBook as an ad vehicle, Minyanville, lists that announcement, along with three other strong reasons why investors should avoid pissing away their dollars on Friday’s – “Let’s make ZuckerNozzle richer than God” – Stampede.

Its Own Users Don’t Trust Facebook
Three out of five Facebook users say they don’t trust them to protect their personal information, according to a new poll from The Associated Press and CNBC.

The Trust Issue Will Get Worse
It’s a delicate dance for Facebook. As a public company, it will need to keep feeding their fucktard shareholders with more revenue every quarter. Which means coming up with new and more devious ways to gather and exploit personal information they can flog to advertisers. And that risks turning off users even more, not to mention pissing off future regulators of Internet privacy.

It’s a Recession Thing
The AP/CNBC poll also found that half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad. Among them is Elizabeth MacDonald, a columnist for Fox “Fair & Fucked” Business who says its time is just about up. Arguing that Facebook is a recessionary phenomenon. During the economic downturn, many of us had fuck all better to do than hunker down at home and “network” in hopes of finding something better to do, or at least socialize at a distance and call it networking.

I know I’ve said it a million times, but fuck it, it’s my blog… So I’ll say it again… All the experts said Murdoch was a fucking genius when he “stole” MySpace for $600 million. A few years later he had to unload it for $35 million. Nothing is forever, particularly when you are dealing with something as ephemeral as social media. Having said all that, by the end of day, Friday, ZuckerNozzle will be one of the richest fucktards on the face of the planet. Wanker!

So the weasly fucker stole it from me when we were students together at Heidelberg U.

 

GM “unfriends” Facebook!

A word in the ear of all those douchenozzles lining up outside the FaceBook Store to be the first on the block to buy shares when the IPO happens later this week… GM just announced that they are pulling the $10 million in FaceBook advertising they are currently spending… ‘Cos it doesn’t fucking work!!! Wow, who’da thunk that? I mean surely the fucktards on FaceBook are more than happy to click through and buy a $35 K vehicle, because someone they don’t know has just “friended” it. I’m sure that this news will have no measurable impact on those ready to leap aboard the FaceBook train before it leaves the IPO station, but, it’s possibly an indication of the what will inevitably happen when the bean counters responsible for BDC marketing budgets finally wake up to something called accountability. It happened to SecondLife and MySpace… It’ll happen to FaceBook eventually. And you know me… I am never wrong… He said modestly!

We just got "Friended" again!