AdScam/The Horror!

no cream on this peach!

Most of the children of celebrities have achieved what little fame they have by riding on the coattails of their illustrious parents. There are exceptions, but not many. Even worse is that the poor fuckers have to put up with insane names… Imagine being born into the Zappa family… Dweezil, Ahmet, Dive and Moon Unit. Boy, I wonder what they had to put up with in school. Anyway, I came across this video of Peaches Geldorf… Master of the English language. I thought it would set you up for the weekend.   

Ask Peaches!

the queen is not amused!

As you well know, here at AdScam, the primary mission is to keep you up to date with how fucked up the ad biz has become… Hitler Wednesday’s and Kate Moss Friday’s are also important features… Drinking and smoking are a given. But occasionally I feel obligated to bring you important non-ad-biz news, such as this… Fiji is removing the Queen's picture from its currency and may instead show images of its military dictator, Commodore Frank Bainimarama! Actually, his name used to be BWAHAHAHAHAHA, but he changed it when people kept taking the piss out of his fucking name on Twitter after he’d stolen the country. Doesn’t the fucker remember what happened to the “Argie-Bargies” in the Falklands?

Don't worry lads. It's warmer in Fiji!

image-wise… I’m operationalizing!

My new post on BusinessInsider is up… Another gem. This time I rant about “Big Data.” The latest mot du jour for all the wankers that love to talk shit and make up big words. As I point out in the post, there’s a douchenozzle on Forbes who talks about “operationalizing” external Big Data by turning it into internal Big Data. Apart from the fact there is no such a fucking word as “operationalizing,” it sounds like a load of old bollocks to me! Anyway, check out my post… Then “Like” it, ‘cos that will push up my “Klout” score… I have no fucking idea what any of that shit means… But I’m pretty damn sure it’s good for “operationalizing” my image! 

I think George's image is already fuckin' perfect!

CP+B gets clean underpants!

So the Frat/Fart boys of Boulder have picked up the Fruit of the Loom account from Richards. This means everyone gets new matching underwear and fluffy white socks to wear with their Birkenstocks. Even the office dogs get new hygienic kerchiefs. And, in an AdScam exclusive, I am informed that CP+B’s fart problem will now be solved! Creatively, I can’t wait to see their first fruity efforts… Perhaps something really breakthrough, like “UnderCheerMageddon” starring George Takei and Orville Deadenbacher discussing “Man Laws” in their underwear. You just know it’s going to be fucking infantile… And you also know that the snot gobbling ad trades are going to think it’s the hottest thing since the Ozzy Osborne, Justin Bieber Best Buy Super Bowl classic. I could be wrong, but then again, I never am! As “methinksdifferent” would say… THAT’S FUCKED UP!

For "methinkdifferent." 'Cos I'm a fucking prince!

lindsay lohan auditions for “Female Fight Club!”

To make your Thursday complete, news just in that future “bag lady” Lindsay Lohan got arrested early this morning in New York for punching a woman in the face. The brawl happened at Chelsea club, Avenue. A joint she was actually barred from a few years ago for fucking with Justin Timberlake via Twitter. In this video, the star of current blockbuster “Liz & Dick” is heard saying to one of the cops as she is led off in handcuffs… “Are you kidding me?” Ha, nice one Lindsay. Fuck cats and their nine lives, you must be working on number twenty by now!

Mieeeeeooow!

no sushi for you today!

I’ve flown Japan Airlines a couple of times between the West Coast and Tokyo. It was a few years ago, so it was like flying inside a fucking cigar bar, but that was back in my heavy smoking days, so I didn’t give a fuck. The service was superb… Well, I was in business class, courtesy of Hitachi, and the quality and variety of the food and booze was excellent, western or Japanese… But just to prove how fucked up flying has become since the good old days, news today that JAL will be serving Kentucky Fried Chicken as a second choice for their in-flight meal service.
These gourmet treats will include a drumstick, boneless chicken breast, coleslaw, lettuce leaves and bread. No word on whether you have the choice of “Spicy” or the colonel’s “Original” seasoning. Holy fuck, I just hope they keep the sake flowing! Flying these days has become like being on a Greyhound bus with wings. And probably with less leg room.

You got something against chicken?

finally… fucking finally!

News just in from Norway that because a bunch of people went on Facebook and complained that a sporting goods company’s TV spot featuring zombies (Yawn!!!) being counter attacked by wankers with cricket bats and footballs, was “stupid and provocative,” the company pulled it from prime time viewing and rescheduled it for later at night. Aside from the fact that the Norwegian spot is a dead fucking rip-off of “Shaun of the Dead,” wouldn’t it be great if we could actually do something useful on Facebook like getting really poxy TV spots taken off air? 

It's no worse than working in advertising today!

I am shocked, shocked, I tell you!

In what has to be the most astounding surprise of the year, Wieden + Kennedy has been chosen over the “Agency of the Future,” Draft/FCB, to produce a blockbuster Super Bowl ad for Oreo. How can this be? Rumor has it that Laurence “Meet me in the Corner Gym” Boschetto gathered the few poor sods remaining on the Draft/FCB payroll and seconded them to Todd Tilford’s “Adventure Team.” All were given their very own secret symbol pendants (see below) and told to engage in the world’s biggest fucking “Creative Rumble.” Obviously, it didn’t work. Nevertheless, as usual, Michael “I Know Insurance” Roth, awarded himself a humungous performance bonus.

He should have given them an Oreo on a bit of string!

fuck minimum wage… hire a robot!

Over at psfk, there’s a piece about a San Francisco-based robotics startup, Momentum Machines that aims to revolutionize the fast food industry with an automated burger machine. They say they don’t have to worry about hiring cooks because they plan to start the world’s first “smart restaurant” chain where all cooking is done entirely by robots. The company proudly boasts on its product page: “Our alpha machine replaces all of the hamburger line cooks in a restaurant. It does everything employees can do except better.” Wow, that’s fucking great, finally someone figured out how to get rid of the last minimum wage jobs in America. They’d better plan on accepting food stamps at their “smart restaurant,” otherwise the notorious roving gangs of SF homeless will set their fucking Rottweiler's on them!

I eat robots for fucking breakfast!

money mayer puts god ahead of yahoo!

Did Ya see the CNN interview with Yahoo’s Uber-Fuhrer-esse, Marissa Mayer? The one were she says it’s all about “God, family and Yahoo” – in that order. Fuck, if I had her billions, I would have put Zurich or the Caymans ahead of God. I mean between the dumpster loads of money she walked away from Google with, and the fucking dumpster loads of money she got for signing on with Yahoo, God can stand in line (Waiting for the “Blasphemer” emails.) She yacks on and on about mobile… What a fucking surprise, there’s a breakthrough strategy… But the biggest surprise is her voice… Apart from having a Rod Stewart textured sound… A couple bottles of Vodka and a carton of fags a day… She also sounds like a fucking “Valley Girl.” Every statement ends on an up-note… Like, ya know, like, fucking awesome! 

Fuck the Caymans. Zurich works for me!