AdScam/The Horror!

social media kills!

In case you missed it, according to the retards on Twitter, Kim Jong-Un has been assassinated while on an R&R trip to China. Apparently two Chinese Ninjas (I know, Ninjas are Japanese, but it’s my blog) “offed” him in his hotel room where he was having it “off” with a local “Pillow Lady” (yeah, I know, that’s fucking Japanese too… I’ve read Shogun, alright?) Anyway, whatever the details, it’s just a rumor, apparently the young dictator later played 18 holes of golf, achieving a hole-in-one on all 18 whilst composing a symphony and re-writing War and Peace! But if I was him, I wouldn’t relax too much, never forget Team America – World Police, nailed your dad a few years ago. Puppets always get their man! 

Commies should not fuck with these guys!

Announcing the AdScam “Swimsuit edition!”

In case you missed it, today is not only Kate Day on AdScam, it’s also sometime about now when this years edition of the Sports Illustrated “Swimsuit Issue” hit the news stands. And the most amazing thing is that my mate Steve Hall (who still owes me fucking dinner) over at Adrants hasn’t said a word about it. Steve, it’s the ultimate collection of pulchritudious flesh since the Pirelli Calendar started to happen. I do have to ask what the fuck this has to do with sports… Yeah right, and what does the Pirelli Calendar have to do with tires? Anyway, the SI Swimsuit edition sells one million copies at $6.99 a copy. If they had half a brain, they’d do every issue as a Tits & Arse explosion, with a once a year football edition. I know which one I’d rather look at. Wait… Brilliant thought… How about a once a year AdScam Naked Kate Moss issue… That’s worth $6.99 out of anyone’s unemployment benefit!

Forget the suit bit!

adscam – friday – kate – loverrrllly!

Yes, it’s Friday… And you know what that means, don’t you? It’s Kate Day, and AdScammer “Fairuse” has pointed me in the direction of the current edition of “W” Magazine which features a whole section, plus the cover, on our favorite girl… “init.” (look it up, darlin’) The writer of the piece comes up with the theory that because of her continuing allure – She seems to have been around forever, has ingested every stimulant known to science, has fucked every well known rocker, yet is still only 38 and as tasty as ever – She is doing a Dorian Grey and has a picture in the attic. Whatever the fuck the reason… It works for me. 

It's enough to give you religion!

you can not, absolutely not, hide from purveyors of fork lift trucks!

I posted last JULY about being bombarded, phished, spammed and douchenozzled by people trying to sell me fucking fork lift trucks… Yeah, fucking fork lift trucks… So like, what is that all about? Anyway, they finally gave up. Then, a couple of days ago, I emailed my best best mate, Ask, the founder and host of AdLand.tv, about something or other, and I mentioned that I was no longer getting emails, tweets, friends, fuckards… from people trying to sell me Fucking Fork Lift Trucks… And, guess what??? I am now being fucking bombarded with shit from people trying to sell me… You know what. Hey, OK, I know people on various social media should expect to get raped via all their personal info by the zillionaires wishing to suck on the teat of my amazing fame… But… This isn’t Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, or whatever… It’s my FUCKING email… What do I have to do to escape this digital invasion of my privacy… Yeah, I know, I can’t… But it still sucks!

On the other hand… Naked fork lift truck drivers with big knockers are another matter!

secret FBI files expose god-jobs!

So, the FBI (Fucktard Bullshit Idiots) just released their “secret'” files on Steve Jobs… And guess what they said…

• Mr. Jobs is a deceptive individual who is not completely forthright and honest. Mr. Jobs will twist the truth and distort reality in order to achieve his goals.
• He basically abandoned [redacted] and their daughter; however, lately he has been more supportive of them."
• He will twist the truth in order to achieve whatever goal he has set for himself.
• He grew up in the late sixties and early seventies when drug use was prevalent and experimented with various drugs without being more specific as to the kinds involved.
• Two individuals ... stated that he is strong-willed, stubborn, hardworking and driven, which they believe is why he is so successful. They further stated, however, that Mr. Jobs possesses integrity as long as he gets his way. They did not elaborate on this.

So, there you have it… GodJobs was like most other American CEO’s, except, unlike all the other fucking vampires, he built a great fucking company making great products, didn’t walk with a monstrous golden parachute after fucking everything up… And, wasn’t a hypocritical, cocktail dress wearing, closet queen like FBI’s uber-queen, J. Edgar! Thank God the FBI is looking out for us, or we'd be fucked.

J. Edgar & Clyde... Who're you calling basket cases?

 

proof that facebook can drive you nuts!

As you well know, I consider the majority of people who devote their waking hours to friending, poking, tweeting and telling the rest of their retarded friends on social media what they had for breakfast, and how quickly it passed through their system… As douchenozzles. (Yes, I’m on them to pimp my books… ‘Cos I’m a fucking AdHo) Now, there’s conclusive proof, it can fuck with your head. Seems like a a bunch of high school girls are experiencing Tourette's-like symptoms of twitching, tics, and uncontrollable verbal outbursts. Like saying “Oh My God” even more than they usually do, and attempting to stab the eyes out of all their Justin Bieber dolls. I blame ZuckerNozzle for this. It’s obviously part of his evil plan to expand Facebook’s audience. When everyone in the world has already signed up, if you can drive them fucking crazy, they’ll develop multiple personalities, and you can sign them up again. Remember, if you read it on AdScam… It MUST be fucking true.

Making Chucky's one Justin Bieber at a time!

build your business with groupon... go bust... kick self... Do it again!

A couple of further thoughts on Groupon and why I think it’s fucked, long term. What they do, doesn’t scale easily. To grow, they have to spend a ton of money on marketing and sales. They already use an army of salesmen and are committed to hiring more to contact and make deals with local merchants. With more than10,000 employees already they have revenues of $1.6 billion, while Facebook had 2011 revenues of $3.7 billion with 3,200 employees, and Google had 2011 revenues of $37.9 billion with 32,400 employees. As for the merchants, they are getting fucked. Say you have an offer which costs you $10 and is priced at $20. You offer it to customers for $10. Groupon takes 50% of that and you net $5. Which is a 5$ loss per sale. Say you limit to 500 Groupon’s. Congratulations, you just lost $2,500 to attract a bunch of fucktards who will only come back the next time you offer Groupon’s that will allow you to lose even more money. Is it just me that thinks this whole thing is some kind of fucking Ponzi scheme?

C'mon Groupon... Fess up!

groupon fuckaboola!!!

Well, well, well… Surprise sur-fucking-prise… Groupon shares hit the skids Wednesday night when they announced after the market had closed that the fucktards falling for all that fifty percent off coupon shit had finally woken up to the fact that it was a giant fucking scam. Not to mention the uber pissed off retailers of Hawaiian hot dogs and Feng Shui back rubs, who, duh, realized they were not getting the repeat sales they assumed they would after giving shit away. The Chicago Mafia guys running this dumb operation, saw their share price drop by 15% in after hours trading. Serves the fuckers right. I don’t want to tell you I told you so… BUT I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO… What’s next… Facebook??? 

I will make you fucking rich!

now the secrets of draft/fcb’s awesome fucktardliness can be revealed!

An AdScam hats off to Tim Nudd, over at AdFreak… Who never, EVER answers my bloody emails… But, ‘Cos I am a fucking prince, I shall ignore this particular stain on my family crest, because he has a great piece today about the training rigors douchenozzles fucked up enough to apply for a job at Draft/FCB, must be prepared to go through… Very funny, but, I have no doubt there is a grain of truth buried deep down somewhere within it. Makes a fucking change from “Creative Rumbles” But, I am sure, it will necessitate a visit to the “Corner Gym!” Steroids before the centrifuge, anyone?

Meantime... Back in the corner, we are runing out of fucking rumble space!

The situation in iraq is dire.. Only six chicken wing servings from now on!

Speaking of hell and hand baskets… Did you see the sad news in today’s New York Times about how things are getting really tough for the sixteen thousand staff of the US Embassy in Iraq, who are facing such dire situations as… Within days, the salad bar at the embassy dining hall ran low. Sometimes there was no sugar or Splenda for coffee. On chicken-wing night, wings were rationed at six per person. Over the holidays, housing units were stocked with Meals Ready to Eat, the prepared food for soldiers in the field. Jesus, I hope these people are getting extra pay for working in such a dangerous fucking situation. Apparently, of the 16,000 people, 2,000 are diplomats, the other 14,000 are contractors, described as burly, bearded and tattooed security men, obviously the kind of people you don’t want to fuck with after they find the salad bar is half empty. Putting things in perspective, Turkey, which is Iraq’s largest trading partner and wields more economic influence in Iraq than the United States, employs 55 people at its embassy, and the number of actual diplomats is in the single digits. Maybe we should tell Clint to stop fucking around in Detroit and get his arse over to Bagdad!

Become a terrorism fighting tattooed contractor… Eat more chicken wings!