AdScam/The Horror!

More Super Bowl shitasmerama!

International Business Times has a great piece today, “Super Bowl Ads 2014: What Does $4 million Really Buy You?” Why is it great? ‘Cos I’m interviewed in it. OK, some other people are asked their opinions, but we all know who can speak with the most fucking authority. Best bit comes at the end of the article when the writer, Ellen Killoran, quotes me as saying… Parker remains cynical about the business on which he built a career… “It’s a combination of smoke and mirrors and snake oil.” Fuck, I’ll never work again. Ha… Fuck em!

At least Kate still loves me!

Zynga stops playing games!

If you don’t believe me when I keep going on about how quickly social networking sites can implode, take a look at Zynga. Yeah, the guys that created Farmville, Texas HoldEm Poker and ChefVille. Three of the top five Facebook games of all time. Then, early last year, the relationship with Facebook came to an end, and it’s been fucking “TanksVille” ever since. And here’s how fucked up things can get in Silicon Valley. It was announced yesterday that in a last gasp effort to avoid the oncoming icebergs, Zynga is buying British gaming company, NaturalMotion and its 260 employees for a half BILLION dollars. To pay for this, Zynga is laying off 314 of its own employees. This in addition to the 680 people it has laid off in the last year and a half. Who the fuck says games aren’t fun?

I've just created "NunsVille." Wadaya think?

Bogusky does boomtown!

Alex “I have a Shed” Bogusky is in startup mode again. This time he is investing in a Boulder “Startup Accelerator” by the funky name of… Boomtown. Wonder if it comes with shithouse rats? Taking time off from using ScarJo for the world’s most boring TV spot to launch the Israeli fizz machine made in a West Bank illegal settlement, Alex is once again holistically curating artisanal poseur wannabe entrepreneurs. Phew! Anyway, if you think you have the next big thing, you will first have to go through an “application process.” This might involve a question and answer session whilst having tea with the Dalai Lama in “The Shed.” However, if accepted, once Alex’s lawyers have vetted your financial details, you will receive a genuine $25 “Made” truckers hat. 

What the fuck is a "ScarJo?"

Hold your nose and swallow!

So, Noreen O’Leary over at AdWeek, tells us that drug store nozzles, CVS, have narrowed their search for a new agency down to a “short” list of six, including incumbent Arnold. Who you just know, as the incumbent has no fucking chance, but will still spend a shitload of money in a pathetic attempt to hold on to the account… ‘Cos that’s what BDA’s do. Yeah, they spend $115 million, but the work is shitasmically awful. And for some reason, all the TV spots are backed with music tracks so fucking bad; they make the old Draft/FCB “Louie, Dewey & Hughie” videos sound good.  

I recommend a CVS suppository!

2014 will not be like 1984!

Most financial services advertising truly sucks, ‘cos you have douchenozzles talking to fucktards about the same old shit. Steve Hall over at AdRants points us in the direction of the latest travesty… An homage to 1984 by Aspiration, a financial services company that has somehow decided that they can retrofit the classic spot. Funny thing is, they have done the skin-head drones as guys in business suits with briefcases… Which is exactly what Chiat did in 1985 with “Lemmings.” And we know what a fucking disaster that turned out to be. At least in the Aspiration homage, the hammer throwing girl has huge tits. Right up Steve’s alley!

See what hammer throwing can do for you!

No Bollocks from Droga fucking 5!

In its continuing quest to totally dominate all the ads on the Super Bowl by not spending a single penny on ads for the Super Bowl, Newcastle Brown, via Droga5… Yes, Droga fucking 5… Has lifted the curtain on how they almost got there… First the focus groups featuring the kind of brain dead participants BDA’s and BDC’s rely on to make really fucking stupid decisions. Then the retired Star Athlete who will do anything for money, ‘cos he owes it all to the tax man. Finally the Hot Babe star who will pretend to have orgasms every time she fondles a bottle of the brew. These are all great. Yes, they’re all from Droga fucking 5. And yes, I am an AdHo, but still a fucking prince. No Bollocks. 

He was cloned from me... Lucky fucker!

Me at the Boddington brewery. No Newcastle bollocks!

Car Bowl Bollocks!

Amongst the flood of pre Super Bowl ad disclosures we are now being buried under are lots of car spots. As expected, most are expected… Here are three that caught my attention. Kia: The full treatment of the teaser I posted about yesterday, featuring Laurence Fishburne as Morpheus. I like it! Yeah, me, I fucking like it. Particularly when he starts singing at the end. I almost spilled my third martini. Jaguar: An object lesson in how to piss away massive amounts of money on a totally dumb idea. Three great actors walk through an embarrassing parody of Bondian bullshit. Obviously, they did it for the money. Volkswagen: I cannot believe how fucking bad this spot is. Nazi engineers sprout wings when a VW hits 100K miles. Even worse, they fart rainbows when one hits 200K miles. Does this mean AOR Argonaut is a fake name and CP+B has regained the account? 

Der Fuhrer did it first!

Yogurt wars!

According to AdAge a “Super Goop” will take place at the Super Bowl. Chobani, courtesy of Droga5 will face off against Oikos, courtesy of Poptent. AdAge wants you to vote on which will be the most effective spot on the day… which is nearly two weeks off. Here’s an idea, why don’t we wait until the actual fucking day, by which time everyone in the universe will have seen them and so will go for a pee when they come on. That’s why I refuse to vote… But if I did, the Chobani bear (which was real) gets the nod, ‘cos the one using the geriatric cast members of crapy sitcom “Full House” sucks. Besides which, I love everything Droga5 does, ‘cos they get me fucked up whenever I’m in New York… So, I’m an AdHo, OK?

Shooting commercials is hard work!

W+K is having a “bad hair” day!

What the fuck is going on in Portland. I thought the housewife rogering “Lusty Smithy” they did for Velveeta was pretty fucking bad, but now with the campaign for Old Spice hair shit they have a couple of spots that freak me out. Both have rampaging wigs that look like something out of “Hair of the Dead.” In the first, wouldn't the chick in the meeting go nuts if a scrabbling, giant hair spider came across the table at her? Are the other people at the table in a fucking coma? And the second spot entombs a poor defenseless baby in a penny arcade machine. Shouldn't they go to jail for that? At least the “Lusty Smithy” kept his fucking hair on whilst “Smiting.” 

He don't need no stinkin' Old Spice!

Which pill will Kia choose?

As you well know, I am of the opinion that most of the ads on the Super Bowl are merely a very effective demonstration of how to piss away millions of dollars that could have been better spent elsewhere, particularly as they have already been flogged to death for weeks on YouTube, and most of the so called “teasers” are pathetic pimps. However, I must say, I do like the Kia one featuring Laurence Fishburne doing Morpheus thumping the shit out of an old TV as he gets ready to watch the game in the Matrix. I just hope the actual spot in the third quarter lives up to the promise. If it does, as Keanu would say… ‘Whoaaaa!”  

Trinity says... "Do not fuck it up!"