AdScam/The Horror!

get big bucks for parking your arse!

You have to laugh at the fashion shows currently taking place in New York, London and Paris. For a start, I can’t imagine most women wearing some of the weird shit the emaciated models strut down the catwalk, let alone paying the outrageous prices. As for the men’s gear, well, it’s just a fucking joke. But, that’s not the point of my Saturday rant… Have you ever noticed all the “famous” people perched on the front row? Did you think they just wandered in off the street. No fucking way. They get appearance fees, big ones. Rihanna pulls in $100,000 and uber talented “I have the world’s biggest tits, with an even bigger arse to match” Kim Kardashian gets $50,000 for parking her gigantic rear end on a bench for an hour. How this helps designers sell their shit is beyond me… But then again, just about everything that’s happening these days is beyond me. Fuck it anyway, it's time to start the weekend boozing!

I have no fucking idea!

muggles get mugged!

If you ever needed proof that Harry Potter is a wanker, and that he actually faked Lord Voldemort’s death, now you have it. The eBook version of J.K. Rowling’s new Non-Potter book, “The Casual Vacancy,” was totally fucked up on Thursday, the day of its launch. Due to a file formatting fault by Hachette, it was completely unreadable. The publishers claim that a bald, blue skinned guy with big teeth and no nose was responsible., then rapidly exited the premises on broomsticks. To prove what a great guy he is, and to make sure no one pointed the finger at Amazon, Jeff Bezos brought in uber-formatter Severus Snape to sort this shit out. Personally, I can’t understand what all the commotion is about. Every review I’ve raid, reckons “The Casual Vacancy,” is a piece of shit!

Fuck it… No more Mr. Nice Guy!

 

alex bogusky defines hypocrisy… Yet again!

You really have to admire the chutzpah of Alex. News today that he is donating $100,000 to support a California ballot proposition that would require special labels for foods containing genetically engineered ingredients, makes you wonder if this new found concern for the people he made millions out of when at CP+B, peddling shit from Burger King and Domino’s, is dictated by genuine altruism, or the fact that he is a raging egomaniac now living in “The Shed” sipping tea with the Dalai Llama? Apparently, in an email to Ad Age, Bogusky said: "There is no consumer benefit to GMOs.” Maybe so… But there is definitely no consumer benefit to the grease, salt, sodium, sugar, and bleached flour buns that he gleefully pedaled to the masses while at CP+B. An activity that allowed him to walk with $30 fucking million. Never forget, that whilst inflicting the frat/fart humor necessary to sell these intestinal WMD’s, he was also writing a diet book!!! Hypocrisy indeed!!!

“Fearless Revolution” shopper arrives at “The Shed” to stock up on Alex approved artisanal goodies!

must the once great always fall?

In my long and somewhat checkered career, I’ve worked on the accounts of several. once great companies that all seemed to piss away and disregard what it was that made them great, amongst them, Kodak, Xerox, Pitney Bowes, even American Motors… But none of them have fucked it up quite as badly as Hewlett- Packard. Yesterday, Jefferies & Co. analyst Peter Misek said given the failure of HP's $1.2 billion acquisition of Palm and the $3.3 billion in goodwill and inventory write-offs that followed, the renewed push to mobility devices could be yet another monumental H-P fuck up. Meg “Baseball Memorabilia” Whitman ain’t gonna fix it. She’s something like the twentieth CEO in the last six years, they’ve all been a fucking disaster and have all walked with the obligatory humungous golden parachutes. The rot started with Carly Fiorina, who bought Compaq for trillions, then spent the next few years flying around the world in her fleet of corporate jets giving cretinous speeches. Like Meg, she also blew millions trying unsuccessfully to get elected to congress running on her record as a “Job Creator.” No wonder she didn’t get elected. Anyway, H-P is fucked, and as their printer division is based here in Boise… If H-P goes down, so does fucking Boise. So... AdScam will start accepting “Fourth Reich Potato Vodka” donations shortly!

And the band played on!

 

ed on!

 

everything is becoming increasingly fucked!

Apparently, Facebook fucktards can now send each other real gifts. As far as I know, they still do all that stupid virtual shit, you know, teddy bears and dildos? Someone once sent me a virtual martini, proving to me for once and for all something I had long suspected. The guy was a wanker. The list of what you can now send people includes, gourmet ice cream. Now how the fuck does that work… Do they send a Mr. Softee truck round? I mean if you UPS it what the fuck will it be like after it’s been thrown around by the guys in the world’s ugliest uniforms for three days. What with douchenozzles buying virtual manure for their spreads on Farmville, and the People of Wal-Mart buying virtual sado-masochistic sex toys on SecondLife, I think we are rapidly approaching our very own twenty first century version of The Decline & Fall of the Roman Empire. That’s why on November the 6th, I’m voting for Caligula. 

Not to be thrown to the lions!

more guacamole hits the draft/fcb fan!

Oh My God… Can you believe it… Draft/FCB is losing all the Taco Bell media business? And… They have decided in their wisdom, not to bother re-pitching it. Ha, even they are not that stupid. Brian Niccol, CMO of Taco Bell says that the reason for the shake up its media-agency strategy is... "Over the last few months we have been working with our franchisees to set the brand up for success over the next 50 years.” 50 Fucking Years!!! This is a publicly traded company, so like the BDHC – BDA’s he will eventually bless with his business… They can’t see beyond their 3 month noses. Why doesn’t he just come out with it and say what we already know… Draft/FCB is a festering pile of rancid dog shit. Meantime, everything in the Boschetto garden is lovely, and Michael Ross will shortly announce his next “Performance” bonus. Guys… Close the fucking place down… You might get a few bucks for the furniture.

We also have a beat-to-shit Aston Martin you might like!

what the hell is happening in Canada?

Loyal AdScamers will remember my scoop earlier this month on the impending Maple Syrup crisis because some evil fucker up in Canada had made off with millions of dollars worth of maple syrup from a Quebec warehouse! Which threatened stock held in the global strategic maple syrup reserve . Now, things are getting worse with the news that The Canadian Pork Council confirms that the size of North America's pig herd is shrinking, which will lead to catastrophic shortages of bacon. Meaning, your morning eggs, bacon, sausages, black pudding, baked beans and fried bread are fucking threatened! Making things even worse is the fact that there is no Global Strategic Bacon Reserve! We are fucked. What can we look forward to… Vegan Fry Up’s? Not on my kitchen table!

Wot fuckin' bacon?

agency search consultant gets demoted to the worst job in the world!

Did Ya see that Cathy Cohan has just been appointed as “Global Chief Growth Officer” at Y&R? – What the fuck ever happened to “New Biz Director,” Or as we used to call them back in my Mad-Man days… “The Silver Fox.” Best job in the world then, unlimited expense account, limos, Four Seasons for lunch, suites at the Carlyle for matinées with the typing pool. Loverrrrllly! ‘Til you stopped pulling accounts, then you quickly moved up Mad Ave to the next “Old Boy’s Club.” Which brings us back to what used to be the archetypal OBC… Y&R. Ms. Cohan, who comes from being an “Agency Search Consultant” will no doubt be able to tell client prospects she can negotiate their fees down to a bleeding stump by chaining the erks in creative to their oars 24/7. She replaces Chris Hays, who as far as I can see, pulled in fuck all in his two year stint. In fact when was the last time Y&R actually won a worthwhile piece of business? Probably long before Tony Granger showed up four years ago to… “Re-Invent the Shop” by turning Y&R into an “Agent for Creativity!” Yeah, Tony, that worked out well.

But wait... Didn't Tony pick up the "Shreddies" account?

myspace rises from the ashes!

Over at engadget.com they have a preview video of what the new MySpace.com is going to look like… Wow, what a difference from when it was part of the Wizened of Oz’s rancid empire… Very clean, very tasty. Yeah, it’s all about pop music, which isn’t exactly my cup of tea, but then I’m an old fart. However, I hope it will appeal to the “young un’s” with taste, which I believe most of them do. Kudos for Justin Timberlake (I wonder how his fucking boot business is doing these days?) for having the patience to spend 15 months to get it right, instead of looking for quick returns, as most investor fucktards would be demanding. A word of advice to Justin… Don’t let users create their own dogs dinner graphics, and vet their pictures… Ugly, baseball cap backwards macho fuckers doing gang signs are not allowed. Girls doing gang signs are OK… If they have big knockers and are naked. Shit, I think I’m turning into Steve Hall!

Another hard day at the AdRants offices!

Back before the ad biz got fucked!

The latest and greatest post on the Quartz-A-Boola-Extravaganza is up… The end of monogamy in the ad industry… A fucking classic. It’s even got a picture of me before I became a TV star. Time for my third martini!

Me and Kate Moss's mum!