AdScam/The Horror!

Tenno heika banzai!!!

Back in my Silicon Valley, California dreaming days, the nearest airport to where I lived in the Santa Cruz Mountains with the drug barons and axe murderers was San Jose. Which they always called… San Jose International Airport, ‘cos they had one flight a week to Tijuana, except you had to de-plane at the border and do the last mile on a burro. Anyway, yesterday the inaugural All Nippon Airways Dreamliner 787 flight linking Silicon Valley with Tokyo roared out over the Pacific, just hours after the FDA ordered a safety review of the new planes, ‘cos bits keep dropping off in mid flight! But fuck, this is Silicon Valley where the future is being continually reinvented, so most of the digerati fucktards on the flight were joking that they were bringing along electrical tool kits and fire extinguishers in case more problems arise, while one said that he had brought along a backpack with a parachute. Sayonara douchenozzles!

Welcome aboard, this is your Captain speaking!

the final nail in the Victors & Spoils coffin lid!

Remember that project Victor &Spoils was given to rename an ad agency (DW+H). Final results below in a message to all those unfortunate wankers dumb enough to take part...

Hey Everyone ~

We know that many of you have been anxiously awaiting a decision on DW+H’s new name for a long, long time now. This project began in August and presented in October. Yet, here we are in January. So please accept our apology and know that this is not typical of how we operate. We pride ourselves on being communicative and timely and respectful of your time. But this baby hit some unexpected snags.

Unfortunately and regrettably, DW+H did not select a winner. After much consideration and debate within their walls over the last few months, they couldn’t reach consensus on any of the 1,500 names we showed them. So the name of the agency, at least for now, will remain DW+H.

We know this is discouraging news. Trust us. We’re bummed too. This was a great creative opportunity that would have been a nice addition to your portfolio. But the truth is, this kind of thing happens in our industry sometimes. No matter how many options we present to a given client – it doesn’t guarantee they’ll like something.

Regardless of the outcome though, a deal’s a deal and we here at V&S are still going to pay you. Specifically we are rewarding the people who had names that made it to the final round of consideration and/or were some of our personal faves.

So congratulations are in order to the following people for earning a chunk of the prize money:

Frank Coelho (Matter)  Jake Sullivan & Michael Ball (Well & Good) Elisha Greenwell (Propeller)  Tu Vu (Samaritan)

It should also be noted here that there are often duplicate submissions to projects like these, so we reward in the order of receipt. That means that even if one of the above agency names is similar to your idea, these folks simply beat you to the punch.

So, there you have it. This is clearly not an ideal outcome, but it is an outcome nonetheless. And one we don’t expect to repeat in the future. Your patience on this has been truly remarkable and we can’t thank you enough. As always, feel free to email us with any questions or comments or concerns.

Thank you. Kate & Noah

I am fucking speechless... Yes me... Didn't Havas pay three million dollars for this unspeakable turd? Let's hope this is the end of all this crowdsourcing bullshit!!!

And the winner is... "Faggotry!"

It’s coming up to super bowl time. Stock up on blow, brandy, and sharpen the chopsticks to poke out your eyes!

Without belaboring the obvious, you all know that when I make a forecast, I am never wrong. Ninety percent of the time it happens immediately after I make my prediction. Occasionally, it takes a little longer… But, eventually it happens: Ergo, Boschetto is toast… But even more importantly, with all the pre-publicity, I guarantee that the vast majority of the Super Bowl spots will well and truly suck. Besides the fact that the Go Daddy  chicks are wearing fucking clothes to cover all their tits & arse loverrrly bits, have you seen that at least half the spots are pimping nuts? No, not head cases or cajones, the ones you fucking chew. Wonderful Pistachios - Who the fuck came up with that name? I would have gone with Artisanaly Curated Holistic Pistachios - is launching a campaign featuring Snooki (the archetypal example of feminine pulchritude) , the Winkelvoss twins (‘Cos they need the fucking money, right?) And yes… Psy, the Korean Gangnam wanker who is the darling of the media right now, and who a year from now it will be, Psy who? Damn. Whatever the fuck happened with original ideas? 

Snooki's like billiards, right?

Introducing the world’s shittiest iPad app!

Remember the world’s dumbest app, CLOO, the one that allows you to rent out your shithouse to total strangers so they can shoot up, and then murder you? Well, someone just topped it. Introducing iPotty, an app that claims to toilet train brats while they watch porn and play war games on the $600 iPad you bought them for Christmas, ‘cos you’re a loving parent who also happens to be a dumb fucktard with more money than brains. As someone points out, the little fuckers will never take a dump if they are concentrating on which alien to zap. They’ll sit there all day stinking the house out. But you know what? You just know they’ll probably sell millions.

Who needs a fucking iPad?

Everything Goodby Silverstein + Partners needs to know about New York City!

A couple of days ago, the New York Times had a piece about Goodby Silverstein + Partners opening an office in the Big Apple. It was the most boring piece of shit I’ve ever read. And it wasn’t even written by Stuart Elliott, the world’s most boring ad columnist. Then yesterday, ace AdWeek writer, Noreen O’Leary came up with a great one full of useful information like the fact that when he was a kid in Yorktown heights, Rich used to throw pumpkins off Croton dam. Fuck, that’s way more interesting than all his awards and shit. Not a word about Jeff’s childhood, he does however talk about “Things like when you die!” Fuck Jeff, you’re not even as old as me. Well, then again, not many people are. But for fuck sake lighten up. Go hang out in SOHO, NOHO, DODO, or whatever fucking OO is current in NYC. I’ve already told Rich to get rid of his Lycra wearing $10K racing bike and get a fucking messenger one. Fixed wheel, no brakes, no helmet, no fucking fear as you dash between yellow cabs as the drivers throw chapattis at you. It’s fucking New York guys. If you need advice, check with me. I know the last half dozen bars you can still smoke in while you drink $35 martinis. And if you’re interested, I have a kimono and a boat anchor client up my sleeve. You know how to reach me, and the Zurich account number is the same. Welcome to New York.

Jeff, the shorts have to go. Rich, the stubble's so last year!

Guy Kawasaki goes ape - produces shit!

I have a whole chapter in my next book that deals with how incredibly wanky most business books are… Yes, mine will be a business book, but wanky it certainly will not be. In fact it will be fucking dynamite. Anyway, I just got a promo email from LinkedIn pimping Guy Kawasaki’s new book, APE, which is about self-publishing… Or, as Guy would describe it, “Artisanal Publishing!” Give me a fucking break. Unless you chopped down the trees and made paper pulp, then hot-leaded the type and finally bound it in unborn kangaroo skin. Artisanal, it fucking aint. Now, this is a guy who in common with Seth Godin has written the same book, but with a different catchy title, about a million fucking times, and what’s so funny is that both of them have blurbs and mini-reviews on every “next-big-thing” business book out there. So, here’s my artisanal question du jour… Honestly guys, where the fuck did you find the time to actually read all those boringly similar books, or is this some kind of “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” scam? 

Why the fuck would you call a business book APE?

I’ll see your two clio’s and raise you a lion!

As is usual, Ace Adscamer Tom has inspired me to post about the long and somewhat sordid history of the CLIO’s. His comment… George, it is rumored, won several CLIO’s under the influence of hallucinogens and uppers and in the 1970s but slid out of opprobrium by saying: "but Evans sold the stuff to me." Isn’t too far from the truth, apart from the pills, several gallons of 25 year old Hennessey were involved. Bill Evans bought the award show in 1972 for $150K and proceeded to milk if for fucking millions, most of which went up his nose and into his boyfriends back pockets. His genius was to invent multiple categories (Now the Cannes wankers have fucking millions of them) Because he knew that CD’s at BDA’s used awards as negotiating chips on the poker table of salary negotiations. I remember that at one time Ogilvy had a full time staff of six ladies who did fuck all but enter shit in competitions. The end of the old CLIO’s happened in 1991 when Bill and none of the CLIO officials showed up for the ceremony, ‘cos he’d spent all the money on Peruvian Marching Powder, and there was only half a dozen statuettes for the thousands of categories. Fights broke out as people wrestled each other for an award. What a fucking great scene. The biggest disappointment of my life was that I wasn’t there to see it. I was in Brazil pretending to shoot a TV spot that would never run for next year’s Cannes. Ha, the good old days. Drugs, sex, rock & roll. It’s all in “Confessions of a Mad Man.” And it’s cheaper than coke!

It didn't do me any harm!

Cry and pat the dog, Lance!

As a follow up to my last post, The Guardian has “Ten Questions Oprah Winfrey probably will ask Lance Armstrong.” It’s fucking brilliant. I particularly loved this one…

Looking back, how badly did the death of your dog when you were seven years old affect you? Looking at this picture of your dog can you feel the tears welling up, the anger coming out? Can you feel the tears for your dog? Would you like to reach out and pat the dog? Pat the dog, Lance. Cry. Cry and pat the dog.

Read the whole thing, they are all great!

Oprah... You might need a bigger couch!

Lance does Oprah… This will truly be a fucking weepathon of epic proportions!

By now you’ve all heard that Lance Armstrong is going to be on the couch with Oprah on January 17^th. This is going to be fucking great. You know she is not going to ask tough questions. When she had him and Sheryl Crow on a few years ago, she truly defined the word obsequious… She almost disappeared up his arse. This time around she’ll have Dr. Oz to explain that Lance holistically hyped his performance through eating lots of lima beans and carrots, whilst drinking his own piss. Over in the UK, where anyone will bet on anything, within hours, bookmakers were offering odds on which words Armstrong would use in the interview, with Ladbrokes quoting 1-4 on "apologize" and evens on "confess", and were offering 8-11 on Armstrong breaking down in tears. On one of the cycling sites, someone has pointed out that Oprah and Lance have one thing in common… Both are, or were, in business with Discovery Communications! I wonder just what the fuck that is all about. I must say, the best comment of the day was… “Audience members… Blood bags for everybody.” Classic! 

You must be fucking joking!

Fuck the “shed” - Open a “Garage!”

When it comes to having an unmatched ability to come up with really fucking dumb names, you can’t beat agencies and their various spinoffs. Frank Lowe came up with “Red Brick Road,” and there’s another shop in Britain, “Meat.” But, I suppose the mother of them all is “Mother.” When Bogusky took his thirty fucking million and decamped from the Frat/Fart boys, he started his “Shed.” Now, not to be outdone there’s news out of Portlandia today that W+K is backing John Jay’s new gig, W+K Garage… Yeah, that’s right, a fucking garage, so while you’re getting your oil and tires checked, they’ll throw in a free viral and a couple of apps. Fill the tank and they’ll give you a slightly soiled bag of Nike, Lance Armstrong cycling gear. In my opinion, John is a really smart guy with a great reputation… So let me ask a really fucking dumb question… Why not just call it W+K+Jay? Yeah, I know, that’s a really dumb question!!!

Hey, a coat of paint, a fussball table, a dog door, and it'll kick the shit out of Alex's "Shed!"