AdScam/The Horror!

now you can dance all night!

Remember my post the other day about how serious drinking can cure asthma, baldness and wooden legs? Well, in my never ending search for news AdScammer’s can actually benefit from… This just in… British (where the fuck else would it be) scientists have created a pill to stop you acting drunk no matter how many pints you put away. Apparently, It's something called your mutinous immune system that gives you that fucked up feeling after a boozy session, they write in the British Journal of Pharmacology. Well that’s the best news of the week – Apart from killing Al Qeada’s one hundredth number two geezer. Now when the Highway Patrol guy with the big gun asks you to walk in a straight line… Pop the magic pill and do a fucking Nureyev! Technology may suck… But Biology is brilliant! 

No pills for Frog wankers!

when you’re number two… you die harder!

Pardon me for stifling a big fucking yawn here, but the news today “Top Al Qaeda Figure Killed,” in the Wall Street Journal made me wonder if there are any of these fuckers left alive. It seems like every week we hear that the number TWO guy in Al Qaeda or the Taliban has gone off to the big cloud in the sky to bang virgins and get fucked up on wine. Maybe being number two in a terrorist organization is like being a VP in a BDA… There are fucking hundreds of them. And most of them are easily replaceable datametric – holistic – synergistic – MBA – wankers. Perhaps we can persuade the CIA to get some drones in there to blow up the silos and knock down the walls. They could start with Draft/FCB.

My social media strategy? Blowing shit up!

technology sucks!

If you have been trying to email me and I haven’t responded… It’s ‘cos my fucking email is down for the second time in a week. It all started when my local Internet service provider, Qwest, got bought by another fucktard telco company. Internet was provided through Microsoft, hence my MSN mail address. The one I’ve had for fucking years. Now they want me to use their own url… dicknozzle.com or something equally fucked up. I said screw that and signed on to MSN direct, paying $60 a year for the fucking privilege. Now it’s been blocked twice, and I can’t sign in. As usual the “help” page suggests a few fixes… But… YOU HAVE TO FUCKING SIGN IN FIRST… Hello you turd for brains wankers… That’s the whole fucking point… I CAN’T SIGN IN… First time it happened I phoned in and got some guy at a call center in East Kazakhstan. He fixed it after several turgid hours. Now five days later, I am blocked again. I am fucking mad. I intend to get drunk when this is over… Yeah, I know I could use gMail, or whatever… But I want to keep my MSN address… Millions of AdScamers need to reach me… Anyone got any bright suggestions?

Thank God someone still loves me!

bezos is a beezer!

Seems like the Kindle Fire is causing quite a fuss… Bezos is so fucking clever... Nearly as much as GodJobs... This thing will sell like hot cakes. But what’s really significant, as some industry pundit pointed just out... It will also kill Netflicks. Via Amazon Prime you can download video ‘till your eyes bleed. The other big news is that the basic Kindle is a mere $77. And when you consider the explosive growth of eBooks, this is really going to fuck Barnes & Noble in the arse with their “Nookie,” or whatever the fuck it’s called. As for Kindle’s limited number of apps… Like a “mere” 50,000. Who the fuck needs half a million iPad Apps, you just know that 99% of them are shite games played by cretins... Maybe the eight hundred trillion Fucktard Facebook Nozzles. Farmville anyone?

Is this a happy camper... Or what?

British ad-ho’s target UK sex maniacs!

In another British breakthrough in advertising, UK telly watchers are about to be bombarded by ads for sex toys… Yeah, dildo’s, velvet handcuffs, and other shit you get delivered in a “plain brown wrapper.” Lovehoney, a British online sex toy marketer -- is launching a campaign, “Live a Sexier Life" on several shows, including the syndicated version of "Real Housewives of New York," which airs on ITV2. Apparently they tried to advertise on the US version of the show, but Bravo told them to fuck off. Something about spoiling the “classy” nature of a show featuring heavily engineered tarts merely having wet dreams about sex, instead of getting on with it. Anyway, the UK ads don’t show anyone actually using the toys. Just a couple snogging, then he fucks off to work, leaving her to amuse herself with the nuclear powered dildo he bought her for their anniversary. The spot ends with the tagline: "Lovehoney.co.uk, the sexual happiness people." The good news for US sex maniacs… They ship to America… In a plain brown wrapper.

One previous owner... "Flasher Gordon."

Kindle-mania versus ipad-aloopalosa!

OK… So, I’m a big fan of Amazon in general, and Kindle in particular… Especially since I stood on my Kindle in a drunken furor and cracked the screen and they sent me a new one for fucking FREE!!! With no questions asked, let alone a breathalyzer test. What the fuck is not to like about that? So now, they have just introduced their idea of an iPad nut crusher… Yeah, the bare bones one is a simple black and white upgrade of a basic Kindle… BUT… It's like SEVENTY SEVEN fucking dollars… That’s less than your average AppleTard spends on his morning frapachino, latte, triple skim milk. It doesn’t have 3G, or a fucking mike and a camera… But who gives a fuck at that price… I just want the thing to be able to download “Confessions of a Mad Man.” Did you buy it yet? Or, do you want “Spiny Norman” knocking at your door? But, back to the Amazon iPad killer… The fully tricked out version… Color, 3G etc… Is a measly $199… So OK, you cant get all the Apple Apps… Who fucking cares… 90% of them are for retards… You know what… Bezos is a fucking genius!

Dinsdale!!!!!!!!!

Reebok takes it in the ass for peddling ass reducing shoes!

You know all about those TV spots that run at three in the morning flogging exercise gear that promises to reduce your ever increasing beer belly with a five minute work out once a month… Well not long ago Reebok jumped on the band wagon with its “Easy Tone” shoes that they claimed would perk up your gross, sagging butt just by walking around in them. Now the FTC has told them they are full of shit. The shoes do no such thing… And ‘cos you’ve been a bunch of lying fucktards, we’re fining you $25 million. Ha, take that you shoenozzles. But, the really sad part is that five million cretins in the US bought the fucking things… And ten million other wankers world wide coughed up the money they could have better spent on booze and drugs. Anyone out there want to buy an AdScam Dick Enlarger? Watch this space.

There's also my vibrating lounger!

social networkers should watch out for anti-social meat eating sex maniacs!

If you live in Britain and are a vegetarian looking for some action with another veggie freak, you should note that many vegetarians looking online for lovers with the same dietary preferences were misled by dating site VeggieDates.com, the Advertising Standards Authority ruled today. The British standards agency upheld a complaint from a frustrated Veggie Dates member who discovered that the majority of other singles on the site in fact enjoyed eating dead animals. Fuck, I hope they cook them first! The fucktards running this scam argued that the homepage didn't state that it was "only" for vegetarians. The website "simply invited vegetarians to join and meet other vegetarians" the company explained. "A member could indicate they were vegetarian or not by ticking a box in their dating profile. Members could then browse other members by looking at their profiles to see if they were also vegetarian." Oh, and in common with all the other social networking Web sites out there… They could also sell all your information to other social networking criminals… Will this fucking madness ever stop?

Hi, I'm Fred... Wanna "Friend" me? 

monkey business at Interpublic & draft/FCB!

With the news that a US computer programmer nozzle has created a program that has virtual monkeys producing the collected works of Shakespeare, an Interpublic & Draft/FCB Team of Senior fucktard executives, including Michael Roth and Hughie, Dewey & Louie are working on ways this revolutionary concept can be used to boost the rancid organizations bottom line by replacing the current work force with chimps. Laurence Boschetto has been chosen to head the task force, as he is the recognized expert on all things pertaining to bottom lines. “Idgy'” Harries will come out of hiding to organize “Rhesus Rumbles.” Howard is expected to retire to the gorilla compound at the Bronx Zoo, so he can continue to throw shit around for the rest of his days. And, Michael Roth will award himself a 20,000 banana “performance” bonus for fucking the IPG shareholders… Yet again!

Howard says... What's not to like?

groupon fuckson workerson!

You know that feeling you initially get when you are so fucking drunk you don’t know what you are doing, until you realize that the warm, dreamingly comforting effect you get down your inside leg is caused by the fact you have just pissed yourself? I think that, right now, something like that might be going through the hype-soddened brains of the fucktards who signed up to work for Groupon on the promise that they were all going to become the next generation of dot com millionaires. ‘Cos, right now, according to Gawker, these douchenozzles can’t even get paid for the hundreds of hours of overtime they’ve put in on behalf of the company. All this while over $800 million in VC money has been lyposuctioned off by the fucktard founders… Do I smell another stinky Boo.Com here?

Hey Momasan... Some fucktards from Groupon want me to be in a commercial about Tibet and the Super Bowl... Yeah, a bowl. It's probably full of tea and rancid Yak butter... No, it doesn't make sense, but they say I'll be as rich as fucking Croesus once the IPO goes through... Hello, Momasan… Shit... Why the fuck doesn’t my iPhone work over 28,000 feet?