Ace AdScamer, Tom Messner, comments on my last post about the Smirnoff pitch, that more often than not, Smirnoff beats out the fashionable tipples such as Stoli and Absolute. The reason for this is very simple. It’s all in “Confessions of a Mad Man,” but for all you fuckers too cheap to buy it, here are the essentials… When working on the Heublein account at B&B, I did the obligatory visit to the distillery in Connecticut. Apart from Smirnoff (which was the premium brand in those days) they also had half a dozen much cheaper brands with faux Russian names like Relska, Kamchatka, Stalin’s Dick… (OK, I made the last one up) On the bottling line, I was a little perplexed to see that all the different bottles were being filled from the same spigot. I asked my “Minder” what the fuck that was all about… He explained… With the exception of flavored vodkas, they are all the same. Basically, straight grain alcohol cut with water. You can’t color it, you can’t age it. You store it in stainless steel tanks, not of that Limousine oak barrel shit… It’s all the fucking same. OK, a very few are made from potatoes, including Idaho’s Teton Glacier (The Fourth Reich is Spud Central, remember) and Sky is made from grapes (Well, it’s from puffy France.) But, because they are distilled into straight alcohol, this does not affect the taste, merely the tactile feel on the tongue. So, when people pay big bucks for “Stoli & Grape,” or “Sky & Nuns Piss,” or whatever, they are determined to throw their money at, they are shmucks. And when they say they can taste the difference between brands, have them do a blindfold taste test… You’ll win major bucks. Just make sure they’ve had a couple of pops first. It is a scientific fact that after two drinks, your taste buds are so fucked up; you could drink diesel fuel and not know the difference. Never forget, when it comes to booze… No one knows their shit better than me. Herein endeth the lesson!
George taught me everything I know about booze!