AdScam/The Horror!

would you like to super-size that broccoli?

Did you see the news last week that McDonald’s is opening it’s first all vegetarian fast food joint? And no, it’s not in Berkley or Park Slope, it’s in India…. Don’t forget, over there, all cows are “Holy Cows.” So you can’t eat the fuckers. Instead of ordering Big Macs, the locals will be asking for “Big Turnips,” or something. Won’t make much difference, everything Mickey D’s sells still tastes like shit. I wonder if the Indian lawyers the Poisoned Dwarf is taking legal action against will end up working there after Sir Martin’s army of fucking legal eagles take them to the cleaners ‘cos of their lap dancing “frivolities?” Maybe they could go in with Boyko and open an Indian branch of “Rick’s Cabaret.”

It used to be called VCU!

sir martin sorrell proclaims innocence. Says it was all a joke, Me’Lud!

Staying with the Poisoned Dwarf, Sir Martin is now asking a New York court to dismiss a deformation suit a bunch of Indian lawyers is bringing against him. Sorrell claims it is frivolous (funny when you consider how many frivolous law suits Sorrell has chucked around over the years.) and that the lawyer in question has proven himself to be frivolous, ‘cos he is a regular at New York strip club, Ricks Cabaret – Fuck, so that’s what Boyko is up to these days! Well it seems to me, if that disqualifies you from engaging in serious business, they should close Wall Street down. Sorrell claims that when he accused the lawyers of attempting to “extort” money in the form of a settlement on behalf of their client, NDTV, that was just an opinion, and not stated as fact. Sounds fucking libelous to me, but what the hell do I know, I’m not a lawyer, thank God. Oh, wait a minute… But I do know everything, as well as being a fucking prince!

Sorry Me'Lud... You can't ride your motor bike in that!

wpp creates “Team-profligacy!”

My mate, Stephen Foster, over at MAA, informs us that the Poisoned Dwarf is gathering 60 of WPP’s most senior executives for a week long luxury pow-wow at an undisclosed West Coast location. Knowing the way these fuckers spend money on themselves, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re renting the Hearst Castle at San Simeon. Shit, this whole thing is going to cost a few thousand layoffs. Remember when they flew all the senior wankers out to Beijing for a week at the 2008 Olympics? Someone worked out it cost about $10 million or so. Stephen reckons this is all about rallying the troops to make more money (Nothing new there.) As the WPP growth rate is falling to levels that may endanger the daily fresh flowers for the Gramercy Park Love Nest. Fuck that… Get rid of some erks. Mind you, “His Gnomeship” could hold the thing in Detroit or Newark and save a few bob.. But then, that’s not the way BDHC’s do things, is it? Igor… It's getting chilly in here. Put some more creatives on the fire, will you. 

I'm starting "Team Kate." just two members!

Oink–Oink!

OK, enough of this advertising bullshit, did you realize we are facing a global catastrophe that could possibly lead to the extinction of the human race. According to the BBC, a drought-hit US maize harvest is forcing up cereal prices worldwide, which is prompting a sharp rise in the cost of pig nosh. Ergo: A GLOBAL BACON SHORTAGE! Which, in turn could lead to BACON RIOTS as pork addicts attack supermarkets to satisfy their cravings. We can also expect to see pig farmers behind electrified fences, wielding bazookas as they fight off ravenous mobs of bacon lovers armed with knives, forks and frying pans. Not to worry, I saw this possible scenario coming some time ago and invested in a “bacon mine” in the Idaho wilderness. I shall soon be setting up the “AdScam eBacon Store,” offering artisanaly, curated hams, bacon, pies, trotters and black puddings. All obviously “Organic,” all obviously outrageously priced. I am now officially a Pork-Ho!

Just make sure you get it from AdScam!

why being big can be a bastard!

Did you see that just a few short weeks after winning the Farmer’s Insurance account, Omnicom’s PHD has been forced to resign the business ‘cos Omnicom’s OMD and DDB already handle State Farm, and obviously State Farm told Omnicom to stop being a douchenozzle and get rid of the competition. Apart from proving that belonging to a BDHC is like willingly donning a fucking straight jacket and asking to be beaten over the head with a two by four… Doesn’t this raise a couple of obvious questions? Why didn’t PHD check with the bean counters at Omnicom that it would be OK to pitch the Farmer’s account? If they did, why didn’t Omnicom clear it through State Farm, or did they just hope State Farm wouldn’t fucking notice? And finally…Of particular interest to the Omnicom bean counters… How much money did PHD piss away, pitching for an account they shouldn’t have gone after in the first place? All of which proves, selling your BDA to a BDHC will eventually come back and bite you in the arse. Plus, this provides further support for my theory that the ad biz has turned to shit and is now run by idiots. And, as you know, I am never wrong!

What's wrong with "BIG?"

McDonald’s does a bogusky!

As of Monday, whenever you walk into a McDonalds, you will be looking at those big florescent menus over the serving areas that will now contain the FULL calorific values of all the various kinds of exploding liver/heart/spleen shit they sell. Before ordering your Big Mac, big fries and 64 gallon colored chemical fizz-drink, you will be made aware that you are consuming enough calories to feed a small African nation for a week. But fuck ‘em, that’s Africa, which is somewhere in Europe, and don’t we send them billions in aid that they could use to buy Big Macs with, instead of all those tanks and planes and shit General Dynamics make them buy? Anyway, this is America, we can do what the fuck we want… Like writing diet books whilst handling the Burger King account… It’s a free/fat country.

Professor Kolstad prefers "In-n-Out" Burgers!

CP+B… stuns with Another huge campaign!

As usual, today’s ad column in the New York Times features news on a campaign for a rather boring and inconsequential brand that no one gives a fuck about… Grey Poupon, the faux Dijon mustard, which is as close to real mustard from Dijon, as Domino’s “Artisanal” pizza is to fucking pizza from Pisa. Funnily enough, both faux accounts are handled by CP+B, the Frat/Fart kiddies from the Boulder faux ad agency. I used to work on the fake frog “mutard” back in my Mad Man days. It was made in giant stainless steel tanks in Hartford, Connecticut. And yes, they did use white wine in the “artisanal” process. But the wine was the shit they bought from a Brooklyn battery acid manufacturer. (Just made that bit up, but it certainly tasted like it.) Anyway, the NYT column is stuffed with mind numbing facts such as US Condiment, sales and usage figures, and the revelatory information that most condiments are used to enhance the flavor of food… Who the fuck would have thought that? But the best bit is the disclosure that last year, Grey Poupon spent a massive $36,000 on advertising. Shit, that won’t buy you even half a shed in Boulder!

Grey Poupon my arse!!!

how to make a fortune in advertising… And where is tom’s yacht?

Just to prove that you don’t have to be the CEO of a criminal organization such as a BDHC to make millions and live like a rajah… Jim Edwards over at BusinessInsider has a funny piece about Bob Schmetterer’s 80-Foot yacht, the Blue Moon, that burns 100 gallons of fuel an hour, which is a mere $300 an hour. There’s a slide show of the huge yacht, including one showing it moored with a smaller yacht tied up to it. I assume this is what you use to get to the main boat. There’s also a picture of Bob’s pet dog relaxing in it’s own stateroom. Man, peddling all those MCI long distance services certainly paid off for MVBMS… Not for me though when I freelanced there. I don’t even have a fucking canoe. (Actually, in truth, they were one of the better payers in New York.) But that leads me to the question of the day… Where the fuck does Ace AdScammer, Tom Messner, keep his yacht? Perhaps on his private Caribbean island… Or, in a giant safety deposit box in his Zurich bank. C’mon Tom, fess up. We promise to keep it secret.

Does Volvo make yachts?

Wieden + Kennedy does an Old Spice wank!

What the fuck is going on at Wieden & Kennedy? First the truly shitasmic work for Velveeta, the “cheese” made from recycled Viet Cong flip flops, initially featuring the Smithy fucking heated housewives over his red hot anvil, then the toy helicopter salesman that eats Mac & Cheese whilst riding up and down on a fucking escalator. Now they’ve screwed up Old Spice with the new Greg Jennings fuck up featuring midgets in dog suits and wankers dressed as trees. It’s fucking dumb. Even worse, the way Jennings holds the can of Old Spice shit… Front and center, mid screen, in your face. The same way men’s toiletries have insulted audiences for fucking years. No doubt in the next spot, he splashes it on, and the dog fucks his leg. Jesus… Is anyone doing anything worthwhile these days?

Benito. For fucks sake get some Old Spice under-arm shit!

the low down on the godaddy go-down!

Apparently the massive outage at GoDaddy yesterday, was not the result of hackers, or as I posted yesterday, Danica Patrick pulling the plugs at the server farms… It was simply ‘cos GoDaddy’s network fucking failed! In the word’s of interim CEO Scott Wagner, (Bob Parsons is away slaughtering defensive elephants from his nuclear helicopter) “We have determined the service outage was due to a series of internal network events that corrupted router data tables. Once the issues were identified, we took corrective actions to restore services for our customers and GoDaddy.com. We have implemented measures to prevent this from occurring again.” Oh yes Scott… Internal Network Events… That’s geek-speak for fuck-ups. Who in their right mind would have their Web site hosted by GoDaddy? 

Danica... That's a bit naughty!