AdScam/The Horror!

Standing by for Olympics bullshit!!!

You know that in spite of earthquakes, riots and possible boycotts, we can begin looking forward to months and months of relentless Olympic shit from now on. Forget the mind numbing coverage of the actual games themselves, which invariably spend more time on "back-home" interviews with proud parents of some fucking softball player, rather than showing us the actual sports... No, I'm talking about the ads and sponsorship shit we will be buried in. Best example was in AdAge's piece about Cokes "Olympic Blitz" as they put it... The beverage giant is kicking off its Olympic program with the launch of collectible packaging featuring the Coca-Cola script logo in five languages: Russian, Ethiopian, Thai, Mandarin and English. "Collectable Packaging!" Are they fucking kidding? Who the fuck in their right mind collects old Coke cans? Coke goes on with this drivel... "We're creating excitement for the Olympics by launching the program almost three months before opening ceremonies. We think people are going to have a lot of fun collecting the different cans and then pulling for our Coca-Cola athletes during the games." That's what the man said... Three fucking months of this shit to look forward to. Aaaargh!

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I only collect the "Bacon" flavored one. 'Cos it tastes less like shit than the real stuff!

Hewlett-Packard fucks Boise... Again!

Here in Boise, Idaho... Center of the fucking Universe, one of the big local employers is Hewlett-Packard, 'cos this is where their printer division is. Which has always been one of H-P's major cash generators, particularly after Carly spent fucking billions buying Compaq and nearly sinking the company. Anyway, now they're going to do the same thing with EDS and pay billions for something that might just finally sink the company... All the chat here is about layoffs. But in common with the rest of Corporate America, they never use words like that, instead, this is what they said... "We are aggressively looking at ways to drive growth and customer value. The Printer Division's transformation is about improving its business to better serve its customers. As such, we will continue to be proactive about shifting resources to maximize business as necessary!" Why can't the mealy mouth fuckers just say... "We intend to put a lot of people on the street after we shift their jobs to fucking China." No doubt, management will collect humongous bonuses for what they are calling a company "Transformation." Scum sucking wankers!

Used to be America's best kept secret. Now it's full of fucking Californians!

More conference bullshit!

So I just got an email inviting me to cough up $875 to attend yet another ad conference. This one is co-hosted by AdAge and Digital Hollywood, whoever the fuck that is... And it's called "Advertising 2.0" How fucking clever is that... 2.0... Get it? 'Cos anything with a 2.0 after its name has got to be fucking hot... That's the kind of shit Julie Roehm used to shoot her mouth off about, remember? Anyway, it says that this conference is dedicated to all the facets of media and advertising today... But here's the best bit. The keynote speaker is Sue Decker, the President of Yahoo. That's right, the company that's in deep shit and desperately trying to sell itself to anyone dumb enough to buy it. Sorry guys, that's someone I wouldn't pay $8.75 to listen to, let alone fucking $875.00

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That sums it up!

Ogilvy alert... Oooogah... Oooogah!

My deep throat at Ogilvy New York tells me that in the interests of keeping the troops in a state of permanent delirium, management, I guess that means Shelly, is taking everyone to the Great Adventure theme park in New Jersey next week.(That's the place where a woman died a while ago because the rides weren't inspected properly!) How fucking inspired is that? As my pal asks... "You have to wonder where Sir Martin is during all this and how many phone calls he's made asking what the hell is going on? no major wins (except the mattress company), clients cutting down ad spend, and a bloated payroll." Hey, I'm sure the Poisoned Dwarf has his beady little eyes on all this shit, but never forget, Shelly is on the board of WPP, so she's flameproof... For now. But, if he had any brains, he'd hire Andy Mueller, Euro's new business guy. Have you seen the fucking accounts he's brought in over the last twelve months? I used to work with him at JWT. The guy's a fucking dynamo... Best suit I ever worked with, and I've worked with a ton. Anyway, word of advice to the troops... Don't go on the fucking rides, they may have been fixed to help reduce the payroll!

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Hi workers... Don't call me Martin... I prefer Sir!

Ogilvy... Multo grief.. So, what else is new?

One of my "Deep Throat" spies at O&M tells me that today, another ten bodies were added to the festering piles of no longer required, because they were no longer enhancing the bottom line, un-named untermenchen. Namely, all those worthy troops in the trenches who have worked their fucking bollocks off over the last few years to keep the good ship WPP afloat since the "Poisoned Dwarf" decided he would acquire all kinds of various advertising properties which would enable him to  poison the well that generates the big bucks he hopes to enrich himself with in the future... Unfortunately, anyone who is not completely self delusional, will recognize that there are about to be many more untermenchen, unfortunates, to follow! So, what else is new in the increasingly fucked up business that used to be called in the glory days... Advertising!

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I am WPP... So, I can destroy. Why? Because I am fucking WPP. What the fuck is wrong with you people? I am WPP!!!

One more reason why MySpace truly sucks!

So, the infamous MySpace case about the user who drove a teenage girl to commit suicide ramps up yet another notch... First, let me stress this has nothing to do with either me or AgencySpy. That whole thing was fucking lame, and beat to shit by the Murdochian "popular press." Which is only read by the kind of people who are fans of Jerry Springer et al... No, the news today is that a Los Angeles federal grand jury indicted a Missouri woman for her alleged role in a MySpace online hoax played on a 13-year-old girl who committed suicide. Lori Drew of St. Louis was indicted on one count of conspiracy and three counts of accessing protected computers without authorization to obtain information to inflict emotional distress. The whole thing is uber-fucked-up, and only goes to show there are an awful lot of truly weird people out there. Anyway, the odd time I wander onto MySpace, the graphics alone are enough to want me to blow my brains out, and as for the literary skills of the people on there... All I can say is... Fuck!

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It made me the blogger I am today!

The Google Gorilla... Can it be caught?

Information Week has an article discussing how the latest data shows Google's search market share at an all-time high. Which obviously means that market share for Yahoo and MSN is rapidly going down the fucking tubes. No wonder there's a lot of bitching and moaning going on about the 800 pound gorilla's stranglehold on the search market. But, as the article puts it... While Google's lead in search is formidable, on some levels, it's beneficial for the entire Internet marketing and computing industries. "Google is alarming in the same way that Wal-Mart is alarming: It forces competitors to change," they say. "There's still room for companies like Microsoft, as well as small startups, to challenge Google on a number of fronts." Mmmm, Don't know if Microsoft and Yahoo would agree with that opinion! In my humble opinion... These guys will own the fucking universe if that keep executing they way they have been doing since day one.

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Don't fuck with me!

DaVinci becomes "Anarchy!" Poisoned Dwarf not amused!

I almost drowned in my coffee this morning when I read in AdAge that DaVinci is now "Synarchy!" Is it just me, or does that sound a bit too fucking close to "Anarchy" for comfort? Rupal Parekh and Matt Creamer have a lovely tongue in cheek piece about this dramatic development in the "Poisoned Dwarf's" continuing quest for world domination. As they point out, the Wikipedia entry for "Synarchy" quotes from Vichy France when French industrialists saw Nazi Germany as an alternative to Communism: "Many of them had extensive and intimate business relations with German interests and were still dreaming of a new system of "Synarchy," which meant government of Europe on fascist principles by an international brotherhood of financiers and industrialists." How fucking perfect is that? Considering the "Synarchy" brotherhood still hasn't come up with a CEO after months of looking, you'd think that in true fascist style, the "Height Challenged One" would have had someone taken out and shot by now! Loved the bit at the end pointing out this wonderful new identity was created by Uber-Scam artists, Landor, which is co-incidentally, another part of the WPP Dark Star empire. Wonder if anyone's told them it's also the name of a Thrash/Metal group in the fucking Faroe Isles? Can't wait to see the ads!!!

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Ken Segall inspects his creative staff before shipping them off to their cubicles!

It ain't over 'til the fat guy leaves the agency. Ooops, he just left!

Word from one of my "Mo-Town" deep throats is that Campbell Ewald is about to kiss the Michelin account goodbye. Don't have the hard facts just yet... But they will hopefully be coming down the motorway soon. Having said that, I am sure I will momentarily have a couple of emails from Bill Ludwig asking why I am being mean and ganging up on Campbell Ewald again... Bill, it's not personal, It's what I do... It's also why I get all this info in the first place... Speaking of which, have you noticed that with its new uber hard to use MediaBistro format, agencyspy now gets virtually zero fucking comments... Laurel Baby... Rule number one... Stop making fucking rules!!! People don't like being fucked around!

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I'm outa here!!!

Golf Sponsorship... Otherwise known as flushing money down the rancid tubes!

I'm sorry about my golf phobia... Yeah, I'm with George Carlin here, in believing it's all a giant wank fest... But the hot news today that the Royal Bank of Scotland is pumping several gazzillion dollars into the bottomless pit of a sponsorship of the United States Golf Association to ... "Advance the Game of Golf in the United States," makes me go... Whoa Dude... Isn't the game of golf in the US about as advanced as you can possibly fucking get? I mean it's every-fucking-where. You can't escape it. Anyway, why the Royal Bank of Scotland? Isn't that where the fucking game was invented in the first place. Shouldn't they be pumping millions into the development of tastier Haggis, or cheaper Scotch, or bio-degradable underpants for kilt wearers?

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So, I hit the fucker with this five iron...