AdScam/The Horror!

Priceline… Boldly going where other idiots have failed before!

You do have to wonder just what the fuck goes on in the heads of the CMO Nozzles making increasingly dumb decisions. No, I’m not talking about Joel at GM here, I’m referring to CMO Brett Keller of Priceline. As you know, they have just “killed-off” the “Negotiator,” William Shatner as their spokesman. The reason? According to KellerNozzle… ‘Cos he’s worked like gangbusters in the 14 years he’s been doing it. In other words, he’s been too successful. Or as the numb nuts puts it… "One of the challenges we face is that Bill is so awesome and so closely associated with Priceline that we needed to grab back consumers' attention." Yes, they want to emphasize a new offering, from name-your-own-price deal Shatner has peddled. SO? Just change the message. This is not rocket science. Remember, they killed off Mr. Whipple, within a couple of years they had to bring him back. My forecast… Shatner will return.

Curious... This Priceline mechanism appears to have no Dilithium crystals. 

more super bowl social shit!

Once again, someone over at MediaPost.com has come up with the claim that social media impacts the effectiveness of Super Bowl TV spots, and that this, in turn, drives up the cost of a buy. Apparently NBC tracks a slew of factors to determine the increased value of a Super Bowl spot. (Well they would, wouldn’t they? It’s on their fucking network.) Besides using firms that track traffic and opinions on social media, the impact on a company's sales and stock price after the game are gauged. Last year spots from Anheuser-Busch, Doritos and Volkswagen were the three most popular according to the USA Today Ad Metter. And… Each advertisers' share price closed slightly higher the day after the game. Now, if you believe fucktard football fans watched a crappy Doritos spot, then called their broker and bought a shitload of stock in PepsiCo, I have a fucking bridge in Brooklyn you might be interested in. 

Never fuck with a Japanese Doritos Ninja!

political ad of the week!

The only thing worse than local car dealer TV spots, are local political ads (OK, and a lot of national ones too.) But here’s one that takes the cake. It’s a campaign ad for Republican congressional candidate Mark Oxner from Champions Gate, Florida, which I am told is just one giant retirement home on an enormous fucking golf course. This epic has everything: Really cheesy CGI. An “homage” to a Cialis ad for old geezers looking for the occasional rogering. A Guy in a Fawkes mask, who is obviously a Communist. And little “slave” kids chained to the oars in a galley. But Mark, a word of advice… Before you stick your mug on the obligatory note at the end of the spot, invest in a better toupee! 

When I signed on for this shit, I was seven years old and they told me it was a one day shot!

OMG – Facebook – ipo – bff - wtf!

Yes… It’s finally happening… Facebook will file papers for an initial public offering as early as next week and is looking at a deal that would value the social network between $75 billion to $100 billion. Gasp fucking gasp. I am so excited, my Depends are leaking at the seams. Firstly, ‘cos ZuckerNozzle will become the richest guy in the universe, and will actually have more money than Larry Ellison has buried in the back yard of his Woodside Ninja Palace. Meanwhile, his sister, Randi ZuckerNozzle, was singing for free drinks in Davos, with all the other rich wankers (including the Poisoned Dwarf) that never worked an honest day in their lives. Just how the fuck do you get to join this club? In the meantime, check out this Henry Blodget piece on a conversation at Davos between a couple of RichNozzles about whether it's better to buy a brand new $65 million plane, or a refurbished one. Problems… Problems… 

Randi who???

introducing shoppercolorholics!

So, the big news for shopaholics is that J.C. Penney is getting rid of sales. Instead, they will have a three-tiered system of “everyday,” “month-long value” and “best price” items. Apparently, “this is to confront intensifying price competition driven by recent consumer price-checking capabilities.” In other words, it’s to stop you using your iToy to check in-store prices before ordering your shit from Amazon for half the price. So, how the fuck does this three tier thing change that? Anyway, everything in America is always on sale, especially politicians. And because everything in J.C. Penney will have special tags for the pricing system, with red tags for “everyday” prices, white for “month-long value” and blue for “best price” if you’re color blind… Your fucked! 

Even the Monsters are "Best Price!"

are you ready for “Super-Bore 46?”

Well, here we are, nine days from kick off for the “Super Bowl of Advertising,” with a bit of football thrown in… And we’ve already seen virtually all the commercials. So what’s the point of watching. Better yet, what’s the point of blowing more than three fucking million dollars to buy thirty seconds of time? Remember that once upon a time, the dick head who runs GoDaddy, when he’s not slaughtering elephants, would purposely do outrageously dumb and sexist ads, so they would be banned by the network, but looked at a million times on YouTube, as teenage wankers hunted for nude Danica pics. Never forget, 1984, the world’s most famous spot only ran once. That’s one of the reasons why it’s so iconic. It became an event in its own right. Now, BDC’s and their BDA’s would not only run the shit out of it. They would have totally destroyed its impact thanks to YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and NozzleFriend. (That’s one I’m starting next week. Investors should send money immediately for this once in a lifetime opportunity!) Anyway, there isn’t a client alive today that would sign off on a spot remotely resembling 1984. Actually, there isn’t a single agency that would even let you show it to a client. Time to take Miss Van Der Volt for cocktails.

The Go-Daddy creative team gets ready to "Rumble!" 

 

 

And banzai to you too sir!

As you well know, I get a shitload of PR releases from douchenozzles wanting me to promote their pathetic new biz win/fucktard/campaign/book/video/viral/wank/whatever… As expected, I usually ignore them. But today, I got one I am prepared to pimp. Not for money (but for lots a loot, I could be tempted) No this one, ‘cos it came from a guy sporting the name… Zach Taiji! One that leaves my old mate Johnny Vulcan of Anomaly gasping in the dust… Even better, Zach is pimping a video for Benihana, the original fake Japanese restaurants that started in New York in the sixties… Yeah, back in my original Mad Man days. This was the joint you could take an impressionable young secretary to and get her well liquored up while the Japanese chef (name of Jose, born in the Bronx) would do the twirling blades routine, while frying the frozen shrimp on the hot plate. And if that didn’t work, you could head downtown to Max’s Kansas City Steakhouse. Ha, the good old days. Anyway… Benihana is still going strong. By the way, I am absolutely convinced the guy in the dark glasses at the begining of the video is me. Well, if not, it should be.

How would you like your dog prepared, madam?

Joel… Stop digging!

I’ve just re-read the AdAge article about the GM media switch that lit the fuse under my arse a few days ago. Apart from all the points I spelled out in my last post, I really have to wonder if Joel Nozzle is losing his fucking marbles. Apart from his “We should have done this years ago” quote, when asked about the situation with Goodby, he replied "The creative side is even more complicated than the media." Ouch, that does not bode well for GS+P. They have already hived off digital to Mother (no doubt to be done out of their London office in keeping the true spirit of Joel’s International commitment.) And, he’s already crowdsourced one of the Super Bowl spots. Unfortunately, not Miss Van Der Volt! And in reference to the five spots GM will run during the game, he said… "It's almost like running a political campaign." Oh boy! And we know how ugly they can be. A word of advice… Joel, don’t even consider a future move to political advertising. After handing a $3 billion US taxpayer funded account to a bunch of Limeys and Frogs, I doubt if even the “Herminator” would hire you.

The comatose gentleman in the corner used to advertise cars. Now the poor chap peddles corrupt politicians!

I’ve calmed down now… So here’s a GM update!

First of all, I have cleaned up my last post. I apologize. got carried away and said fuck way too many times… Yes, even for AdScam. It’s just that this whole GM media thing has got me so mad, and obviously, based on emails and comments, it’s upset a lot of others too.

Let me make a couple of points. GM exists today because the US taxpayer baled them out. If we hadn’t there would have been no media account to place anywhere. We still own 28% of the company. To naive me, this implies a certain obligation.

I know GM used a non US media conglomerate before. So what? Why does that determine they should continue to do so?

Someone points out that the income from the $3 billion is only 1% (still a big chunk of change) That those planning and buying the media will be based in the US (Right… No one off-shores shit do they?) That the money will all be spent in the US (Not true. This is a GLOBAL account. GM spends a ton in overseas markets. Not $3 billion in the US.)

And that maybe we should be concentrating on making a stink about the fact that GM manufactures vehicles outside the US. Why? This is a blog about ADVERTISING and the current fucked up state of the business.

Which leads to my final point… As you well know, I have repeatedly ranted about how the bean counters running the BDHC’s have ruined the business by concentrating solely on the bottom line, rather than the quality and effectiveness of what is produced by the agencies they control. Now we have Joel Ewanick, the Global Marketing Director of GM doing the same thing… And doing it on the day the President of the USA, as part of his State of the Union address, uses GM as an example of how we are protecting American Industry, and the millions working in it. He even said they should have done it years ago. Bullshit.

Sorry GM. Sorry Joel. You just spit in America’s eye. 

Over fucked it!

 

adscam would like to eat GM and Joel’s lunch. will you join me in this revolution to bring back america’s advertising to america?

Fellow AdScamers, please join me in sending GM and Joel Ewanick Nozzle to the trashcan of history. Let me explain. I don’t care if L.L. Bean wants to advertise their duck decoys through a Tawainise ad agency… Or, if Martha Stewart wants to book the media for her genuine down comforter Easter promotion through a media buyer in Kabul… They can. It’s called free enterprise. But, when the US taxpayer has baled out GM to the tune of uber billions of dollars, I would expect them to be PR smart enough not to give the $3 billion media account to a non US company… THAT’S FUCKING DUMB!!! Lots of people (based on emails) seem to agree with me… However, a couple don’t. That’s their privilege. So, I intend to start the “AdScam Program to fuck GM in the Arse.” Or, perhaps something with a less gross title ( I am open to sugestions) I need your help on this… it’s our collective livelyhood we are talking about here. Honestly, all bullshit apart. We have to do something about this. And, we have to do it before it is too late. Please join me. Let us drive the fuckers from the tundra... Then we will celebrate over hearty cocktails. 

The AdScam congess devoted to fucking GM and Joel will now come to order!