Having had a few hours to luxuriate in the truly exciting news that Draft/FCB has finally got itself a new global CEO… I think it only fitting that I should offer some words of advice to the principals involved in this momentous event.
Carter Murray: As I mentioned in my post yesterday, even though you are a mere whippersnapper, I assume you had the good sense to negotiate the world’s biggest package and you had a team of lawyers draw up a case-hardened, Teflon coated titanium contract. It is widely known within IPG that Roth's management style is referred to as "Flavor of the Month". In fact, during his rancid, multi performance bonus rewarded tenure; he has replaced every CEO at his major agencies at least three times. Get in there and immediately fire anyone associated with either Howard or Laurence. Don’t even give them a day to prove themselves, fire the fuckers, they are responsible for all the shit you are inheriting. Close the Chicago office… There’s no fucking business there, so why carry the overhead? Obviously you will want to visit every major client, but that will take time… So, after you’ve spent day one firing all the fucktards, spend day two on the phone calling the CEO of every client. Tell them Draft/FCB has been a giant fuck up and a disgrace to the agency profession. Tell them you are now there as “The Agency Fireman” (You can read how to do that in the brilliantly written, Confessions of a Mad Man!) Your mission is to do that in THREE MONTHS and they should please give you that time to change everything. It doesn’t matter if it takes longer… Just fucking lie. It’ll buy you time! Besides which, everyone in advertising is a liar. Ban Howard and Laurence from all Draft/FCB premises, and Michael Roth should make appointments to see you one month in advance. You have serious work to do; you don’t have time to deal with douchenozzles and fucktards.
Howard Draft: For fucks sake, retire and drive your Aston Martin somewhere. Like Thelma and Louise did.
Laurence Boschetto: You have proven you know nothing about advertising, find something else to fuck up.
Michael Roth: You may not realize it, but Carter is either going to make you, or break you. You have been responsible for the nightmare Draft/FCB has become. Remember, even though you have the IPG Board in your back pocket, nothing lasts forever, particularly those lovely performance bonuses you continue to snarf up. Leave Carter alone to get on with the job; do not take calls from those within the organization anxious to save their own skin. Do not put him through the insanity of “making the numbers” until he’s had a chance to sort out this can of worms. Finally… Always remember… Advertising is not insurance.
Good luck to Carter Murray… I shall be keeping an eye on him.
Boschetto – It’s finally fucking over!!!
Hey Laurence... Shit happened!