AdScam/The Horror!

“Woz” says iPhone is a piece of shit!

Legendary Apple co-founder and ace Segway polo player, Steve Wozniak isn’t letting ancient shit like that cloud his judgment when it comes to evaluating what’s fucking hot in smartphone technology. In an interview guaranteed to drive Apple fanboys fucking nuts, "Woz"said Google’s Android OS in many ways outperforms the iPhone's iOS operating system. "My primary phone is the iPhone," Wozniak told The Daily Beast's Dan Lyons. "I love the beauty of it. But I wish it did all the things my Android does, I really do." Besides which, I can’t get a signal when I’m in the ten million dollar dinosaur cave I built for the kids. And when I duct tape it to the handlebars of my Segway, the fucker keeps falling off. Sorry Steve, it looks great, but it’s still an expensive piece of shit!

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Once again... AdScam delivers the goods!

 

Bing is now for Fuck-ing!!!

So, the hotly awaited new campaign for Microsoft’s Bing search engine will debut this Sunday on a wanky NFC gorilla game. Ad aficionados will remember that MS pulled the plug on JWT, who in my humble fucking opinion, did some great work to launch the product. But hey. Ty & Rosie, fled the coop, and after waiting ‘till their non-compete ran out, picked up the business for their new company… Co-Collective… An Artisanal, Curative, Crowd Sourcing Wank Fest… Or something. Anyway… Their new shit is now out… Guess what… It’s about fucking snowboarders recovering from severe injuries (Oooops, bad timing guys, didn’t one just cash in her chips this week?) Sorry if that upsets anyone, but… It’s a totally expected kinda spot that we are going to be buried in this summer with the Olympics… And, it has fuck all to do with the product. Apparently the following campaign from Razorfish, via Co-Collective, will feature even more winter sport fucktards… To which I have to say… Again… What the fuck does that have to do with a search engine by the name of Bing… Yeah, I know… “Bing is for doing!” So… Fucking So??? 

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And this has fuck all to do with Bing either... But, it's my blog, and it's Friday!

 

 

truth in advertising & politics!

If there’s one occupation more mealy mouthed, pandering and fucked up than the ad biz… It’s politics. Did you see the news that if “Newt” becomes the next President of the USA, he will ask Sarah Palin to play a “major role” in his administration! Yes folks, and then he went on to say… “I’m just delighted that she and Todd have been so supportive of my candidacy. And they recognize that, you know, I’m a Tea Party Reform conservative. I’m not part of the Washington establishment.” OK, many is the time when as part of my illustrious career in advertising, I have embroidered and embellished my statements, yes, even lied a bit. But this fucker takes the Golden Dildo Award. The former speaker is not part of the Washington establishment, indeed. But he is a fucking douchenozzle!

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FucktardNozzle!!!

 

O.M.G… Google!

It’s either a big deal, or it means fuck all. But after Google announced results yesterday, the stock fell by ten percent. It would seem that the big drop in earnings was caused by a slump in pricing in its search ad biz. Plus, slowing growth internationally and a jump in costs may force Sergei and Larry to put this weeks Jumbo Jet order on hold. Yes, we know that the hammock hooks have popped out of the ceiling in the current one, but fuck it guys, what do you think duct tape is for? So far, no reports of billionaires throwing themselves of the roof off the GooglePlex as they realize they are down to their last hundred million. Maybe the Wizened of Oz will buy it… Tell him it’s a Twitter app, or some shit like that. He won’t know the fucking difference. Anyway, he wants to kill Google, just like he did with MySpace. What a Wanker!

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Whaaa???

 

Nazi… Nazi… Nazi… Alert!!!

Loverrrrllly AdScamer, Clemenza” has pointed me in the direction of a rather startling piece of news… Apparently, Poland is looking for an investor to turn the "Wolf's Lair" of Der Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler into a tourist attraction. Gott im Hell, what the fuck is das abut… Is nothing sacred??? The ruins of Der Fuhrer’s fortress complex, deep in the fetid woodlands of northeastern Poland, is famed as the site of an assassination attempt on Hitler by Tom Cruise, while wearing a tin foil hat, and pretending to be Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg in a 2008 film starring Donald Duck. Is nothing fucking sacred any more? What’s next… “Motherfucking Space Nazi” flying saucers on the dark side of the moon? Shit… I hope so!

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It's fucking Friday... And better than Tom Cruise!!!

 

More Interpublic doo-doo!

Blame me for being somewhat repetitive, but, I do like to repeat comments from the more erudite AdScamer’s. And this one in particular, from Tom, AdScamer extraordinaire, caught my eye in reference to my Delany post about the shenanigans going on over at Interpublic… Although, full disclosure, I believe the "other" Tom, has scored a mighty couple of hundred bucks on his recent minor investment in IPG stock. But, moving on. Here is what Tom had to say… Roth has a dilemma. He knows he has to fire both Boschetto at Draft and Brien at McCann. But can he acknowledge his past mistakes in personally putting such inept losers in charge of his biggest agencies? Would Martin Sorrell or John Wren promote such incompetent jerks to big jobs? So what will Roth do? Absolutely nothing as usual. The stock is a dog and the company behind it is laughable. And Larry Boschetto and Nick Brien continue to spin disaster. What more can I say? Fuck all, God bless the erudite AdScamers who never fail to deliver!!!

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Insurance-are-Us!

 

 

 

neuro-nozzling explained!

One thing you quickly realize when you’ve been in the world’s most fucked up business as long as I have… It’s all been done before, and it’s usually been done better. Now we’re starting to get hit over the head with a big shitty “Neuromarketing” stick. I posted about it a couple of days ago, “Hard, Clean, Bullshit!” in reference to a fucking groveling AdAge piece. It’s exactly like the pseudo-science that douchenozzle, Dr. Dichter bamboozled Mad Ave with back in the fifties. As I pointed out in “The Ubiquitous Persuaders,” he made a shitload of money telling ad agencies that women held their cigarettes upright so they could imagine them as a penis. He also told Matel to give Barbie bigger tits. The “Peepy Dicky” guy in Putney Swope was modeled on him. Tom sums it up well in his comment… “Today, it appears "branding" has become an objective, with selling stuff a possible side-effect. Branding, too, is so much cleaner than selling and seems to create an intrinsic value that agencies and brand management can claim credit for.” You certainly got that fucker right, Tom!

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Beer is "Peepy Dicky." That will be $50K!

 

amazon Just jumped my shark!

Loyal AdScamers know that I am now doing a weekly column on BusinessInsider… I do it for fucking FREE, even though they don’t let me say fuck, douchenozzle, or wanker, ‘cos I am a prince. Anyway, I did one yesterday about a recent less than satisfactory experience with Amazon. Get your arse over there and read it. I was, in general, complimentary about Amazon service, which has always been superb. However, I had a recent bad experience, after they had ASKED ME FOR FEEDBACK. Within hours, I had half a dozen comments from people calling me a TWAT for complaining! One even said… “I think you need to check your hubris at the door.” That’s right, complaining is now called FUCKING HUBRIS! Then I read the comments, and realized they all sounded suspiciously alike. Am I getting paranoid, or is there some fucker in an Amazon call center in Bangladesh pounding this shit out?

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Hi, this is Jeff Bezos. How may I help you?

 

Michael Roth taught Italian cruise ship captain everything he knows!

Some of my AdScamers are either fucking rich, or because they work for a BDA or a BDC, have wangled a subscription to the Delaney Report, which is a rather cleaned up edition of AdScam. You have to love today’s edition… See below. Apparently the pressure is on Michael “I know insurance” Roth, to dump McCann CEO, Nick Brien, ‘cos he’s fucking up… Since when has that been a reason to fire an IPG, BDA, CEO? You have to love the bit at the bottom… “What’s IPG’s board waiting for?” Maybe for Howard and Laurence to do the honorable thing and fall on their swords? Ooops, misuse of the word “Honorable.” Then again, if the IPG board had any balls, they would get rid of Roth before he turns IPG into an Italian cruise ship. Lifeboats anyone?

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Best place to buy a Jeddah Julep!

You have to laugh at the piece in USAToday (the fucktards’ who did the Ron Paul link fuck up the other day) Who have a feature on the world’s worst and best airports. Yeah, we know, they all fucking suck. But, one of the worse is Delta’s Terminal 3 at JFK (why am I not surprised?) Which is summed up by this… "There's a sense that the cleaning crew gave up in despair a while ago." Fuck, you could say that about every plane, train and bus station in the Big A. Anyway, try not to blow your third martini out of your nose when you read this… Apparently, the world's best, is Hajj Terminal at King Abdul Aziz International Airport in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. It covers 120 acres and is only open during the six-week Hajj, when millions of Muslims make a pilgrimage to Mecca. Which means, that in the entire 120 acres… There’s nowhere you can get a fucking drink! Screw that. I’ll settle for a crappy old shithouse like Terminal 3 at JFK. Even though the martinis cost an arm & a leg.

What's your pleasure, Prince?