AdScam/The Horror!

bestbuy’s best fucking offer!

In the never ending realm of “You Can’t Make This shit Up.” News today that BestBuy has just fired its CEO, ‘cos the place is sinking faster than the fucking Titanic - Today is the 100th anniversary of the demise of the “Ocean Liner of the Future,” because a big fucking iceberg knocked down the walls and blew up the silos whilst the passengers and crew were engaged in an early version of a Draft/FCB “Creative Rumble.” BestBit of the BestBuy news is that all the NewsNozzles are talking about the companies problems, whilst no one is talking about the fact that their advertising SUCKS. As and when they hire a new CEO… Here’s some FREE advice for the chucklehead. Tell the Frat/Fart boys in Boulder to fuck off. It’s simple. CP+B has a track record of failure. Take ‘em behind Alex’s Shed and put the miserable fuckers out of their misery by blowing their brains (brains... ?) out. Then, “Crowdsource” AdScam, and I’ll sort your problems out with Jenny, the scary lady from McKinney. I’ll even get “Liz” to bring the dog with the bandana along. And I promise… I’ll leave “Glistening” Tracy in the Coliseum.  

Here at AdScam, we concentrate on only doing "glistening" female gladiators on Friday!

“The Pitch.” The review - Part one!

So, I’m watching the preview of AMC’s “The Pitch.” It lasts for 43 minutes. I’ve only managed to watch just over half of it. ‘Cos I have to take a break to get drunk or poke my eyes out with rusty knitting needles, or something. This thing is really fucking excruciating. Obviously, the premise of the show is that everyone who works in an ad agency is a douchenozzle who spends all day “creating” shit. And the reason it’s shit, is ‘cos they pull it out of their arse. No wonder crowdsourcing is such a big deal with clients… “The Pitch” is living proof that even cretins can create ads. Really bad ads.

Here’s my take so far… The CMO of Subway is obviously a clone of Jared Fogel in his “before” phase. The guy looks like Jabba the Hutt. Didn’t whoever hired him think that after they’ve spent fucking billions on ad campaigns about how their food makes you lose weight, there’s some kind of fucking disconnect going on here? On the agency side… What the fuck happened to Tracy Wong? Here’s a guy who was a child genius at Goodby turning out stuff you would sell your soul for, now he’s gone over to the dark side and is doing fucking zombie shit! He also compares pitching an account to being a gladiator, fighting for your life in the arena, and you’ve all got “glistening bodies!” See what happens when you move to LA. Meanwhile, over at McKinney, the world’s most frightened and frightening people have gathered under a single roof to engage in the gladiatorial match of the ages. Liz, the CD looks scared and thinks everything is “Awesome,” but what can you expect from someone who makes her poor fucking dog wear a bandana around the house! Her male cohort at the agency looks like a serial killer and obviously hates everything. As for the team of Jenny & Will… Will obviously is doing the ten year old Michael Jackson look-alike thing… And Jenny absolutely scares the shit out of me… What the fuck is this girl on? Whatever it is, she’s doing far too much of it.

So, there’s my take on part one… Part two will follow when I've OD’ on whatever I can get my hands on to get me through it.  

Even Barbie couldn't take a full episode!

 

Every picture you ever took in your pathetic life, now belongs to zuckernozzle!

A very smart lady by the name of Jill Kennedy has a really good piece on the future of Facebook over at her “OnMedea” blog. Well worth a read, particularly with Facebook’s purchase yesterday of Instagram, the photo sharing app for one BILLION fucking dollars. No secret that this was done just a couple of weeks before they go public and become accountable for all their fucking around. I know I tend to beat the shit out of this, but I have a nasty feeling this in not going to end well. In case you are interested, Instagram hasn’t made a penny since it was founded. Yeah, I know, what the fuck does that have to do with the price of fish. Speaking of which, did you see the price of Groupon at the close yesterday? It is well and truly fucked. I’ve just started to watch the preview of AMC”s “The PItch.” It well and truly sucks. More on this later.

Yeah Donny... That includes you too!

let’s sponsor someone useless!

Who the fuck is the agency for Kia? I just watched a pathetic TV spot for the Kia Soul (What kinda name is that for a car?) It features Michelle Wie hitting clay pigeons with golf balls to the amazement of some fake Scotsmen on a highland moor. Then she jumps in her tiny, ugly car and drives off to the sound of some funky rap shit on the midget car radio. It’s a dumb fucking spot that tells you absolutely nothing about the car, but then again, most car spots tell you fuck all about the car… No, my question is… I thought Michelle Wie was dead. I don’t mean physically dead, I mean dead as a golfer. Has she ever won a fucking tournament? I know she gets a bazillion dollars a year from Nike, but then so did Anna Kournakova, and she won fuck all as well (Nice arse though) And, don’t let me forget Danica Patrick. We’ll all be fucking dead by the time she wins something. I’ve won fuck all.. Wanna sponsor me?

You just know Jeff had her. Look at his fucking eyes!

irish cider is an oxymoron!

Over at psfk there’s a post about some kind of wanky “App” that shows you the correct way to “Pour Cider Like a Pro.” This comes courtesy of Bulmers Cider… Problem is, the company pimping this shitty idea is the one that makes Irish Bulmers... Fake shit which probably tastes like nuns piss. The real stuff is from H.P. Bulmer, and is made in Hereford, England. Real “Hard” cider is fucking lethal, and unlike beer or spirits, it doesn’t go to your head, it goes to your legs, after a few pints, when you stand up, you fall down, ‘cos your legs give way and you get thrown out of the pub for “arseing about!” Anyway, in the psfk post, they show a pint of cider with fucking ice cubes in it! A true cider drinker wouldn't be caught dead putting ice in a pint of scrumpy... That’s as bad as putting ketchup on your tripe! Piers… Pull your fucking socks up.

Piers... Don't let those Irish bastards do this! 

It’s over!

Today’s AdAge takes great pleasure in pointing out that “Young Consumers Switch Media 27 Times an Hour.” As they gleefully put it… It's every advertiser's worst nightmare: consumers so distracted by a dizzying array of media choices that they no longer notice the commercials supporting them. This is all based on a piece of research using THIRTY respondents… So, it must be fucking accurate, right? Particularly as they all wore “Biometric Belts!” and “X-Ray specs.” They probably also had “South Park Anal Probes” inserted up their arses. As usual, the subjects of this research were members of that highly prized 18 to 34 demographic. You know, the ones with no jobs and no fucking money. The old fuckers with all the money sit around on their Barco-Loungers toggling between “I Love Lucy” and “Laurence Welk” whist deciding which million dollar Winnebago to buy. But who the fuck needs their money when you can get all those young fuckers on your brand’s Twitter feed or Facebook page for a micro second,  hopefully before they go off to buy virtual pigs on Farmville. 

My new iPad app for Geezers!

What would you trade for an iToy?

It’s a well known fact that Apple Freaks are fucking weirdo's who will do anything to get their hands on the latest iToy. In fact, in China, they will even sell their body parts. Five people have been charged with illegal use of a kidney after a teenage Fan-Nozzle sold one of his to buy a shiny new iPhone and iPad. Xinhua news agency reported that the five include a surgeon from a hospital in Yunnan province and the ringleader who organized the operation to pay off his racing dragon gambling debts. The 17-year-old wanker who agreed to the illegal transplant last April, is now suffering from renal failure, which means he could drop dead while playing “Angry Dragons” on his iPad. Apparently, Chinese Apple fucktards aren't just prepared to part with an organ or two to get their hands on an iToy, though. A teenage girl reportedly offered her virginity in return for an iPhone 4 last year. Wonder what she’d do for my iCray?

Be carefull what you wish for!

been in any bar fights recently?

We’ve heard all the horror stories about how if you are fucking stupid enough to post pictures of your naked arse sat on a Xerox machine, ten years later, when your prospective employer demands your Facebook password to check out your pathetic postings, the job offer disappears faster than all that money you spent on a useless college education. Well, now, things just got worse. Word out of Canada that "A 28-year-old woman was recently accused of being involved in a bar room fight and arrested based on a thumbnail photo from her profile pic on Facebook." Even though she was on the other side of town at the time, and had a cast iron alibi, the police "read me my rights. I was searched, finger printed and processed.” She spent tens of thousands of “Loonies” to sort the shit out… And it all happened because she was on the “Friends List” for the bar. The moral is, don’t make “Friends” in bars, even if they’re virtual. Better yet, don’t go on fucking Facebook.

Last seen in Canada fighting over a bottle of Miller Lite!