AdScam/The Horror!

The shitasmic state of the economy, relative to the shitasmic state of the fucking ad biz!

So, here we are on a Friday afternoon, at the end of trading for the week… And guess what? The stock market is up… Meantime, more people are out of work, more people are losing their homes through foreclosure, more people are living on the street, more people are eating out of fucking dumpsters… So, what the fuck does this have to do with advertising? Simple… Every fucking thing… if more and more people have less and less money to spend on shit they don’t need… More and more agencies will be uber-duper-fucked. Hey, this isn’t fucking rocket science, it’s common sense. Jesus, fucking H. Christ… How many times do I have to explain this shit?

Shitasmic... Isn't that a mushroom?

 

Poisoned dwarf causes stock market collapse!

At the time of writing, before the opening of the stock market, Friday morning, all the signs are that it will be a fucking bummer, primarily because last night Dell announced disastrous quarterly results. Dell announced that its third-quarter net profit plunged 54 percent from a year earlier on lower-than-expected sales as it lost market share to competitors due to the fact that it’s advertising was absolute fucking shit. Analysts are saying that the shitasmic “Enfatico” adventure is to blame for nearly two years wasted effort with virtually fuck all to show for it. Michael Dell is rumored to have said “The little fucker conned me!” Dell employees have been threatened with instant dismissal if they ever mention WPP again. In the meantime, Sir Martin is talking to Ford about creating another Enfatico for the re-launch of the Edsel. 

Bonus Kate. 'Cos I'm a fucking prince!

 

Supersizing supermarkets!

Bill Marks and Ron Halverson always have really interesting stuff on their blog. “Empiricism in aisle 11.” Yesterday they had a great post about how many shoppers in supermarkets seem to become gobsmacked when they actually have to decide which fucking bag of pork rinds to choose from the dozens displayed in the hyper-cholesterol aisle. I have actually seen what they describe happening many times in my local Albertsons. OK, it’s not quite the Wal-Mart experience, but close. So, here’s the fucking question of the day. When it comes to supermarkets… Does anyone ever look at those giant fucking TV’s blasting out in the produce section with fucktard chefs showing you how to whip up “Baby’s head in a basket” in five minutes? Naaah, I didn’t think so. Anyway, I prefer baby’s head slow broiled.

T.G.I.F.

 

Gawker does AdNozzle!”

One of the best things about Gawker is reading what the fucking geniuses who post comments have to say… Yesterdays post for a booze ad (see below) captioned “Bad enough the lady is drinking and driving with only one hand because she's holding a (hallucinated?) dragon in the other hand. Also, her eyes are closed.” Is followed by such choice comments as… This is actually a Russian woman in a Russian advertisement. Moscow's Chinatown is much more exciting than ours - Ha. I heard the original tagline was "Premium row-arcohor cocktair." - If she keeps stroking reptiles, she's going to catch Gator AIDS. Lots more. Get your arse over there and enjoy.

More alcohol than a truckload of Bud!

 

Interpublic creates “Fiasco of the Future!”

As is usual with fucktard mergers, the fallout from the Lowe/Deutsch merger will cost Interpublic big fucking time. Zicor, which was supposedly spending $50 million this year, and Lunesta, which spent $111 million last year, have both told IPG to get fucked, even though there was talk of them being taken on by one of the other agencies in the group. I mean Zicam was only at Lowe for five fucking months after they’d gone through a four month review. No wonder they are pissed. Still, it’ll mean more money for the agency searchnozzles. What a fucking racket. Time for another Michael Roth performance bonus.

Standard issue Interpublic keyboard!

 

Kevin Roberts about to shoot himself in Gordon Browns foot!

Mr “Lovemarksnozzle” Kevin Roberts is taking time out from his world wide rugby viewing tour, while staying at five star hotels, courtesy of Saatchi shareholders… To get Gordon Brown re-elected in next years UK general election… Kevin, no chance mate… You are well and truly fucked. According to Jim Edwards over at bNet, Kev has the world’s worst track record when it comes to political advertising. Over in New Zealand his involvement with neo-fascist former prime minister, Jenny Shipley,  earned the title, “Saatchigate,” and one headline called it a “Slippery Slope of Sleaze.” Back in the states Roberts successfully persuaded the Department of Defence to “rebrand” the War on Terror. Roberts suggested name? “The Fight for a Better World.” Oh, fucking right Kev… Would that world be the one where you abuse your expense account in five star hotels and restaurants while “lovemarking” your way through international rugby tournaments? No wonder BDA’s are fucked.

Kevin likes to wear his best frock for new biz presentations.

 

Kate in a bit of “Bovver!”

Seems like Kate has pissed a few people off when she was asked in a recent interview if she had any mottos, Kate said: 'There are loads. There's "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". That's one of them.' Apparently that’s a no-no ‘cos it encourages young girls to become anorexic after glorifying a 'size zero' slogan. I mean c’mon, everyone knows the reason Kate is so fucking tasty has nothing to do with her starving herself… It’s all down smoking a ton of fags, drinking ‘til you fall down, doing lots of drugs, and fucking your brains out. That’s what keeps both of us looking so good, so we're sticking to it.

All right darlin'? Fucking loverrlly!!!

 

Queen declares war on pirates!

UK AdScammers advise that Internet pirates operating out of the United Kingdom, if caught, can look forward to a spell in the Tower of London, followed by the time honored punishment of being hung, drawn and quartered. And if you don’t know how fucking painful and grisly that is, ask Mel “Braveheart” Gibson. At the opening of Parliament today, the Queen warned that people who fuck around with her loyal citizens options for illegal file sharing while sending porn to their mates, would likely suffer the same fate as Edward II… Which was particularly nasty!!!

Ouch... Fucking ouch!!!

 

Poisoned Dwarf talks shit… So, what else is new?

Sir Martin Sorrel Gives us three minutes of blatantly obvious forecasting at the recent AdTech conference on this AdAge video. For gazillions of dollars, the brain-dead audience is treated to the astounding piece of information that if clients continue to spend through a downturn in the economy, they’ll come out of the period in better shape than companies who cut back… Fucking brilliant. Never heard that shit before. And why did AdAge even bother to do a video of it. Fuck me, no wonder everything is in the shitter!

I'm forever blowing bubbles!

 

How are the holding companies holding up?

Randall Rothenberg has a really interesting post on his blog “I, A BEE” titled Is Marketing a Strategic Resource or a Procured Commodity? It’s long, but well worth a read. Lots of good stuff… Here’s just one thing in particular that caught my eye… Holding company operating margins, even factoring out the effects of the recession, still hover in the 10-13% range, far below the historic norms that prompted advertising’s “megamerger” boom of the 1980’s. With the recession, the picture is far more grim. The WPP Group reported operating margins of 7.5% for the first half of 2009, down from 13% during the same period the previous year. Interpublic’s operating margins were 1.7% for first nine months of 2009, down from 5.1% in 2008. Wow, I knew IPG was in deep fucking shit… But I didn’t realize how fucking deep. Time to give Michael Roth another “Performance Bonus!” Douchenozzle.

Listen up, Roth baby. And that goes for Howard, too.