AdScam/The Horror!

Apple to file chapter 11?

It’s official, Apple is no longer the most valuable company in the history of Planet Earth. That descriptor has now reverted back to the Uber-Destroyer of the environment, Exxon. Apple’s value is now down to a pathetic $413 billion. Obviously, this disaster can quite properly be laid on the joint doorsteps of John Sculley, ‘cos he fell in love with the “Newton,” and Ace wanker, Philippe Starck, who in one of the great scams of all time, persuaded GodJobs to sign multiple numbered checks on a Zurich bank, for millions of dollars to design the world’s largest, and ugliest, slab of floating cheese. C’mon Steve… Stop fucking around. Get your arse back here, pronto!

That is one ugly fucking boat!

Argy/Bargy does Draft/FCB nosedive!

With the news today that “Agency of the Past” Draft/FCB, NY, has hired yet another Chief Creative Officer, to replace the several hundred other poor fuckers that have preceded him, I would hope that Javier Campopiano, ex-Gaucho-Pompo-Nozzle of the Argentinean office, has done a deal that will pay him fucking millions to A: Put up with the tsunami of shit from Boschetto, who is obviously going down with the ship, rather than finding his replacement. And B: Will make up for the fact that once you have spent time at Draft/FCB, you are virtually unemployable for the rest of your miserable life. Although, I suppose he could always end up running the Falklands Isles office of Draft/FCB!

Welcome to Draft/FCB, Falklands, Mr. Campopiano!

Shit you need to read… Now!

Have you discovered “The Creative Confessional” yet? If not, get your arse over there… Here are just a few samples of the millions of confessions on there… 

I refuse to listen to The Black Keys because every single person in Chiat Day behaves as if they are in the band

I don't think I've ever looked back and reread a note I jotted down in my notebook.

I think anyone who uses "bandwidth" to describe how busy they are is an asshole.

I spend most of my day watching videos of bigfoot on youtube. Sometimes I take breaks so I can throw things at cars

I have a Facebook account for my dog that I use to "like" campaigns & content I produce for them on Facebook.

I have wished dick cancer on my AE.

Everyday I go to the end of the Internet and back. Its about a 6 hour trip.

I miss art directors who can draw, typewriters, correction fluid and phones plugged into the wall. I miss the big Xerox and the sweet, wonderful smell of spray mount. I miss studio skills and ragging type til 1 am. I pine for the days when advertising was still a craft and not the last stop for all thumbs video game rejects.

Obviously, the last one rings a bell for me!

I know something else that rings George's bell!

Yeah fucking Verrily, and Godjobs shall return to smite the wall street wankers!

So, I’ve said over and fucking over that I don’t understand Wall Street. I’ve also said over and fucking over, that the people on Wall Street don’t understand Wall Street. I mean look at the current melt down of Apple stock, $60 dollars per share just after they announced one of its best quarters in history... But still under analysts' expectations, who think the company is slowing down because its markets are saturated. Which just happened to be the markets they created. You know that if GodJobs was still around, he would tell these wankers to go fuck themselves… And, by the way, isn’t Apple sitting on trillions and fucking trillions of dollars in off-shore accounts? So, who would you rather trust with your money… A dead Steve Jobs or a live Jamie fucking Diamond?

I shall evil your fucking arse!

Poisoned dwarf wants more ugly people!

It would seem that Sir Martin Sorrel is a bit upset, ‘cos Davos has become too “Showboaty” for his genteel reserved tastes. What brought this hissy fit on? Apparently, the arrival of Charlize Theron to pick up an award for her humanitarian work. I mean, c’mon, doesn’t she realize that the sole purpose of this fuck-fest for billionaires is so they can plan behind closed doors exactly how they are going to carve up the universe and kill off all the despicable “takers.” When you look at the attendees, from evil old git, Murdoch, to rancid wanker Diller, to Jamie Diamond making a speech about how government regulations are getting in the way of a bankers ability to make an honest crust (‘Cos his take-home last year was slashed to a pathetic TEN FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS) you have to realize that these are serious fuckers. Sorrell also complained that he dislikes “Davosian” language – before going on to give a textbook example of Davos-speak by using the word “horizontality”. How about wankabilitation? 

Ugly... Fucking ugly... I don't fucking think so!

Will the Poisoned dwarf become a Nain empoisonné - Vergifteter Zwerg - Nano Avvelenato - Enanos envenenados. Or just stay an Irish wanker?

Sir Martin Sorrel, currently in Davos with all the other rich wankers, is rather pissed at Prime Minister, David Cameron’s, threat to hold a referendum on whether, or not, to stay in the EU. His Gnomeship said, "This is a political decision, not an economic decision. If I'm looking at it from the point of view of WPP, it’s not good news.” Well of course not, it means that because most Brits really want to tell the Euro Wankers to fuck off back to their brie, schnitzel, spaghetti and gambas, you might not be able to continue buying all those European companies you need to keep growing your evil fucking Empire. Maybe he’ll decide to keep WPP's corporate offices in Dublin… But, if he does, he can kiss his Baronetcy good bye. Lord Saatchi will take great pleasure seeing to that!

And you know what you can do with your pilsner! 

Braveheart in miniature!

OK… The Super Bowl is coming up. We will have babies, dancing chimps, talking cats, probably no naked Go Daddy bimbos (boo-hoo) and really fucking big Clydesdales pulling fake barrels of nuns piss… But, what we won’t have are miniature Shetland Ponies wearing cardigans. That’s what you can look forward to in the commercial breaks during the Auchentocaloch Highland Games on ESPN 25. Because that happens to be the Scottish Super Bowl. Tossing the caber, throwing the rock, and wearing fuck all under your kilt. Meanwhile, you enjoy the sweaty endeavors of the hirsute competitors whilst shoving generous helpings of rancid haggis (you know what's in that, don't you?) down your pie hole, followed by several wee drams of the peaty essence. Scotland the Brave, indeed!

We had a Clydesdale for breakfast!

Wanky… wanky… wanky!

Have you seen “AgencyWank” yet? Wonderful, it’s been floating around on tumblr for a few days now. Someone sent me the link and asked if I had done it ‘cos it’s a perfect summation of all the shit that BDA’s and wannabe BDA’s spout and that I never stop ranting about. Plus, of course, it uses one of my favorite words… WANK. No, to be honest, it’s not me, but I wish it was… Check it out, it’s really fucking great.

I knew that!

 

Fly shaggerific airlines!

Didyasee that Air New Zealand and it’s London agency “Joint.” Yeah, fucking “Joint.” (But I never inhaled, M’lud.) Have come up with a campaign to promote Cuddle Class on their London to Los Angeles flights. You get to share a “sky couch” with a total fucking stranger for the 12-14 hour flight… And, I assume, either shag your brains out, or get murdered as you cross the world. Too bad if your sky couch partner is an ugly fucker, or an escaped serial killer. But as you get free drinks, you can always drink yourself to the point where they start to look attractive. But that’s also about the time that “Brewers Droop” starts to set in. The whole thing sounds fucking insane to me. 

Damn... She looked hot last night!

Adweek kisses CP+B's ring!!!

In my last post about the upcoming Super Bowl epic from the Frat/Fart boys of Boulder on behalf of Best Buy. I called attention to the tele-prompter in the article lead in visual… As I said, why the fuck do these guys need a fucking tele-prompter for a thirty second spot? This is not War and Peace. Also that the actor playing the Best Buy fucktard doesn’t even have a name… He’s just referred to as “Blue Shirt.” So guess what, the site now leads in with a close up shot that cuts off the tele-prompter. Exactly what the fuck is that all about? Did CP+B call Tim and threaten to bar him from all the latest news about Subservient Chickens, Deadenbackers, Mens Laws, talking VW’s, and all the other embarrassing shit they’ve swept under the carpet over the years… C’MON ADWEEK, FESS UP… WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CHANGE IT. I can’t believe AdScam has that kind of power… Although, in the past, I have been accused of driving people to suicide. But you don’t honestly believe that… DO YOU? HE-HE-FUCKING-HE!!!  

The new and improved AdWeek image... Fuck!!!