A well intentioned rant about the current state of Advertising, with particular emphasis on Big Dumb Agencies (BDA's) Because, no matter how bad you think it is, it's actually a great deal worse!
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill pail." George Orwell.
Remember how some clever fucker walked into a New York gallery last week stole a $150,000 watercolor-and-ink work by Salvador Dalí off the wall and just walked out with it? Well, the New York Postreports that the man who stole it mailed the fucking thing back to the gallery shortly after stealing it. The work, Cartel des Don Juan Tenorio, arrived at JFK International yesterday and is described as being in “exceptional condition.” The gallery received an e-mail on Monday afternoon that read, “Cartel on its way back to you already,” and provided a tracking number. The painting was sent from Europe, with an illegible return address. Personally, I think, when you consider the last week timing of this caper, some ad wanker from New York, stole it, took it to Cannes, hoping to sell it to some BDHC fucktard, who wouldn’t know the difference between “Art” and “Artisanal,” then discovered that all they were interested in was doing a rotting shark in formaldehyde buy, a la Saatchi/Damien Hurst. Did I ever tell you I met Salvador Dali once? It’s all in “Confessions of a Mad Man”… Buy the fucking thing.
I have it on good authority, “The Agency of the Future” has come to the realization, that after losing every fucking worthwhile account they inherited from FCB, and that no potential client who doesn’t have shit for brains would even dream of awarding them their account… They are moving on to “The Country of the Future.” Which happens to be North Korea. Plans for the Pyongyang office are proceeding apace. The furniture from the soon to be closed Chicago office has been packed, 24 carat gold plated barbells are on the way to stock the “Corner Gym” for the rarely expected visits of Uber-Fuhrer Boschetto. Meantime, the Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, is in daily consultations with Draft/FCB, Emeritus representative, Jonathan “Idgy” Harries (who you all thought you had finally heard the last of) to finalize the details for the North Korean version of the NoBu, Effen-Fuckin-Effen, Lap Dancin’ Lounge. Unfortunately, Howard is not available for comment. Rumors that he is still in Cannes counting all the Lions Draft/FCB won, are patently ridiculous!
Remember back in March when Microsoft announced it was firing a couple of Bing heavyweights, Eric Hadley and Sean Carver, after an internal Microsoft investigation showed they had violated "policies related to mismanagement of company assets and vendor procurement"?As I posted back then, Somehow, I don’t think company assets means shit from the stationary cupboard. Hadley was described in a Daily Beast article as “Microsoft’s Mr. Fun.” Famous for hanging around with the likes of Jay-Z, Beyoncé and Venus Williams, whilst splashing out with a $100 million budget, including coughing up a one million fucking fee for Ty and Rosie’s, Co-Collective, when they were a non-approved Microsoft vendor! Naughty! So now, the guy has been hired by The Weather Channel as a Senior VP-Nozzle. Does this mean we can expect the forecasts to turn into celebrity parties? Can “Mr. Fun” make the sun shine all the time? Oh, and you have to laugh your fucking brains out at the story in AdAge. According to Editor Abbey Klaasson, Hadley was fired for “pushing the boundaries in marketing Bing!” Yeah, right. Don’t want to jeopardize all that lovely Weather Channel advertising, do we Abbey?
I love the great Everett Dirkson quote… “A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon, you’re talking real money.” Remember when When Plutocrat Douchnozzle, Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JP Morgan announced in May that the bank had lost $2 billion in a bet on credit derivatives, he estimated that losses could double within the next few quarters. But the red ink has been mounting in recent weeks, as the bank has been unwinding its positions… And the word on the street is that it could go as high as NINE FUCKING BILLION DOLLARS! Holy shit. These guys do not fuck around. And what did Jamie earn last year… A mere TWENTY THREE FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS. What do you think the odds are that he will offer to give that back to the shareholders? Yeah, right… Fucking zero. And this is the guy who never shuts his pie-hole about how regulations are killing “initiative” in the banking industry.
Capitalism is all about rags to riches. Your rags. My riches!
My super AdScam “deep throats” tell me that Cisco has pulled the plug on Cisco after a “secret” review, and awarded the account to Goodby Silverstein + Partners. Ogilvy did pretty good work on Cisco, but the rot started to set in when Cisco’s Uber Marcom-Nozzle, Marilyn Mersereau, who was a big Ogilvy fan from her IBM days left. Then Steve Hayden “The Prince of Madison Avenue,” decided to pull stumps on the business. And to put the icing on the cake, Cisco hired Michele Bogan, who used to work with Goodby when she was at HP, as their new global Marcom Queen… And all the fucking bricks fell into place… Which just goes to prove, in spite of what all the fucktards in the business have to say… It’s not what you know… It’s who you know. Goodby will do a good job on Cisco. And if they had any fucking sense… Ogilvy would offer Steve a billion fucking dollars to come out of retirement. 'Cos if they don't, they'd better start building firewalls around IBM… Never forget… You heard it first on AdScam!
You have to hand it to England’s football supporters, when they’re not breaking windows and setting fire to cars all over the continent whilst supporting yet another useless fucking effort by England, they are constantly looking for new ways to “give the lads an edge.” The Sun (the Wizened of Oz’s rancid rag) told how a mystery fan in an England goalie’s kit and wig flashed his willie while standing behind England’s Joe Hart’s goal — in a bid to make “Pasta scoffer” Diamanti fluff his shot. The guy, Tim O’Leary (who is a fucking multi-millionaire) revealed he had to sprint from the other end of the ground to get in place for the climactic shoot-out that saw England, as usual, eliminated. I think the only way England will ever win a penalty shoot-out, is if they '”shoot” the opposing goalie.
Hyper Island had brilliant idea at Cannes (No, I’m not talking about the Fuck Fest itself) when they got a bunch of hung over delegates locked in a room and made them come up with their ideas of where the business would be in FIFTEEN years… Oh, fucking yes… Right now, I defy anyone to tell me what the flavor du jour of advertising will be in FIFTEEN fucking weeks! You can see the abysmal end result here: Some ideas are patently fucking obvious, like everything will be in “the cloud.” Agencies will “curate.” Groan, fucking groan! Pills that make you dream about products, courtesy of DUREX!!! “Smart” clothes… Yawn. Brain implanted chips that pimp products to satisfy your desires! Flying cars… Didn’t the Jetsons already do that? And a couple of wankers came up with the oldest chestnut of all… In the future, agencies will be paid for their ideas, not for their time… Yeah, fucking right… Tell that to Anomoly, and every other agency that’s tried and failed to do it. All in all, it was a giant wank from a bunch of people who should have been drinking themselves stupid, not making fucktard predictions.
Are you ready to test your break-through ad ideas?
Remember all that shit that happened in Sweden when a girl by the name of Sonja Abrahamsson took over @Sweden for a week, and some people got pissed off ‘cos she said things about God, Hitler and Jews? Well there’s a great interview with her over at gizmodo.com… She says, even though her dad was a tall, blonde haired Swede without a mustache, she thought he was Hitler. Then she has this to say about TV commercials… Television sucks the life out of me because all the mindfucks they are delivering. Like this commercial about body lotion for women "in all sizes". In the commercial you see 15 soft skinned women are standing in a line. They are different sizes and they have different skin colors, which the company behind the body lotion obviously is very proud of. These women are kind of dancing on the spot, smiling and laughing, but they are not having a disco, and they are not having conversations, so what the fuck are they doing? They have almost no clothes on, there are no furniture, just space, and the line isn't leading somewhere. I guess I should be happy these women can find happiness and joy against all odds, but I just think it's so stupid I want to cut my own eyes out and throw them on the floor 'cause I can't find the garbage can. It seems to me that most people can handle these things, they say it's just a commercial and nothing serious, but I never want that kind of shit to feel normal to watch. And, she HATES Justin Bieber! Wow, she must read AdScam!
Continuing with my current Olympic rant (well, it makes a change from the Cannes Fuck Fest) AdScamer, “doggieads” points out that Lord Coe (he won several Olympic Golds, now pimps Olympic’s Cash-O-Rama) is now asking sponsors to explain their roles as sponsors. This, after taking millions (if not billions, including the IOC's take) off them. The funny thing is that he made this speech during a session at Cannes (Yes, fucking Cannes again) with the Poisoned Dwarf (Yes. him again). It’s very fucking simple. The role of an Olympic sponsor is to cough up billions for the privilege of running lots of really bad ads that profess how “Together, we are going for the Gold!” and other shit like that. Boring, fucking boring!