AdScam/The Horror!

Oh good, more political advertising!

Apart from the fact that we will soon be bombarded with thousands of shitasmic ads using an Olympic theme… Ya know… Going for the gold… Team USA… You say jump, we say how high… With everybody from Cars to banks to Mortuary’s jumping on the band wagon… Did you see the news that a decision by the U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco could pave the way for political advertising to find its way onto public television or radio stations. Yes folks, the only refuge from the soporific tripe you are constantly subjected to on most channels, might soon be no more. The decision from a panel of judges said the ban of political advertising on public TV and radio stations violates the First Amendment’s free speech clause. So, can I claim Second Amendment rights and take care of the fucking judges. No… Just a joke. However, listen up… I am a regular contributor to my PBS stations here in the Fourth Reich, but, if they start carrying ads… Not a penny more. Anyway, this summer I shall be watching my favorite Olympic sport… Ladies Beach Volleyball! 

And the Afghan ladies team has arrived!

It’s Friday the 13th… Shit happens!

In case you missed it… Today is Friday the 13th. That’s when shit happens… Like the time I almost died in a plane crash in Trinidad, whilst in the middle of the world’s most expensive TV shoot… All the sordid details are in “Confessions of a Mad Man,” available for a pittance on Amazon, and possibly the greatest book ever written on the world’s most fucked up business… So, don’t be a wanker…Be a fucking prince… Buy the fucking thing now… Anyway, moving on, apropos of shit happening… I have been watching a bit of TV today, whilst trying to program a new Techno.Wizo/DVD/Hypo/Nozzle piece of video verisimilitude. Wah? And, I have to say, even though I have always been honest enough to own up to the fact that most advertising is 90% shit, it increasingly appears that we are now approaching the 99% level. One particular horror was for AXE anti-dandruff shampoo, it guaranteed you would not make hot chicks disintegrate into flaky bits when you shook your tawny mane. Stupid, really, really fucking stupid. Who the hell does this shit? They should be fucking shot, preferably with shit. I mean, after all, it is Friday the 13th!

Fuck tawny... I go for silver... Right George?

the blah of beers!

Did you see the piece in AdAge about how the Brazilian douchenozzles who now own Bud are on a quest to make Bud the Coke of beers? Now maybe it’s a bit early in the morning, and I haven’t had my breakfast beer yet (Which will definitely not be a Bud!) But, wouldn’t they be a bit smarter if they wanted to make Bud the Beer of Beers? Although, when you consider what it tastes like, perhaps they should take note of my previous posts about their pathetic product, and make Bud the Nuns Piss of Beers! Never forget, when Bud was one of the big sponsors of the World Cup when it was held in Germany, (a country that knows a thing or two about beer) the German fans rioted when Bud was the only beer available at the matches. As one Kraut put it so well… “That’s not beer, I wouldn’t even wash my car with that shit!” Apparently, Buds global campaign will use the tagline… “Great Times Are Waiting – Grab Some Buds!” This shitasmic piece of prose, comes courtesy of Anomaly… Fuck… I remember when they used to be a good agency. But that was before they sold out to the LDHC "wannabe" guys up North in the beaver hats… No, not the beavers I mentioned in my last post! 

Then there's the "Kate of Coke!"

and don’t forget the rat vindaloo!

In my never ending quest to become grosser than Steve Hall over at AdRants by flashing more ads featuring giant tits & arse, as well as anything close to advertising that is blatantly in your fucking face with sexual innuendo… I just came across this… A really bad commercial for an Indian product called Clean and Dry Intimate Wash. This sulfuric acid fucker bleaches vagina hair when it gets to be considered too dark. (What would cause that… Rust?) In the spot, the guy looks at his cup of espresso and immediately thinks of his lady friends beaver. Cut to  tastefull beaver scrubbing animation insert. Cut back to live action, now the guy is obviously in frothy latte mood… The girl is bouncing on the couch and has hidden his car keys in her knickers... So, let the Bunga Bunga begin. Oh, sorry, wrong continent. I mean the Kama Kama – Sutra Sutra!

I fucking love AdRants!

business bollocks!

Further proof that we are fucked was provided by a couple of news items in the last day or so…

1: Michael “I Know Insurance” Roth, ripped off Interpublic to the tune of $12.9 million last year. Which would be the same year that McCann lost Exxon and Nescafe, and Draft/FCB lost S.C. Johnson, and just about every other fucking account they used to have. Obviously, this is why Roth’s compensation increased by nearly thirty fucking percent. No wonder why, according to Jeff Goodby, in the GM/Commonwealth meetings, “Uncle Roth” was smiling like a lovable old, early stages of dementia, churl. If I was him, I would have been laughing my fucking socks off. But then, I am definitely not fucking loveable!

2: Will.i.am has been named as Intel’s “Director of Creative Innovation.” The celebrity market gardener, heretofore famous for his delicious black eyed peas, has been retained by the technology giant as part of their "compute continuum" vision, (whatever the fuck that is) which ties in to their "visual life" initiative (whatever the fuck that is) This will allow Intel to piss away humungous amounts of money on shit that no one gives a wank about. But it will allow Intel management to dispense free tickets to shitasmic concerts for teenage members of their cretinous families.

“Fucktards Inside!” Anyone?

 

 

German filth – Mein Gott!

OK… Here’s the AdScam question of the day. All the ad trades are wetting their knickers at the German campaign for a Unilever slimming product, Du Darfst, which explicitly says… FUCK THE DIET! Now we are used to seeing Japanese products and advertising that screws up their pathetic attempts at English (My favorite is the energy drink… “Pochari Sweat.”) But most of Der Krauts speak pretty good English (Not counting my good mate and London boozing companion – The Cartoonist) - So, what the fuck is going on? Maybe they just don’t give a shit. Anyway, the TV spot is mind numbingly expected, with people leaping about and having fun, ‘cos they “Fucked Their Diet!” Although, about three seconds in, there’s a close up of a woman giving a blow job to a piece of pasta. What the fuck is that all about, Ralph? 

Der Fuhrer is not amused!

charlie Saatchi… fucking genius!

Charlie Saatchi has written a book. Actually, I’m pretty sure it was ghost written for him by Booth-Clibborn… But, then again, so was Jerry Delafamina’s all those years ago. The re-issue has the name of someone who supposedly “edited” it, but that’s a load of shit. Anyway, Charlie’s “Be the worst you can be,” looks pretty funny. It’s about three hundred questions, with three hundred piss taking answers. Here’s my favorite… Will you tell me a secret about the art world that will make me feel like an insider? Damien Hirst and I really do laugh all the way to the bank. Oh, fucking yes… Charlie and his modern art collection has pulled of the giant scam of the modern era. Martin Sorrell, who used to be their fucking bookkeeper, must be jealous as fuck. Before you were all born, I used to freelance for Maurice and Charlie, before they even had a fucking agency. Two very smart East End Jewish kids who started with a little consultancy, CramerSaatchi. Then it became Saatchi & Saatchi, Maggie Thatcher fell in love with them, and the rest is history. They built one agency, nearly brought it down with their insatiable appetite for really fucking horrible modern art, castles in Sussex, and gold plated Rollers. But then they walked off with most of the accounts and started over. Now the original Saatchi's is reduced to “Lovemarks” shite. I think I’ll take up art… Got any dead sharks lying around?

I stole this priceless early Damien off Charlie for $10 million. Aren't I a clever little fucker?

cp+b is now on a mission to make old folks look like demented old fucktards!

On the subject I most enjoy bludgeoning to death… Tim Nudd, over at AdWeek, features the latest Earth Shattering attempt of the Frat/Fart Boys of Boulder, to do work that is either totally fucking stupid, or is so fucking lame you are left screeching and stabbing yourself with snot softened, rolled up $100 bills, whilst asking yourself, how the fuck could these douchenozzles consistently come up with work so awesomely bad? Because, believe me... This stuff is intestinally melting, septum burning, testicular warping… BAD, BAD FUCKING BAD!!! There is no excuse for this… NO FUCKING EXCUSE… Stop it. Cash out. Get your money from MDC, go off, build your shed… And never come back again to insult the intelligence of the average consumer. Oh, and whatever happened to the shameful Mac & Cheese Smithy, with the cast iron skillet. Boy, further proof that even Wieden can come up with pathetic shit the equal of other fucktards! 

Mac und Cheese... I shit Mac und Cheese!

How long will it be until bestbuy fires cp+b?

Did you see the news yesterday that BestBuy CEO, Brian Dunn has abruptly resigned following news that he is being investigated because of allegations that he “Has engaged in personal misconduct!” Meaning, he was either doing a “Hurd the Turd” and was dipping his pen in the company ink… Or, he was doing a “Mr. Fun Hadley,” and getting getting more Bing for his buck under the company table. Either way, he’s fucking toast… And so is CP+B in the long run. Why? ‘Cos whoever comes in to replace Dunn, has to look at the abysmal record of the Boulder, Frat/Fart guys, and say… “While our sales are going down the shitter, we can do better than this without paying fucking millions to produce truly shitasmic Super Bowl spots with Ozzie and Justin.” It might take CP+B clients a while, but eventually, they wake up to the fact that juvenile, dumb fuck humor doesn’t shift shit. Just ask Nike, VW, Burger King, Miller, Redenbacher and others. “Subservient Agency” anyone?

You call that piece of shit a VW ad?

If you’re drunk or insane enough to stand it… Here’s “The Pitch.” The Review – Part two!

OK, I finally got fucked up enough to sit through the the last half of “The Pitch.” I cannot believe that the Wong Doody and McKinney people would allow themselves to be represented on national television as such craven fucking douchenozzles. In the comments on my first post, “Pen Pendleton” doeth protest too much that Tracy Wong was merely making jokes about gladiators (and probably later, when he said we should all wear sequin outfits) No, Pen… He was merely making himself look like an arsehole. As for it not being a real pitch, and the whole thing being contrived by a production company… EXACTLY… That’s why no agency worth its fucking salt would take part. All you are doing is reinforcing the perception that everyone in the ad biz is a fucking psycho whore. As for the winning effort from McKinney… As “Methinksdifferent” put it so well… Love how the "idea" that won was to get a dude who rapped about pancakes on YouTube to basically create the real concept...
the conference call with the pancake dude was a classic.....
with nobody sure about what they were really doing...except the rapper... What the fuck is this… Inverse crowdsourcing? I just hope rapper “Mac Lethal” ripped ‘em off for thousands. On a final note, the clients came across as a bunch of fucktards, and how about Ms. Grecco, who was looking for “Appetite Appeal!” Oh yeah, I wish I had a fucking dollar for every time I’ve heard that from a food client, particularly when they are peddling food I wouldn’t feed to my dog… Who does not wear a fucking bandana, by the way. Final note… Crazy Jenny and her "talking food" concept got even fucking crazier… And although she scares the shit out of me… I think I’m in love!

Remember those pre-YouTube days?