AdScam/The Horror!

Kev creates a “bucket List!”

If you want to spend the rest of the weekend poking your eyes out with knitting needles… Kev “I Aways Wear Black” Roberts has just pumped out the latest version of his soporific blog. Although, I’ll bet he has a team of Saatchi Erks writing this shit for him. I mean, this is a guy who acknowledges he spends 250 days a year out of the office, flying around the world, first class, staying in 12 star hotels and eating at 24 crossed knives & forks Michelin restaurants… Which begs the question, how does he find the time to write all those shitty books about “LoveMarks?” Oh yeah… The Erks. And WHAT EXACTLY does he do for Saatchi when he’s in the office? Here’s a gem from this weeks blog… PS: I’m writing this from the Augustine Hotel in beautiful Prague… a converted 13th century Augustinian Monastery with monks still in residence brewing their 14% - yes 14% - St. Thomas beer… put Prague, the Augustine and the beer on your Bucket list. Bucket list… Fucking bucket list… Would that be the one I use at the top of AdScam? My favorite George Orwell quote… "Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill pail." Oh, and if you’re interested, a single room at the Augustine Hotel is $500. Although I’m sure Kev’s suite is a shitload more… Courtesy of Publicis’ shareholders!

Fuck the Augustine beer. I'll stick with mine!

apple lawyers to sue apple for stealing shit!

As expected, AppleTards stood in line all night to be the first to get their sweaty little hands on a shiny new iPhone 5. Dumb fucks… But, hats off to Tufts University student, Brett Sandler who decided to sell his spot in line at the Boston Apple store, where hundreds of brain-dead iPhone-buyers were huddled Friday morning. He was No. 21 in line, and he sold his spot for $460. Fuck, if he’d been number one, some idiot would have paid him a million. There is no question, AppleTards are uber fucked up. Staying in the parallel universe called Apple. News just in that the company which likes to sue the shit out of people if they even think about biting into a real apple, has been accused by Switzerland's national rail company of stealing the iconic look of its station clocks for the iOS 6 operating system used by iToys. The Swiss claim (rightly, in my humble opinion) that Apple’s clock is a dead ringer for theirs, which was invented in 1944 to keep the inbound Nazi Gold trains running on time. Apparently, the cuckoo versions were not reliable enough. 

No wonder this train is never on time. Steve Jobs stole the fucking station clock!

OOOgah… Ooogah… Orange alert!

Whilst on the subject of politicians being wankers. Did you see that when Mittens showed up for his Univision interview the other day… He was bright fucking orange? Maybe he stopped off on the way for a few Taco Bell Dorito nachos, washed down with a bucketful of non-alcoholic carrot juice. Didn’t I read somewhere a few years ago about some douchenozzle in Britain who was hooked on carrot juice? He drank fucking gallons every day, then he suddenly dropped dead. They did an autopsy, and not only was he fucking orange all over his body, including his weiner… Everything inside the fucktard was bright fucking orange. Wait a minute… doesn’t raging egomaniac “I used to look like Jabba the Hut. Now I look like Alex’s Shed”… Peter Arnell eat 5,000 oranges a day whilst driving around Manhattan in his Pewee Herman inspired “Peapod?” Whatever the fuck happened to the wanker? Wow… Talk about 15 minutes of fame!

Yeah... But the magic underwear is white!

when politicians lie, do they honestly believe we don’t know that they are lying?

All politicians are wankers. That’s a well known fact. Tony Blair, Wubya, Berlusconi, Sarkozy, Reagan before he went fucking Ga-Ga,, Obama since he got elected. Mitt, even though he will never get elected, Genghis Kahn, and my all time favorite, the guy you most want to have a beer with… Vlad the Impaler… Whatever it takes, they all lied through their diamond encrusted, titanium teeth to convince the unwashed masses that they were on their side, and felt their pain… OK, maybe not Vlad. But, moving on, Stephen Foster over at MAA, has a beauty of a re-mixed video of Deputy PM, Nick Clegg, otherwise known as David Cameron’s version of Wubya’s Poodle, making excuses for lying through his public school teeth about promises not to increase student tuition fees. It’s a gem… Enjoy!

There is nothing... Nothing... I can add to this!

mcgarrybowen hits another iceberg!

Guess what? McGarryBowen “The Agency of the Mediocre” has lost yet another account. Fuck, how quickly things change. For a while, they could do no wrong, now it’s starting to leak like the Titanic’s bulkheads. This week's loss is the Marriott hotel account which is moving to Grey. Must be the Denver Viking working his artisanal magic. Rumors that the loss had something to do with Gordon's penchant for dimly lit hotel rooms, are unfounded. Although, I do expect a concerted pitch for the New Jersey Motel Owners Association to be announced soon! In the meantime, I can’t wait to see the groundbreaking work MB will produce for Honda, which they recently won from W+K, London, the agency behind mind fucking bending spot “Cog.” For Honda to make this move is living proof that the only thing dumber than a BDA is a BDC. This biz is fucked.

At least it's Friday. Two for the price of one!

is larry ellison down to his last $50 billion?

Yesterday, Apple’s stock fell $3.40 to $698.70 a share. That’s a massive 0.48%. Fuck, at this rate, it wont get to $5,000 a share ‘til Christmas. Apparently, it’s all because because Apple’s new Maps App in iOS 6 looks like the maps are made out of fucking Guacamole and the FanBoys are complaining. Jesus, what’s wrong with these AppleTards? If Steve was still around, he’d be reminding these wankers that they may look like Guacamole, but it’s fucking Apple Guacamole, and they should consider themselves blessed to be paying through the fucking nose for it. Meanwhile, over at Oracle, Larry “Ninja” Ellison saw his net worth drop a few billion when the company announced lower sales and the stock dropped an equally massive 0.53%. Word on the street is that Larry has cancelled the order for his new “Starship Galactica,” and is trying to return Lanai, the island in Hawaii he just bought for $600 million. Oh yeah, and he’ll fire a shitload of people, then go for a sail in the Bay.

Larry’s Rising Sun. He got rid of it ‘cos it was too big to dock in most marinas. But he’s still got several more.

adage does indecipherable ad-chat… yet again!

OK… On my various feeds, connections, friending, bullshit, piped-in, pay attention, whatever… This just popped up on my AdAge feed… Weight Watchers' Jessica Simpson Ad Upsets Apple's iPhone 5 on Viral Chart. Sorry guys, I have no fucking idea what this is all about. Yes, I could have read the article… But I still wouldn't have had any idea what it was about, and I was working on my third “Mad Man” pre lunch Martini at the time… So, listen up AdAge, I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have had any interest in the subject matter you are pimping. Sincerely Rance baby, a word of advice, Sell AdAge to Trump or the Poisoned Dwarf. Fucking cash out. Your 58 grandkids will bless you for it. ‘Cos you’ve engineered the greatest journalistic scam since the 18th century… Reporting on a business you’ve never actually worked in. Kudos!!!

I forgot yesterday was "You-Know-Who's" Wednesday, sorry, mein Fuhrer. Tomorrow it's Kate!

 

michael roth talks shit… Again!

Worried about the current state of the ad biz? Fugedaboutit… Michael “I Know Insurance” Roth isn’t. Speaking at the Goldman Sachs Communacopia Conference (who the fuck game up with that doozy?) He said that even though Google and Facebook would like to encroach on some of the services provided by agencies, “They won’t be agnostic, and that’s what we provide, meaning an unbiased view and guidance about how marketers should spend ad budgets, as well as coming up with “big ideas” for content and messaging across all channels.“That’s our value added.” This from the head of a rancid BDHC who’s crown jewel is Draft/FCB. The “Agency of the Future” which only adds value to its senior management’s bank accounts and who’s idea of a “Big Idea” is “The 6.5 Seconds That Matter.” But the best bit was when he said he would like to see the adoption of a “Pay-For-Performance” compensation model for Interpublic agencies… He’s fucking joking… Right? 

Bad news I'm afraid, Mr. Roth!

 

the most interesting adscammer in the world!

I will admit that four years ago I stood in the snow at 5.00AM in the morning, here in Boise, freezing my nuts off waiting for Senator Obama to give a campaign speech in Idaho (The Fourth Reich) Most candidates would have said fuck that, this is “Palin Country.” Full of Uni-Bombers and Survivalists. He didn’t, and it was worth the wait… I am however surprised that someone is now impersonating me at a fund raiser for President Obama in Vermont. Yes, a person of dubious character is pretending to be “The Most Interesting Mad Man in the World.” This will not stand… There is only one… And you all know who that is! 

See what I mean?

Modesty forbids me saying more!

worst ad account in america goes into review!

News that the Proctor & Gamble Gillette shaving, deodorant and body wash biz - Didn’t that used to be cologne? I suppose that’s not fucking macho enough these days – is up for grabs, will undoubtedly lead to a feeding frenzy amongst the BDA’s and their master BDHC’s. It’s been at BBDO for 81 years! (It was won by Clyne Maxon in 1931. They were bought by BBDO in 1966) Not only is this a record for its longevity, it’s also a record for the longest period of consistently shitasmic advertising. Hey, it’s P and fucking G, waddaya expect? Even though the review will last for months, and the contenders will jump through flaming hoops (“Teams” anyone?) whilst spending a fucking fortune. The client has asked for sweeping strategic and spec creative pitches from the contestants. Ka-Fucking-Ching!!! Word on the street is that Wieden + Kennedy are the favorites. Which would mean they will have to resign Old Spice to handle it… Shit, I just realized… That’s why the latest Old Spice work is so shitty… They are in training for Gillette. That’s clever, fucking clever! Meantime, P&G has said that BBDO will be allowed to spend a few millions in an obviously futile effort to re-pitch the account… And you know they fucking will. That’s why BDA’s have a “D” in their name. 

What? What? Fucking What?