AdScam/The Horror!

icloud = iphantasy!

You have to love all the shit people in technology love to spout (closely followed by all the shit spouters in advertising.) How long have we been hearing about the benefits of “Cloud Computing?” You know, all your essential stuff is no longer on hard drives, servers, main frames or iToys. It’s floating out there in space with diamond planet 55 Cancri, waiting for Sir Richard to come up and claim it. Or even worse, it’s up on Planet Mungo at the mercy of Emperor Ming. Well, just a couple of years ago the General Services Administration (GSA) The guys who buy $5,000 hammers, said they were going to save $15 million over 5 years by moving its applications to the “Cloud.” Guess what… It hasn’t happened. Why am I not surprised? These guys should be in advertising. 

When I cloud "AdScam"... I shall rule the universe!

diamonds are forever, and ever, and ever!

Did you see how they've discovered a planet, 55 Cancri, which is quite simply a really, really big fucking diamond? Doing a quick calculation on the back of my cocktail napkin, I have just worked out that as much as one third of 55 Cancri’s mass is made up of diamond — which is the same as three Earth masses, or roughly 18×1024kg. This is a few trillion times more diamond than has ever been mined on Earth. In other words, it’s bigger than that fucker Jennifer Aniston is currently flashing around! It is rumored that ace wanker Sir Richard Branson is fuelling up the Virgin Galactic Mining Nozzle right now. 

"Poseur" defined!

just for tom!

It takes a great spud

To make a great vodka!

 

 

Apple is not a chair… It’s a target!

Have you seen the new Apple ad for the iPod? A bunch of iPods bounce around, changing color and multiplying like all those amoeba you used to look at under a microscope in biology class. Some wanker by the name Willy Moon, sings “Yeah Yeah,” interspersed with “BadaBadaba” with a backing of very loud drum beats. Obviously, being an old fart, I have no idea what the fuck it’s all about. But hey, it’s from Apple, and its got a little “i” in front of it, so the AppleTards will sit through snow storms, earthquakes and tsunamis, wrapped in iBlankets to be the first on the block with a purple one. And am I the only one out there who was waiting for the bull terrier with the red eye patch to appear on screen and eat one?

iPods... I fuck them... Then I eat them!

Kev does gastronomy… again!

Kev “I always wear black” Roberts has just published the latest installment of his uber-pompous blog, KRConnect. As usual, there is a sampling of the latest outrageously expensive restaurants he a has dined in lately on the Saatchi tab. One, L’Enclume, with its $150 tasting menu, is tucked away in the English Lake District and is probably only reachable by Kev’s personal Saatchi helicopter from the local rugby club. The other is a bit closer to home, Babbo, down in the Village on Waverly Place. I actually used to live next door, but moved ‘cos of the non stop parade of limos dropping off fucking poseurs all night long. Never ate there. Too fucking expensive. But I have sat at the bar and had a drink, so when Kev says it reminds him of being in the middle of the Italian countryside, I have to wonder what the fuck he’s smoking? Looks like every other restaurant that flogs you dinner and booze for a $300 tab. As for the exterior, is he thinking of Washington Square with it’s population of drug dealers and wankers with giant fucking dogs letting them shit everywhere. Or is he getting confused with Naples? Maybe all that first class travel, expensive booze and fine dining is getting to him… Watch out for the gout, Kev!

Kev, don't be a wanker. Get yourself a "Red chair!"

crowdsourcing cretins will work for fuck all!

As you well know, I never get tired of saying how fucked up the ad biz has become. That’s because every day there’s yet another glaring example staring you in the face. The latest is the news that Burger King is inviting a bunch of agencies (more than eight at the last count) down to Miami to take part in a cage fight to see who can come up with the next “Great Tag Line.” Currently they are lumbering along under the mind bendingly brilliant “Taste is King!” No word on whether or not the contestants will be paid for their time and efforts. And speaking of time, they will have just one month before presenting their efforts at the Burger King Franchisee Convention in November… That’s right, the Franchisee Convention. Meaning a bunch of cretins who think MENSA is the room you go to take a pee, will decide your fate. I’d rather stick my dick in a light socket (Don’t ask!) And never forget, these fucktards are not pitching for the account, but for what is described as a “Big Platform Idea.” Translation: Tag Line. Yeah, we are well and truly fucked.

If you don't like the light socket idea... Barbie suggests...

nike does despicable… sticks with Armstrong!

It would appear that if you are a big time athlete, want to fuck your brains out, abuse the help, treat your team mates like shit, do crazy stuff that would land a normal person in jail, and pump enough performance enhancing drugs into your system to send a fucking elephant crazy… Then there’s only one sponsor for you… NIKE! Now that all the indisputable evidence has been published showing that Lance Armstrong unquestionably gained every one of his victories through doping, that he spent fucking millions on doctors, bribes, lawyers, etc. That he ruined the career of anyone who refused to go along with the program… Here’s what NIKE had to say… "We are saddened that Lance Armstrong may no longer be able to participate in certain competitions and his titles appear to be impacted. Lance has stated his innocence and has been unwavering on this position. Nike plans to continue to support Lance and the Lance Armstrong Foundation, a foundation that Lance created to serve cancer survivors." You fucking hypocrites… Yes, Livestrong does good work, but it wouldn’t exist if Lance hadn’t done all the shit he has done. THE ENDS DO NOT JUSTIFY THE MEANS… EVER. If he had the balls to come out and admit what he has done, asked for forgiveness and understanding, and express a wish to carry on with the work of the foundation, he could rehabilitate himself. But he won’t… BECAUSE HE IS A SELF DENYING, EGOTISTICAL PRICK… And NIKE should be fucking ashamed of themselves to go along with this charade. It’s far worse than Tiger, Kobe, and all the other douchenozzles they continue to sponsor. ‘Cos they are the usual athletes that think with their dicks, instead of their brains. This is a national disgrace. C’mon Phil… Do the right thing. Give Lance a choice… Fess up or Fuck off!

Nike believes in me... What more could you want?

todd tilford’s “adventure team” gears up!

If you want to find out which agencies are really, really fucking desperate this days, just wait for the list of shops insane enough to step up to the plate to pitch for the Groupon business. Yes, the Titanic of the couponing business is engaged on an agency search as they look for someone to handle a “Creative Assignment,” that might even include a Super Bowl ad… Oh fucking yes, when you have a company as deep in the shit as Groupon, you defiantly need to blow millions on a fucking Super Bowl ad. Remember their last one? The epic from CP+B that insulted Tibet? Classic Frat/Fart humor from the Boulder kids. I would hope that any shop dumb enough to take them on would insist on payment up front, and obviously, no fucking coupons. But hey, there’s nothing dumber than a desperate ad agency. My money is on Todd Tilford’s Adventure Team at Draft/FCB, Chicago. Poised to take coupons into the twenty second millennium! Fuck Yeah!!!

The "Adventure Team" has been issued new kit!

the future is bullshit!

Have you noticed all the chat about how the PC is dead, ‘cos from now on, all the fucktards needing to access their Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest accounts will be doing it from their iWank toys, whist getting run down in cross walks, or trolling the aisles at Wal-Mart. Well, it’s bullshit. The millions of erks sat in “cubes” crunching spreadsheets, accessing the “cloud,” or sucking on the teat of “big data,” won’t be doing it on a so-called mobile device with a fucking two inch screen. They’ll be doing it on a PC, or a Mac, if they’re an AppleTard. Years ago, they said Mainframes were dead… Now, they’re making more than ever. You know why? ‘Cos if I’m in a plane at 30,000 feet, I don’t want air traffic control making sure I don’t crash into some other fucker by working shit out on an iPhone. Pundits are pricks. Remember the “Paperless Office?” It never happened, we’re destroying the rain forests faster than ever. If you want the straight scoop… It’s always at AdScam! 

iBags... Now available at the AdScam gift shop!

the chair versus der Fuhrer!

As the number of spoof versions of the “Facebook is a fucking Chair” video continues to grow – With the Irish one I posted about yesterday being the very best so far… Because, I am the “Man with a hook for a hand!” But anyway… As AdScamers realize, I am driven to answer all the unanswered questions of the Universe, just like Facebook. So, what about this… Will “Chair” spoofs catch up to “Hitler” spoofs? Doubtful, there are millions of the fuckers out there. Not a billion, like all the Facebook douchenozzles, but a shitload. There’s even one about me. I saved it somewhere, but I can’t fucking remember where, and I’ve looked when I’m sober. Is there a digital genius (not a fucking Apple Genius) out there who can find it for me? First to come up with it wins AdScam’s Red Chair of Un-Fucktardiness. ‘Cos as you all know… I am a fucking Prince!

Why is this fucking post a day late?