A well intentioned rant about the current state of Advertising, with particular emphasis on Big Dumb Agencies (BDA's) Because, no matter how bad you think it is, it's actually a great deal worse!
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill pail." George Orwell.
Good news for the “Poisoned Dwarf.” Sprint Nextel has selected at least three finalists to pitch its U.S. creative account: Goodby, Silverstein & Partners, Ogilvy & Mather and Young & Rubicam. Which means the “Diminished One” has a 2 in 3 chance of picking up the over $1.2 billion account. Pretty fucking good odds, right? Except when you consider that the single agency they have to beat is Goodby, Silverstein, which in my opinion is still the best Godamn agency in the US. Sprint Nextel, which spends all of that $1.2 billion annually in major measured media, is looking to consolidate consumer and b-to-b duties at a single shop. Total revenue on the two pieces exceeds $40 fucking million. That’d keep the “Poisoned Dwarf” in Concorde tickets for a while. Oh, I forgot, it doesn’t fly anymore… Maybe he could buy himself one. But first, O&M or Y&R has to win the business.
OK, you O&M and Y&R fuckers. Here's the deal. Let me down on this and you can kiss your nuts goodby!
The ‘Poisoned Dwarf” must be fuming in his basement lair with the news today that Ford Motor Co.'s Volvo has cut to four the number of finalists in its $150 million global creative review…. And WPP’s O&M got shafted… Yet again! The remaining contenders are Publicis Groupe's Fallon, Havas' Arnold (pitching in tandem with independent U.K. shop Nitro), Omnicom Group's 180 and the incumbent, Havas' Euro-RSCG-Thingy-Whatsit!!!- Why can’t these guys do a cool European minimalist thing, take a leaf out of “Nitro’s” book, and call themselves “Wanker.” Works for me! Volvo launched this let’s do a long drawn out, more painful than a root canal thing global contest in December. And wouldn’t Ya know, New York-based consultancy Roth Associates is managing the process. Which is code for making a shitload of money doing the job the fucking Marketing Director should have done in the first place. But hey, why don’t we discuss this whole thing over dinner at NoBu? Then you can drive me home in the Aston!
Word just in that "The Poisoned Dwarf" is working on his evil strategy to wrest the Microsoft account away from those pussies in San Francisco... Stay tuned for breaking news!
You may think that AdAge is really beginning to piss me off… Well, you’d be right. Jonah Bloom’s latest piece of crud is a boot licking column on the wonders of CP+B… Yeah, them, again, and how in his opinion people are not giving them the respect they deserve. He actually has the balls to say that when people find fault with the Redenbacher Zombie, or the Haggar dog-shit-in-hand abomination, they are missing the point, ‘cos … “such visceral reactions underline the power of Crispin’s work and its value to certain types of marketers.” (Yeah, the fucking brain dead type!) Listen Jonah baby, do me a favor, go and rent a copy of “The Hucksters” and check out the scene where Sydney Greenstreet as “The Soap Baron” spits up a huge gob of phlegm on the boardroom table to show agency guy Clark Gable how you go about catching the consumers attention. It’s disgusting, just like holding a pile of dog shit, or having a crazed Nazi with a Nurse Diesel assistant shilling for VW. You don’t have to spit in someone’s face to get their attention. There are more civilized ways to do it. And don’t give me that shit about “Ads as events.” They’re fucking ADS… Get it. If I want an event, I’ll go to the Super Bowl, and not for the ads. This is what happens when you have people who’ve never worked a day in advertising, writing about advertising. Pathetic!
I do wish AdAge would stop doing these fucking puff pieces on the “Rock Star du Jour.” In this case, as “Stoutmaster” points out in his comment below, they are all over Kevin Roberts and his win of Wendy’s. Couple of things in the article I have to take issue with… ”Last Wednesday morning a young woman with freckles, bright-red pigtails and a blue dress stepped out of the elevator on the 16th floor of Saatchi's New York office. She flounced up to the office of agency CEO Kevin Roberts and handed him a gold statue, with a little note taped to it. It read simply: "Call Ian Rowden." That’s a crock of shit… Anyone who’s worked in New York since 9/11 knows no one gets in a major office building and “flounces” anywhere. This had to be pre-arranged… Probably by Roberts and his Antipodean buddy, Ian Rowden… Sounds like these fuckers were Coke Nazis down under together. And this is the part that makes you want to gag… That was the moment Mr. Roberts knew for sure that Wendy's wanted Saatchi to turn it into a Lovemark, the agency chief's trademarked -- and heavily marketed -- name for a brand that establishes a stronger, maybe even mystical, connection with the consumer. What a crock of shit. Where the fuck does AdAge get these people from? Or maybe they’re all trying to out Jonah, Jonah in the race for the Larry King Dildo of the year award!
They laughed when I said I could out suck Jonah. They're not laughing now!
OK, so here’s the deal, Steve over at AdRants has a great post about this chick, Sarah Spain who wants to sell her body on eBay for Super Bowl tickets. So eBay hits that fucker on the head, ‘cos even though you can bid on dildos and bondage gear, they draw the line at prostitution. So in steps juvenile stinky shit company AXE and works it up into a big deal promotion. Something about send the chick an email that turns her on and you and three of her very well endowed friends get to go to the Super Bowl, along with the rest of the universe. It seems that Ms Spain has a MySpace space full of her glistening pictures. I think only one out of the couple of hundred shots posted on the site show her without a fucking drink… This lady is obviously a serious alcoholic… Pardon me while I have a quick sip of G&T #6… Anyway, this thing is getting all kinds of attention… My current favorite is on “withleather” which has some of the following very precious comments… Man, if only we could find a picture of her sticking out her chest.Otto man…. She's a beast. But I'd still hit it. Bill… Best of all… If you have the chance, hit it before those lactators drop. Bad times in 2-3 years without surgical help. Rougher69. Cruel, but fucking funny! There’s lots of other good stuff here. It can be best summed up by one of her comments during an LAist interview… “I’m not a trashy attention whore!” Oh, fucking Oh… Right lady… Then why don’t you just stop all this shit and watch the game on TV?
Mmmm... Sarah Spain... They are the biggest Seville Oranges I've seen in years. As my old Mum used to say... "You don't get many of those in a pound!"
Bruce Jasurda was kind enough to point out that I fucked up and forgot to do the Julie Clock yesterday. So Dude, you didn’t get your way. This fucker is running on atomic power… It will outlive us all!
I have been somewhat suspicious of this “Do your own Super Bowl Spot” thing some clients have been running. But, after visiting the Frito-Lay web site sponsoring a contest for consumers to create a spot for Doritos, I am prepared to eat my hat. There are five finalists, and all are excellent, “Duct Tape” is great and “Mousetrap” is brilliant. You can see them all here. I don’t know the background of the people who produced them, but I’m pretty sure they’re not already commercial production companies. I wish them all good luck, the winner will obviously do well, but I think in the spirit of “American Idol” you don’t have to win to be a success. But I will guarantee you one thing, all five are going to be better than 80% of the multi million dollar piles of steaming shit we’re going to be subjected to on Sunday. Looks like yet another nail in the lid of Madison Avenue.
…has worked with me before, and as you all know I am a perfect judge of character and talent. His name is Elmo Blatch… No it’s not, it’s Bill Bolander, he’s the guy I used in a lot of the Qwest commercials I did a few years ago… You can see them on my web site if you get your arse over there. But his most famous role, which lasted for less than a minute, was in “The Shawshank Redemption.” He was the guy that actually killed Tim Robbins wife. His name was Elmo Blatch, and he was a real evil fucker. Watch it here. Just what you need for a friendly repair man. But hey, the guy never leaves the fucking office, so he can have horns, a tail and cloven feet, just put a uniform on him and there you are… Great fucking teeth, check them out in the Qwest “News stand” spot. Anyway Bill Hamilton said I picked him ‘cos he looked like me. Come to think of it, he is a handsome fucker. Anyway, let’s get this show on the road. Anyone at O&M reading this (and I know there is!!!) Tell Patti McConnell to call his agent, and in the meantime I’ll figure out a way to get through the dumbass Maytag web site to avoid all the YouTube wankers who are going to be sending shitty videos in. And while I’m…
And if you don't like how I fix the washer... I'll kill ya... Then I'll...
...from themselves, even though they don’t deserve it. So, here’s the deal, I have the perfect replacement in mind… No, not me! Someone who is an actor who would be perfect for the role, but will probably need to be drafted. I need your help on this. First get to this dedicated web site that’s all about the search. Yes, it has the same fucking bullshit about this combination Gandhi, George Clooney, KFed asshole they’re looking for. Ignore that. We need a fucking character, and I have him. This guy is perfect, because I have…
The ultimate Maytag Man... Coming to a neighborhood near you!