AdScam/The Horror!

All the filth that’s fit to monetize!

With all the talk about “monetizing” social media, you have to fucking cringe at the news that Amazon has set out to correct what they considered to be a problem: that “out-of-print or rare books ... have no advertisements ... the content is fixed and, therefore, has not been adapted to modern marketing.” Oh fucking right. Why didn’t Shakespeare think about this"? The solution is spelled out in new Amazon patent applications for On-Demand Generating E-Book Content with Advertising and Incorporating Advertising in On-Demand Generated Content. Meaning that in the future your reading may look like this: If a restaurant is described on a certain page, then that page, or the following one, will be stuffed with fucking ads for restaurants, wine, food, etc. Better yet, if you’re reading the Kama Sutra, or The Story of O, you’ll get ads for massage parlors and escort services. That fucker Bezos, certainly covers all the bases!

You wanna see my "Special" book collection?

So, you know what today is, don’t you?

That’s right… It’s the two hundred and seventy first birthday of George III… Ha, and you all thought it was Independence Day, commemorating the date that the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776… Wrong… It was actually signed on August 2nd, 1776. Which shows how much you colonials know about this shit. Mind you, back then they didn’t have Twitter, MySpace, Facebook and all that other crud people need these days to know what fucking day of the week it is. George Washington had the right idea though, every Fourth of July, he gave the troops a double ration of rum. No wonder he became known as the Father of the Nation! Double ration of Boddingtons for me. Cheers/George

My great, great, great, grand dad!

More Twitter, Tweet, Tiresomeness!

As further proof that the majority of people who spend their every waking minute on Twitter, my mate Rob Campbell has sent me a piece from yesterday's BBC news about how Twitter users who lack an audience for their tweets can now buy followers. That’s right, if your life is so fucking desolate that you’re willing to pay your hard earned cash to an Oz social media marketing company by the name of uSocial, they will set you up with your very own followers, available in blocks starting at $87 for 1,000. The biggest block this bunch of Aussie criminals is selling is 100,000 people. And here’s the best fucking bit… USocial says businesses and individuals were queuing up to use its follower finding service. All I can say is there’s way too many dumbfucks out there that should be doing something useful, like looking at a Friday bonus edition of Kate!!!

Yummy!

 

 

 

Don't ever say I'm not good to you!

The Microsoft upchuck, chuck out!

You know that Microsoft “Vomit” spot I posted about the other day. The one every fucker in the universe said was disgusting, so Microsoft pulled it and erased it from YouTube (which is, of course, owned by MS)… Well, if you really want to see it, go to the Web site of my Brit mates, BrandRepublic, ‘cos they have it, plus three other spots in the series, which are actually quite amusing. All four are directed by comedian Bob Goldthwait, who starred as Zed in the truly fucking awful, 'Police Academy' movies. Some fucktard at Microsoft actually claims that the feedback to the spot has been positive. So why the fuck did you pull it, you douchenozzle? Apparently the agency is some outfit in Indianapolis by the name of Bradley & Montgomery, who’s motto is… Speed, Courage, Independence. As for the “courage” bit, they’ve already pulled the vomit spot from their Web site. But I guess that goes well with the “speed” claim.

Is CP+B green with envy?

Is Twitter turning into a legally obsessed twat?

According to today’s LA Times, Twitter has applied to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office for sole naming rights on the word "tweet." To which I have to ask… Why the fuck would you want to do that? For years armies of douchenozzle lawyers at Xerox, Kleenex, Jacuzzi, Q-Tip and many others have sued the shit out of people who’ve had the temerity to use their brand names as generics for their particular kinds of products… Which to me is stupid… Why not have someone go in a drug store and ask for a box of Kleenex, rather than a box of snot tags? Isn’t that to your advantage? Twitter co-founder Biz Stone (why does the name “Biz” make me think of that cartoon dog that goes nuts for bacon or snausages, or whatever the fuck the dog treats are called. ‘C’mon Biz, own the fuck up, your real name is Claude, or Cecil, or Dipshit.) Anyway, "Biz" explained the move this morning in a blog post, saying no harm was meant to the many applications that have grown up alongside the core service. "We have applied to trademark Tweet because it is clearly attached to Twitter from a brand perspective. But we have no intention of 'going after' the wonderful applications and services that use the word in their name when associated with Twitter." OK… OK… So, exactly what the fuck is the purpose of this exercise?  Please answer in 140 characters or less. And while you're at it... Try not to use the word awesome in every fucking sentence.

Tweeters should stick this in their lapel. After they've stuck it up their arse!

Microsoft takes over YouTube!

I always get a laugh out of the FakeSteve blog - The one that replaced the old fakestevejobs site that disappeared after GodJobs had the writer assassinated – Well today’s issue has a pisser of an entry with a video showing a woman throwing up all over her laptop when her husband runs Windows 7 on it. Funny as shit… Very classy. Looks like a Burger King spot. Wonder if it was done by the CP+B Frat boys? Problem is, you can’t watch it anymore as YouTube has taken the fucker down… Mmmm, bit of pressure from the folks in Redmond? Did sweaty Balmer threaten to come down and smash all the fucking chairs? Check out the site… The fucking comments are great, especially the ones from Fake Larry Ellison.

Never fuck with a man with a bionic liver!!!

TBD goes RIP!

Remember my post the other day about the best social media sites being those that concentrate on niche markets? Well it would seem that one of those just went belly up. Parenting magazine founder Robin Wolaner launched TeeBeeDee in 2007. The name was a play on the acronym TBD, for "to be determined," meaning the sex, drugs, rock & roll still waited out there for the over-50 crowd, "redefining the meaning of midlife," as Wolaner put it. But on Tuesday, Wolander pulled the plug. And the fucker is dead. She said Facebook's success was a "huge factor" in TBD’s demise, ‘cos a lot of people were on both. Plus, it never grew large enough to interest independent developers to build applications. Yeah, well fuck… But that only reinforces my original arguments… The site has to be more specifically aimed at a well defined group, rather than everyone over the age of 50. Remember suicide girls? Then if you’ve got content you can’t find anywhere else, you can charge a small  subscription fee. There’s way too much “me too” shit out there. It’s not fucking rocket science.

Back to the fucking drawing board!

Dell does iPod… Enfatico does… Waaahh?

The word on the street is that Dell engineers are developing a series of prototype devices that will resemble Apple's iPod Touch but are slightly larger and lack cellular capabilities. In other words, they will be fucking useless! Nevertheless, Dell’s “Agency of the future” Enfatico/Y&R/WPP is working its nuts off and getting all its Enfatalytics in a row to have the launch advertising ready no less than two years after these iPod killers hit the street. In the meantime, Michael Dell has advised the Poisoned Dwarf that if he has to rely on “Save my Ass – Mother” one more time, WPP will be Mother Fucked forever!

Been there... Fucking done that!

Yahoo to re-brand as Yahoo!

Apropos my branding rant of yesterday, Yahoo has decided that it is so completely fucked it needs to “Re-Brand” itself. Which obviously requires the hiring of a full-of-shit marketer fresh out of the disaster formally known as Y&R, but which with the absorption of “agency of the future” Enfatico, will now be known as “The agency barely in the present.” Penny Baldwin is Yahoo's new SVP of global integrated marketing and brand management. Ha, a title nearly as big as her hair-do. As is usual in these situations, Ms. Baldwin said in a statement, signaling that Yahoo is poised for an important brand makeover: “This is a seminal moment for the Yahoo! brand and for the business overall. I am delighted to be part of the leadership team that will take Yahoo! to the next level as we evolve our brand strategy worldwide.” Oh fucking yes… Landor is already counting the millions it will make, Halliburton non-compete style, from the massive re-branding contracts soon to be heading their way.

The Yahoo re-branding team gets stuck in... It's Wednesday, remember?

JWT continues to kick McCann’s arse!

The news late yesterday that Microsoft has pulled a big chunk of business out of McCann and awarded it to JWT, is yet another nail in the Interpublic shop’s coffin lid. This time it’s the MS Office division, which is fucking big and one of MS’s largest revenue earners. Can’t say I’m surprised, McCann has been doing really shitty work out of San Francisco for both MS and Intel for years. Remember all those office people wearing fucking rubber dinosaur heads and Ninjas fighting. Fucking juvenile. But matched for fucktardidness by the Intel “Lap” spots. Ouch, fucking ouch. It takes a special talent to get that far down in the fucking barrel. JWT is certainly on a roll of late. One of the few bright spots in the Poisoned Dwarf’s crumbling empire. When Sir Martin goes off to his expected peerage, they should have Bob Jeffrey take over. He’s certainly got the best track record in the entire group. As a shareholder (5 shares) I’d vote for that!

Ha... Take that you Interpublic wanker!