AdScam/The Horror!

y&r + Poisoned Dwarf = Shitasmic advertising!

Ace AdScammer, “Poisoned Depths,” who is never wrong, tells me that as the Poisoned Dwarf is concerned that his $96 million “performance” bonus might come up a bit short… Like it might only be $95 million and would necessitate cutting the weekly flower budget at the Gramercy Park love nest… The little fucker has taken a part time job with a company who’s ad account, Y&R just picked up, which makes it the shops first win since Tony Granger took over as Emperor of the fucked up universe. Tony has created the ads himself and is credited with persuading Sir Martin to take up a modeling career. For your delectation, the first ad is below… Could this be the big turning point is Y&R’s comeback. I don’t fucking think so!  

Cannes Titanium Baby!!!

 

crime doesn't pay... except in the ad biz!

‘Cos it’s Sunday and nothing is happening in the ad biz. Actually, you could pick any day of the week and there’d be fuck all of any interest or importance happening in the ad biz… Let’s talk about crime… Ah, you say, but aren’t there a lot of criminals working in the world’s most fucked up business? Yes, agreed, but fuck it, it’s my blog, so let’s move to Germany, where a particularly lame bunch of bank robbers decided to do an Italian Job and rob a bank by blowing off the doors and absconding with an ATM. Problem was, the combination of gasoline and acetylene was so fucking powerful, it destroyed the entire bank. Police discovered the ATM machine in the rubble. Intact. Perhaps the next “Agency of the Future” could hire the gang to knock down walls and blow up silos!

What a bunch of wankers!

 

Looking for coke?

Did you see that earlier in the week the Jamaica Tourist Board suspended its TV campaign ‘cos prospective tourists were a little concerned they might get their fucking heads blown off in the current violence… Don’t you love that the name of the drug baron they are looking for is “Christopher COKE?” The thing is, all the violence is taking place in the capitol, Kingston, while all the resorts American tourists patronize are on the north side of the island and are usually surrounded by barbed wire and guard towers, to keep the locals out… Apart from those allowed in to dance the limbo whilst the tourists drink Capn’ Tortuga’s Punch out of plastic skulls. I mean why they don’t just stay in fucking Florida beats me… Oh, I forgot, there’s all that fucking oil on the beaches.

I'll have a case of each... Thank You!

 

This is crap... I guarantee it!

World’s worst ad journalist, Stuart Elliot, has a piece about the “New” Men’s Wearhouse campaign in yesterday’s New York Times. Apparently, now that the account has moved to Mullen, “The new campaign is a pretty significant departure from where we were before,” according to a company spokesnozzle. The fact that it still has the world’s most annoying fucking CEO, George Zimmer, spouting shit in them, is obviously considered a breakthrough. Oh yes, and all the spots start with an actor looking for one of their shitasmic stores, wandering through scenes reminiscent of other TV spots and shows… Mmmm, sound familiar? Like the Carling Black Label campaign ripped of by the Energizer bunny, ripped off by Joes Snack Emporium, or whatever. Breakthrough my arse!

I keep on going, and going, and fucking going!

 

more metlife bullshit!

Rupal Parekh over at AdAge has some more information on the MetLife review… Best bit is the claim by the client that they are looking for an agency that will “make them uncomfortable… Fuck me, this is an insurance company, their definition of “uncomfortable” probably means wearing brown shoes with a dark blue suit… Here’s the comment I posted… Oh dear, oh dear... Yet another client looking for an agency that will "Make them uncomfortable." Who are they kidding, besides themselves? It's insurance for Gods sake. I'm with Curvin, this is s brief from Hell... And as I've written umpteen times on AdScam, if the MetLife CMO did his job, he/she wouldn't need the crutch of a "search consultant." Except, when the final choice srews up, or even does do something uncomfortable, the CMO can blame the search consultant. Maybe they’ll end up with the Boulder frat boys. That would be fucking uncomfortable.

Stick a fork in it!

 

yet another peter arnell fuck up!

Jim Edwards has a very funny post over at bNet, about the demise of Peter Arnell’s shitasmic electric car, the Peapod. Apparently, Chrysler axed it months ago and hoped nobody would notice another of Arnell’s gigantic fuck ups turned out to be a fuck up. The wrap up of Jim’s column is classic… So we can add Chrysler to the list of Arnell’s recent implosions, along with the Tropicana redesign, his book deal with Harper Collins, and his Pepsi redesign document. Back in February, Arnell pitched the government of Thailand in hopes of landing its tourism account and rebranding the country. How did that work out? The country has been consumed by riots ever since. Ha, fucking brilliant. The rumors that BP had called Arnell in to advise on the best way to stop the massive oil leak, but passed on his recommendation to do it with fucking oranges, are as yet unsubstantiated. 

I offered BP a million unused juice cartons, and they turned me down!!!

 

another reason California is fucked!

As the California primary campaign heads to a frothing close, former HP disaster CEO Carly Fiorina has far outspent her opponents in the GOP race for the Senate. Mostly ‘cos she’s lending herself millions from her own private Fort Knox stash… Remember, she walked from HP with a $40 million golden parachute, and a three year service contract for her laptop!!! The best bit is her endorsement by fellow nut job, Sarah Palin, ‘cos the Alaskan money machine says… Fiorina's experience running a major corporation is sorely lacking in Washington. Ha, considering she almost destroyed HP ‘till she got chucked out. she’d probably fit right in in Washington. You fuckin’ betcha!!

The fucking service contract ran out, already!

 

another nail in the Y&R coffin lid!

AdWeek reports that the $65 million MetLife account has gone into review. Like Accenture, MetLife has been at Y&R since fucking dinosaurs walked the earth. It was also a great cash cow for years, all you had to do was a picture of snoopy and a fucking logo… and bingo, the money rolled in! As usual, a fucking agency search consultant is handling the review, as the MetLife CMO obviously knows nothing about ad agencies and what to look for. With this news coming hot on the heels of the Accenture loss, no doubt the Poisoned Dwarf is kicking the shit out of the clown dog in his basement lair. As is usual with BDA’s, Y&R will piss away millions re-pitching both accounts, which they will fail to hold on to. But that’s what BDA’s do, ‘cos they’re fucking douchenozzles!

Oh fuck, not me again... Why not Tony Granger?

 

do you speak shit for brains?

Curvin had a comment on my Accenture post showing the absolute shitasmic way they describe themselves on their Web site… "Accenture is a global management consulting, technology services and outsourcing company. Combining unparalleled experience, comprehensive capabilities across all industries and business functions, and extensive research on the world's most successful companies, Accenture collaborates with clients to help them become high-performance businesses and governments." Yes in-fucking-deed… I actually used this very statement in The Ubiquitous Persuaders (Did you buy the fucking thing yet) as an illustration of corporate shit-speak. All these wankers are represented by BDA’s that also use corporate shit-speak, they just happen to dress it up with fancier language, but it’s still shit. ergo: Y&R, Accenture’s soon to be dumped BDA, says… We are anti-usualists. We are believers. We love what we do. Apparently, Accenture didn’t.

Accenture's Madrid office!

 

your heart, hearts, pints and fags!

Last week I posted about the end of the gravy train for British agencies (particularly M&C Saatchi) after the new government decided to pull the plug on so called “preachy, nanny state” ads, which most people fucking ignored anyway! First to receive the axe are many of the public health campaigns aimed at stopping Brits from smoking and drinking. Ha, good fucking luck with that. I mean what the fuck are you going to fill your time time with when you’re not beating the shit out of the opposition at football matches? I’ll meet you down at the Frog and Nightgown, and we’ll discuss this over a few pints and a packet of Woodbines.

Bring your money!